The NCAA March Madness is over.  Plenty of upsets and incredible games were the highlight of this year’s tournament, with fan-favorite Kansas losing in the second round, Butler making a surprising run to the championship game, and Michigan State making it to the Final Four for the sixth time in twelve years.  All the excitement, however, begs the question: How do Garfield March Madness teams stack up against the NCAA’s finest?

SF Madness = Kansas Jayhawks
Picked to win the whole tournament by many, Kansas stumbled in the second round with a loss to a small school called Northern Iowa.  SF Madness was led by senior DesJuan Newton, who shows resemblance to Jayhawk point guard Sherron Collins.  Freshman Julian Cooper looked a lot like Xavier Henry, just a lot less skilled.  Owen Anderson’s non-existent athleticism combined with Aja Buchanan’s three point range created the epitome of Brady Morningstar.  Despite SF’s depth and overall talent, they lost to Gucci Scrillaz, led by junior Deric Nelson, Josh “lives in the shadow of his sister” Markowitz, and Gali “also lives in the shadow of his sister” Russell.

Basketchal (J) = Wisconsin
This team was made up of ’12 scrubs who play baseball and watch TV at Joe’s house for a living.  This team, who takes pride in their name, CHAL, and purposely excludes Joe’s initials to make him feel less important, mostly resembles Wisconsin.  Both teams lack athleticism, but more than make up for it in height. The exception is Azor Cole, who brings the Madness to March with his unorthodox shot from the three point line that somehow makes its way into the hoop.

Staff = Kentucky Wildcats
With the mysterious Mr. Scott turning out to be Tony Wroten, this team should have won it all.  Obviously being the best player in the tournament, one can only compare Wroten to the best player in college, John Wall.  One of Wroten’s teammates, on the other hand, resembles Coach Calipari.  John Calipari has left his last two schools in sanctions from the NCAA, while he walked out free to his next job.  Meanwhile, Wroten’s teammate was able to pull some sly moves on the Messenger staff with the recruitment of Wroten.  One might ask — would someone really do all that just to win?  And the answer, most likely, is yes.

I Wish I was a Baller = Saint Mary’s
To be real, Saint Mary’s College has one good player — Omar Samhan.  The guy single handedly won two games for Saint Mary’s, combining for 62 points while playing Richmond and Villanova. Nyasha Sarju held this position for Ballers team, scoring the one and only point in their playoff game.  Yep, in the best performance of defense (or the worst performance of offense) ever to be played on the Garfield gymnasium floor, Sarju single handedly won the game against an all male squad consisting of ‘012 chumps, known as “The Sekund.” I don’t know how I would react if I lost to Samantha Montarbo in a sports competition. I probably wouldn’t be able to show myself on a basketball court for at least a year to hide my shame.

Zombie Sonics = Syracuse
This team was one of the most talented teams in the tournament, and was picked to win the whole tournament by many.  Like Syracuse, this team was also one of the most experienced, with a comlete starting line of seniors.  Led by Reid Shaw, they looked like a contender.Unfortunately, they lost early to The Train, a team nobody expected to be good.  ‘Cuse also lost in the Sweet Sixteen to Butler.

The Train= Tennessee
Due to an early name change, the team is now just called The Train (which sounds stupid, I know).  Nobody really has the skill of Wayne Chism, but the whole team shows a defensive mentality.  Tommy Dietrich represented the team’s outside shooting, while Mckay Breuner battled on the inside. This team may not have lived up to the bad-ass expectations of theVolunteers (the team had numerous arrests this year, with many players getting kicked off the team), but they sure did play as hard as the Vols.

Blasian Persuasion = Georgetown
Despite being ranked highly, at a two seed, in the tournament, Blasian Persuasion failed to advance out of the opening round.  Led by senior varsity basketball starter Renee Dillard-Brown, who plays exactly like Georgetown center Earl Monroe, Blasian Persuasion looked to have a lot of promise.  Unfortunately, this team fell to some ’10 kids who were more suited for the SAT’s than a basketball tournament.