To be honest, this article is like ESPN. It has nothing to do with sports; it is just there to show commoners how much better a professional sportsplayer’s life is. Garfield has a very diverse student body, with kids that are Ivy League bound, kids that are Divison I bound, and freak athletes that are off to “the league” (not even going to bother mentioning his name). Many kids, including myself, can only wish to be seen as a top athlete, but the dream stops there. However, seeing as how we have many students who have the gift to possibly be able to play sports beyond high school, I saw it fitting to write an article on how they should act.

The first and foremost rule of sports douche bags everywhere is letting people know how special they are. Nobody pushes them around and they are the ones that get to do what they want. They get any person of the opposite sex they want. The key to this is showing that they are better than others. The truth is, girls like jerks and guys like what they think they can’t have. Although I don’t like it, it’s human nature and there is no way around it.

A prime model is Jacob*. Girls crawl over this man for his eight-pack. He receives letters from colleges for sports regularly, and it might have possibly gotten to his head, but we all still love him. When a slightly intoxicated blonde girl walked up to him, begging to see his abs, he simply shushed her away, declaring he didn’t have the time to show the goods. Jacob knew what he was getting into, but had to show his value and state that he was above her.

The entourage is essential. They always have a group of friends around them to show their popularity. Whether they’re a pro going to nightclub, or a high school kid walking down the hallways, they never walk alone. Here pro sports douchebags can impress their dominance upon their friends.

Being original is key to fame fortune, and being an accredited douche bag. An athlete will show their non-sports side by introducing their hobbies and what they typically do during their spare time. A pro athlete will have random side jobs, like owning a restaurant or a night club, or even writing a book. This is yet another way to show off what they’ve accomplished. When owning a restaurant, they need a bar where they can show off their jerseys, as well as awards. When writing a book, they let the reader know how cocky they are. In Chad Ochocinco’s book, he constantly quotes other players, talking about how good he is. Ochocinco reps the douche bag persona.

Another way pro sports douchebags show their originality is by attracting someone they like. It’s always good to try something new that the person they are after has not seen before. Most athletes go with the, “I’m an athlete, and I know your jockin’ me” but this may not always work (even though it probably does 99 percent of the time). A good way professionals get the one they want is to conceal their identity, and come off as an average guy. Later, they show their true form by maybe throwing on a $6,000 real leopard skin jacket, or hopping into a brand new 2010 SL 500 Mercedes Benz with phantom doors. This car will work on any lady.

This strategy is a guaranteed because it shows that this athlete not only has class, but he or she also has a soft side. The real truth is they probably don’t have a soft side, but its what an average Joe wants to hear. Anyway, a pro athlete doesn’t have times to have feelings or emotions.

It’s hard work being a douche bag, but it’s something I strive for each and every day. To really master the art, a person must perfect each and every aspect. Keep in mind however, that this art is only for the select few, and we normal human beings must envy from the outside. For the ’012 girls, I am sorry for writing this article and being a douche bag.

*name has been changed