It would take a moron not to realize what this article is about, but the job of this mandatory introduction is to inform the reader about the fact that this article is about the five greatest sports fights.

5. Malice at the Palace

This is probably one of the most well-known sports fights, on account of how recently it occurred. It basically started when Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest decked Detroit Pistons center Ben Wallace on a lay-in. Wallace shoved him back, and some choice words were exchanged. Like any normal person would, Artest protested by striding over to the scorer’s table and lying down. Out of nowhere, a cup of liquid came flying out of the stands and struck Artest in the face. All hell broke loose. The only thing missing was Marv Albert shouting, “YES!” each time a punch was thrown. Chaos ensued. Fans (albeit those without brains) fought players. It was truly epic.

4. We’re not talking about the frog

Perhaps one of the greatest punches in NBA history was thrown in this game between the Lakers and the Rockets. In the midst of a kerfuffle at midcourt, Laker forward Kermit Washington turned around to see Houston’s Rudy Tomjanovich running in his general direction. Kermit took one step toward Tomjanovich and walloped him, leaving him completely unconscious in a pool of his own blood with a broken face. That’s right, a broken face. Tomjanovich later admitted, “I thought a scoreboard fell on me.” He might have been better off if one had.

3. Pedro v. The Don

Don Zimmer, the Yankees bench coach, was a big, friendly giant. Seventy-two years old at the time, he was bald as a bat and quite portly. Actually, he was a lard ass. He looked like Darth Vader with his mask off.

Anyways, in game three of the ALCS, the Yankees were playing the Red Sox. Roger Clemens attempted to stir up some pre-existing beef by throwing a pitch at Manny Ramirez’s head. Manny charged. The benches cleared, as is custom in basebrawls.

However, as Pedro Martinez was loafing about by his dugout, not really involved in the altercation, Zimmer waddled as fast as he could towards him. Zimmer raised his arms and squealed like a wounded tabby cat, attempting to strike Pedro, who grabbed The Don by his shiny dome and hurled him to the ground. Everyone taking part in the actual fight was briefly stunned, before quickly returning to beating the snot out of each other.

2. Seventh Floor Crew v. Women’s Rights

The Seventh Floor Crew, featuring members of the University of Miami football team along with some random guy named “Big Nick” and the producer “GoMarvelous,” made what is perhaps the most derogatory song of all time. There isn’t even a title.

The first sound heard on the track is GoMarvelous stating, “This song, in its entirety, is not meant to offend any women in its entirety. Drop the m-effing track.” The Seventh Floor Crew manages to not only offend some women in its entirety, but to offend every female on the face of the earth. Realistically, these guys should’ve been kicked off the team for this act, not matter how funny the song is. I was personally most offended by the fact that G-Reg had a verse written for him. T-Good gives a good way to remember what his number is in the song (it’s 52).

I know, I know, I keep referencing Miami football and the Seventh Floor Crew. I even mentioned them in my college essay. This article, in its entirety, is not meant to disrespect anyone, in its entirety. I just think this story is extremely funny.

1. Garfield v. Redmond

This was truly the epitome of a sports fight. Well, not really. It’s basically just a better version of the Malice at the Palace.

For all you freshmen who don’t already know, Garfield guard Dre Taylor was having an intellectual conversation with a Redmond guard, when a crazed fan rushed the floor. The moronic fan, Sean Shewey, cold-cocked Taylor in the temple, resulting in a riot.

Redmond prizes itself on its stupid little “superfan” concept, but Shewey took it one step too far. Both benches cleared. Just when the scene appeared to be calming down, a Garfield player just destroyed a Redmond Mustang, for no apparent reason. Shewey’s penalty was jail time. The Garfield player’s? A mere suspension from basketball. We all know who won this one.