While some Garfield students chose to spend their last days of summer freedom relaxing on the couch or tanning by the pool, the fall sports teams began their rigorous training routines. Here’s a sneak peak on how our Bulldogs will do this season.

Boys Tennis

Let’s face it; the Garfield boys tennis team has been the most dominant sports team at the school over the past three years. Nothing is going to change this upcoming year. The seniors on this team have never lost an in-league match in their past three years, and do not plan on doing so this year either. Losing only one senior, the team returns nearly all of its talent. Led by senior captains Frankie Pavia and Wilson Platt, the team also returns state participant Ryan Killory, his brother Peter, and injury-prone junior Matt Cerf. The Knights across the lake, Newport, look to be the Bulldogs’ toughest competition this year, but they should be put in their place. Look for these talented dogs to go undefeated again this year.

Girls Swimming

Undoubtedly the second best fall sports team, the Lady Bullfrogs return a plethora of skilled swimmers, despite losing some division-one talent. These girls are very close-knit as a team, declining to label anyone as more important than anyone else. While this may cause them to seem like wussies, in actuality these aquatic athletes are fiercely competitive. Behind the help of new coach Karin Fosberg, and leadership of senior captains Rose McCarty and Maddy Morgan, the girls are looking to improve upon their second place finish at state last year. Even though last year’s star swimmer Melissa Oishi has moved on to the University of New Orleans, the Lady Bullfrogs appear to be stronger overall than last year, and are likely to be a top contender at state this year. Get your behind down to Medgar Evars pool after school on a Friday if you want to see some bangin’ babes bathing… in victory.

Cross Country

For some reason, a group of Garfield students enjoy running long distances over and over again. They are the school’s cross country team. The men’s side features returning state-contender Chris Wozniak, along with five other runners who have been putting in “40-mile weeks” according to senior Michael Cunetta. Incoming freshman Ariel “Little Mermaid” Loud apparently has the best six-pack on the team, and is the only youngling with a shot at making varsity. The team is rock-solid in the classroom as well, taking home the academic state title last year. On the other hand, the girls team is actually taking home running titles. Super senior Anna Dailey and out-of-this-world sophomore Tamzin Atkins look to make the Washington-Oregon Borderclash meet by finishing top-20 at state. These two girls are perhaps the most talented athletes on any of the fall sports teams (sans Tone Tone), and will certainly continue their success this year, perhaps even bringing Garfield something Tony couldn’t– a state championship.

Girls Soccer

Despite losing nearly their entire defense from last year, the Garfield girls soccer team retains plenty of upper-echelon talent. Seniors Sonia Giebel, Lily Hansen, and Tory Sheffield are the undeniable team leaders and make up the heart and soul of the squad. Up-and-coming junior Rachel Keyser will undoubtedly be a major contributor, as will stud goalkeeper Savannah Biledo. However, if this team wants to have any shot of winning their league, they will need major contributions from their suckling babes. Freshmen Ava Lewis, Jane Markman, and Caroline “Andrew Schwartz” Sheffield will have to play about seven years older than they look in order to keep up with the Eastside schools awash with Amazon women. Most likely, these Bulldogs will deliver a whuppin’ to schools like Ballard and Roosevelt, but will still receive spankings from schools like Woodinville and Skyline.

Boys Football

Typically the laughingstock of Garfield sports, I predict a breakout season for the Bulldogs and even, mark my words, TWO WINS. The biggest story of the year is undoubtedly that basketball super-duper star Anthony Wroten Jr., aka Tony, will be playing wide receiver and safety for the team. This isn’t the only story though; according to four-year quarterback Sean Foster, this team has more talent at skill positions than any team he has been on at Garfield. Seniors Foster, T’Andre Jones, and Desjuan Newton, along with junior Valentino Coleman and sophomore stud Pierre Wright have speed, power, and ridiculous athleticism. The biggest question lies in the trenches, where the lines will sorely miss the division-one talent of DeAndre “Biggie” Coleman and Warren Tia Tia. However, the talent at receiver and running back is undeniable, which is why Garfield football will raise itself from the cellar, and leave someone ELSE in the dust… for once.

Girls Volleyball

The girls volleyball team used to be one of the most exciting and well-attended sports at Garfield. However, that was when they were actually good. Last year, the Volleydogs had a rough time, winning only one league match and missing the playoffs. Whoops. However, this year’s team appears very capable of rebounding and perhaps even posting a winning record. By banishing the questionable locker-room antics of some of last year’s seniors, the Volleydogs look to stick together and be supportive of each other. Senior captain Hannah Rusk mentions that while “there are bigger and older teams than us,” they can still defeat their foes by working hard and going for every ball. However, that type of talk generally indicates a lack of skill on the team. Let’s support these gals like we did in 2007, in hopes that they play like it was 2007 as well.

Boys Golf

These guys are pretty much a group of mystery men. Rarely seen or heard from, the boys golf team is pretty much the most ignored sports group at Garfield, with the possible exception of the girls golf team. Led by famed lady-killer Cody Moore, who is apparently the only legitimately filthy golfer on the team, these guys basically have hella fun. Typically a redonkulously expensive excursion, golf is cost-free for those on the team. Since nobody has ever attended a golf match, we’re not going to worry about their success from last year, or potential success this year. Just know that these manly men exist, and are an actual team.