Oh-nine is far unlike any other class to pass through Garfield, for better or worse. Savory, not sweet. Dynamic. Eclectic. Blaow. Rarely interested, occasionally vivacious, always profound. Refreshing, like a glass of chocolate milk after a hot summer’s day.

But ’09’s greatest skill lies not in the gutters of Alder, rather in the raucous, discordant stands of the Garfield gym, in the magnitude with which it shamelessly rides Tony Wroten’s jock. Through unwavering consistency, complete disregard for the female gender, and outrageous flattery, ’09 has refined jock-riding into an art form.

Alas, ’09 will be moving on to bigger and better things next year, and its place will remain a massive void, not simply of quality of character but of quality and quantity of men on Tony’s jock. And so I present a straightforward, informative, comprehensive guide to giving Tony the respect he deserves in hopes that ‘010, ‘011, ‘012, and the classes of beyond will make like ’09 and ride the dude’s jock like there’s no tomorrow.

There are three simple steps. The first is crucial. Understand. Understand that Tony is not an ordinary human. He is not like you and me. He lives in a realm of demigods, and shares few characteristics with typical humans. Swagger visibly radiates off of him. He rocks nothing but the freshest jackets and the priciest Jordans. His skills with the ladies are unparalleled. He has nice bone structure in his face. He makes Stephen Hawking look like Van Kelly. He makes Vince Carter look like Mario Buty. These are the reasons we need only refer to him by his first name, much like Kobe Bryant or LeBron James, the reasons ’09 jocks so readily and with so much passion. Only when one grasps Tony’s inimitable greatness can they reach a transcendent state of jock-riding.

The second step is plan. Untrained, undisciplined underclassmen might carelessly overlook the planning aspect, the bridge to execution. Doing this will result in abject failure and ultimately, embarrassment. One must jock Tony with a specific goal in mind. Jockin’ Tony isn’t one-dimensional. One might hope for personal gain, perhaps to weasel their way into Tony’s personal circle or to favorably catch his eye. Seeking such personal gain requires mental preparation and planning in advance.

Say one aspiring jocker hopes to pull of a hilarious joke in Tony’s presence. Knock-knock jokes will fall woefully short. No, the joke must be outlandish, misogynistic, brutal. Only then will Tony notice or care. It is advised to brainstorm before such an encounter, to develop as much politically incorrect material as possible as to ultimately use jokes of only the highest quality.

Planning is important even if one rides Tony’s jock away from his presence. Quality is still paramount, if only for retaining one’s respect. If one wishes to reference Tony’s most recent outstanding performance, they must be sure to commit his stats and most notable highlights to memory. If one wishes to compliment Tony, they ought to prepare outrageous affirmations of love, lest they understate Tony’s greatness. If one wishes to see the master of flattering Tony, they should observe Nam Ngo in action.

The third step is execution. One may talk the talk, but they must also walk the walk. They must temporarily throw their dignity to the wind and focus all their energy on riding Tony’s jock.

Jock with passion. Jock with love. Jock like their life depends on it. Bring swag. Enthusiasm is the word. One must consummate their love of Tony with physical and emotional zeal. Only then will they be on ’09’s level. Long live Tony Wroten and God bless.