If I have learned anything from my three years at this great school we call Garfield, it is that if there ever came a situation where a day in the life of the boys swim team was made into a major motion picture, it would most definitely be rated NC-17. However, I am afraid that the only that would make this movie, Ron Jeremy, has passed away. Adding to this, most of the theaters that would show such a film have been closed down due to improper sanitation.

If you do not understand what I am talking about and you are a male, I highly recommend that you take a walk down to Medgar Evers pool on one brisk winter day and check out what really goes on. If you are a female however, I recommend that you take no further inquiry in this matter and stop reading this article now.

As we all know the standard uniform of a male swimmer is the Speedo, which is fairly revealing and highly provocative. Knowing these boys, they were not content just wearing them in the pool. Dancing at assemblies and “Speedo Sledding” have become tradition for these fine young men. The only place that these “man thongs” come off is in the locker room. Unfortunately, nothing replaces them in clothing the lads. Naked showers are the source of many new, inventive and grotesque activities. One such game is that if you look at another man’s manhood you get punched. The fun lies in trying to lure your teammates into looking at your own appendage using all sorts of techniques. One member of the team described to me something called the tri-ball which both shocked and puzzled me. Many people scrutinize the boys for actions like these, but no one can argue that they aren’t very comfortable with each other and their own sexualities.

This is a rare skill, as most of the other teams in the league do not take naked showers or goof around in the locker room. At meets this conflict in clothing produces much amusement for the Garfield boys and much embarrassment for the opposing team. At one Ballard meet, the Beavers were taking their showers and lathering up their hair with shampoo when the Bulldogs came in flaunting their birthday suits. The Ballard boys scattered in humiliation and many of them were found rinsing out their hair in the sinks in order to avoid contact with the “members” of the Garfield swim team. Many situations such as this arise for the boys but they embrace each new challenge with growing optimism that one day they will shower nude with all the teams in KingCo.

However, the size of the team definitely becomes a major issue for the boys. With more and more people joining each year, the team is growing larger than most other sports teams here at Garfield. This growth shows how many of the boys at this school are more than willing to surround themselves with forty other naked or nearly naked boys every day.

Other than the nudity, the swim team enjoys some of the finer things of life during their time together down at the pool. Often times, sitting in the sauna after a long day’s swim sparks very deep conversations about each other’s feelings and problems. Other times, the rascals will attempt to hit on and pick up women they see while they are strutting around in their Speedos. Even the team managers (who are high school girls) are not immune to the immaturity of the young fellows.

A new tradition that the boys are staring this year is applying temporary tattoos to various parts of their bodies in order to intimidate rival teams. These activities make for good wholesome fun in the water.

Aside from their questionable behavior, the boys swim team is actually quite adept at swimming. At this point, the regular season has come to a close, but a good number of the boys are in contention for a spot at state. I can only imagine the locker room at state with four or five naked Garfield boys and the rest of the swimmers running from the showers with their tails between their legs. I am hopeful that the traditions started by the swim team in the last few seasons will live on for many years to come and grow in ingenuity and inappropriateness.