There are some naysayers out there who take offense to Garfield’s state-of-the-art performance center, beautiful gym, and spotless halls. They nostalgically whine about murals and smokestacks. They say Garfield has lost its character. To appease these misanthropic banes of the Earth, I have hand-picked a series of fights to bring back some “lost” character to Garfield. Not just any fights. Epic fights. Fights that will make you scream with primal joy. Fights that will make you shove your fist in your mouth. Fights that will forever be a part of Garfield lore. Here they are previewed. Enjoy.

David Brooks vs. Ms. Jenkins
Young Brooks has a defensive but outgoing personality. He wanders the halls and shamelessly boasts his craptacular grades. While Brooks possesses moderate athleticism, his trademark mannerisms will ultimately cause his downfall. For instance, he is perpetually frozen in the slack-jawed, hands-up it-wasn’t-me-coach stance. These leave him vulnerable to easy shots to the chest and groin. I never had Jenkins, but I know she doesn’t mess around, and will not hesitate to hit low. She might get stern with Brooks and his endless smack-talking, and ask him to leave the ring. Tell him to butt out. While the specifics of the fight are difficult to predict, one thing is certain: David Brooks, incapacitated by being David Brooks, will be lucky to escape unscathed.
Edge: Jenkins

Mr. Nomura vs. Ms. Dowell
You could not pay me to watch this fight. Mr. Nomura is just an adorable little man who likes Laffy Taffy Mondays, Winnie the Pooh, and stamps. He sells chips for 50 cents to keep chess club alive. His soul is gentle and kind. Conversely, Ms. Dowell is more like that of Hal 9000. Deep eyes. Huge forearms. No mercy. One staff member sums it up nicely when he says “I could beat any Garfield teacher in a fight…except Ms. Dowell.” So children, avert your eyes. Mr. Nomura would get inhumanely slaughtered.
Ungodly Edge: Dowell

Jesse Austin vs. Steven Schluter
One word: BEEEEEEEEEF. This matchup has history dating back to last year that, unfortunately, cannot be explained in detail. And since we can’t delve into the background, let’s delve into the brawl itself. Austin is no pushover. He is big, powerful, and motivated to the point where his motivation may interfere with his ability to fight deftly and strategically. Schluter is wiry, slightly smaller than Austin, and brings a different sort of motivation to the table. Defense, resourcefulness, and a deep-rooted desire to not get humiliated. This fight will be closer than you think.
Karmic Edge: Austin

Mr. Haskins vs. Spang
I’ve seen Spang in action once. He referred to everybody as “loser.” I’ve observed Haskins only from a distance, often decked out in a coaching headset at a football game or striding confidently through the halls high-fiving students. I’ve seen his Facebook. It’s weird envisioning these two goofs wrestling competitively in their heydays with a single shred of seriousness, but apparently it happened. Years later, can they bring they same ferocity? If there was any? My hunch is yes, simply because they work on such a personal level with their students and would prefer to not be humiliated. And because Haskins is, by all accounts, the laziest person on the face of the Earth, Spang will win.
Edge: Spang

Kyle Dofredo vs. Michael Peila
Both seniors. Both future American soldiers. Only one difference. Kyle Dofredo is a complete and utter beast. Peila is not. Dofredo is strong, quick, and fierce. Peila is strong, but also skinny and white. Dofredo once captured a snake, cooked it, and ate it. Peila, on several occasions, pumped up the crowd at a football game. Dofredo is cut from a giant slab of steel. Peila is cut from a giant string cheese. Dofredo is unbeatable in combat and, with respect to Peila, would dismantle him without reservation.
Edge: Dofredo

Mr. Swarner vs. Mr. Mandelman
They have already met on the verbal battlefield, but how will they hold up in fisticuffs? Swarner is stronger, younger, and motivated to annihilate his enemy. Mandleman is fragile, older, and probably doesn’t give two poops, but even in such a condition, it’s hard to see him getting stomped. Too much girth. Too much man. Too much dignity. And that’s why these two match up so well. There is no clear favorite. Neither Swarner and Mandleman could summon enough strength or desire to topple the other. You might think these circumstances make for one lame fight. Think again. Swarner and Mandelman seem to harbor a bit of mutual respectful annoyance for one another that, in time, would result in the fight escalating to a full-scale battle royale.
Edge: Even

Zak v. Max v. Axel Rosencrantz
Three brothers, all heartthrobs of sorts. But the similarities end there. ‘07 graduate Zak (full name: Zadek) is a bona fide stud. He starred on the baseball team and mashed in March Madness. Max (full name: Maximum), the senior, is earnest, focused, and owner of the largest pectorals of any student at Garfield…girls included. Axel (full name: AxelRod) is just a little freshman, but has already gained prominence for his outstanding performance in the Homecoming assembly three-legged race, his gregarious behavior, and his Vince Chase-caliber mug. But who would come out on top in a free-for-all scrum? The x-factor appears to be feistiness, as it often is in sibling scuffles. Although they are bigger, Zak and Max both possess laid-back ‘tudes and might lapse into apathy/laughter. Axel, on the other hand, will surely exhibit zero mercy, leading to his ultimate and unquestioned victory.
Edge: Axel