The cold months are a time to give thanks. We are grateful for food, faith, and presents. This holiday season, let us also be thankful that we’ve never observed a part of our body randomly dangling. Whenever you whine about cutting yourself or stubbing your toe, remember these ill-fated warriors.

Joe Theismann
Joe Theismann’s annihilation at the hands of coke-fiend Lawrence Taylor remains one of the most iconic images in sports. Theismann never had a chance. The Washington Redskins ran a flea-flicker in the face of an overpowering New York Giants blitz. By the time Theismann got the ball, Taylor was bearing down on him like the Rancor. Taylor’s leg nailed Theismann’s foot to the ground, while the rest of LT’s body tossed him in the other direction. This led to the appearance of the infamous “second knee” in Theismann’s shin as his leg split apart.

Shaun Livingston
There are four ligaments in the knee. Most will go through their whole life without tearing a single one. Shaun Livingston is not one of these people. The man went four for four. In the process of landing after a lay-up, his knee wobbled sideways, a la the funky chicken, suddenly obtaining a unique “backwards” shape highly valued by YouTube injury connoisseurs.

Allen Ray
Not to be confused with Ray Allen, whose only injury was that of Kobe’s nuts in his mouth, Allen Ray was a star basketball player for Villanova a couple of years ago. In the semifinal of the Big East Conference Tournament, Ray got an up close look at the finger of one Carl Krauser. In fact, the aforementioned finger penetrated Allen’s eye socket, popping the eye out in a manner reminiscent of Jar Jar Binks. Fortunately, there was no permanent damage.

Janos Baranyai
A recent addition to the injury pantheon, Janos Baranyai was a weightlifter at the Beijing Olympics. Years of exercise had toned Baranyai’s body, allowing him to lift truly Hurculean amounts. Unfortunately, his elbows just weren’t up for the task. First, Baranyai lifted the bar over his head. Second, he couldn’t hold the extremely heavy weight, and the bar fell behind him. Third, his right elbow performed a 180-degree swivel. Maybe he wouldn’t have had that problem if he’d taken a little bit more HGH. Moron.

Random Kick Boxer
Often, the most severe injuries are self-inflicted. This is most definitely the case for the kick-boxer who kicked so hard, he broke his ankle. Badly. The thing was stretching and sagging like Mr. Fantastic. Clearly his mother should have fed him more milk, because no person should ever have to see someone’s foot just swinging around like renegade man-bits.