The Olympics celebrate the human body. The 2008 Summer Games treated us to a plethora of body shapes and types. Sinewy male sprinters countered petite female gymnasts. Sinewy female weightlifters countered petite male distance runners. But this variety of word-class athletes begs the question: what constitutes the ideal body? What sports produce bodies reminiscent of Greek gods? Conversely, what sports produce bodies reminiscent of Ursula from The Little Mermaid? These questions spark intriguing and provocative debates.

The criterion for judging men and women differ drastically. But one of the reasons the Olympics are so fun to watch is that the competitions showcase athletes that blur the line between man and woman. The disparity within a single gender is often greater than disparity between the genders. The question remains: which end of the spectrum is sexier? To address this vitally important topic, we first delve into the different shapes and forms of the male gender.

Swimming is one of the most popular Olympic sports. Male swimmers, to put it bluntly, are built as f***. One could eat Jell-O off of their pecs, ride to school on their shoulders, and cut diamonds on their nipples. But is that what the ladies love? Let’s approach this scientifically.

Look at Michael Phelps. From the neck down, he’s Hulk 2.0. Unfortunately (for him), his face is quite another story. I want to bite off his ears because they look like giant flapping tortillas. I want to file a broadsword on his teeth because they are serrated. Like the teeth of a great white shark. Let’s be honest. It’s a face only a mother could love. But do the ladies love him? Yes! Using the process of elimination, we remove his face as a possible factor, and can only assume that women are after his Achilles-like physique.

If male swimmers have attractive bodies, we can only assume that male gymnasts, despite competing in the most fairylike sport known to man, also have attractive bodies, as well as sprinters and decathletes. But let’s delve into the more rotund body shape. Shot putters. Greco-Roman wrestlers. Do they project a similar sex appeal? Although love handles envelop their torsos, and they sport calves you want to eat because they’re so tender, it appears as though sheer knowledge of their brute strength is enough to give them a certain sexy edge. With regard to wrestlers, I can speak from personal experience when it comes to tussling and losing. Girls prefer lovers to fighters and totally dig you when you get your ass beat. So even those wimpy losers possessing cut physiques come out on top despite their abject failures. It’s a win-win!

Let’s examine male distance runners. They lack the muscular physique of swimmers, the strength of larger men, and the ability to turn on a woman by getting torn to shreds in the ring. It appears they have nothing but a pair of scrawny legs. But upon intense scrutiny of intangibles, they have one weapon: endurance. Women know that no one can last longer in the sexual arena than the Olympic 10,000-meter champion. And that simple fact is more than enough to arouse a potential temptress. Despite what one might think…distance runners are sexy.

We’ve essentially covered the male spectrum of bodies, but the female spectrum remains an equally intriguing topic. In the end, we can limit our discussion to just two female body types: manly and womanly. As established earlier for men, manly is defined as muscular, large, and in shape. Robust genes. A womanly shape is curvy, supple…soft… sensitive. But the question remains: which of the two body shapes is sexier?

The “manly” form of woman is often found in such Olympic events as weightlifting and field sports. Female weightlifters are typically Romanian shemales named Olga. One can only assume they regularly inject themselves with HGH, so their chance at sexiness from the male point of view is slim from the beginning. Our fears are confirmed when Olga hoists 500 pounds above her head and screams like a silverback gorilla. We hear similar screams from shot putters and discus hurlers, and are not remotely aroused.

Can the more shapely body accomplish what the strapping one could not? We see the “womanly” form prevail in gymnastics and tennis, where strength is less important than coordination and finesse. Unfortunately, most female gymnasts can be easily characterized as jailbait, so we’ll address our attention to an older, more mature gymnast, Alicia Sacramone. She’s 20, an undergraduate at Brown. She’s the American who choked in the team competition. But all red-blooded males forgave her because her body is unbelievable. You could bounce quarters on her butt. Just let that soak in for a second. One might offer similar observations about tennis players. Ignoring for a moment the hideous siren calls female tennis players emit when they serve, they compete with a sort of soft grace that bigger girls simply cannot replicate. Not that the bigger girls don’t have their benefits. More cushion for the pushin’.

So what have we learned? First and foremost, that we cannot reduce male sexiness to the proverbial cut body and chiseled jaw. Secondly, that female sexiness is significantly easier to stereotype. And while it is difficult for a masculine woman to turn on a dude, there are certainly ways.

But lastly, and most importantly, we’ve learned that a sexy body quickly negates a face as grotesque as that of Michael Phelps.