What makes a man? What doesn’t make a man for that matter?I bring the subject up because i get called a “sissy” or a “girl” everyday, almost always by my friends. They could just be playing with me but I can’t help but wonder what I do to get called such things. I see myself as a fairly manly alpha male and can’t help but feel a little hurt inside when they discipline me with names over and over again. But I figured it out. They call me unmanly when I do certain things — certain “girly” things. Either I listen to Miley Cyrus too much or prefer long walks on the beach over fighting with hammerhead sharks; there are things that don’t necessarily correspond to how manly I am. Certain actions are classified as making someone more feministic although there are only a few things that a man should be judged by.

One thing that can result in excommunication from the man pack but doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “unmanly” is to be on some girl’s “sac.” Sac is a slang term recently created that means “nuts.” So if I talk to some girl for more than five minutes I’m on her sac and because I’m all of a sudden so “whipped” I get called unmanly. I thought getting with girls was one thing that proved someone’s manhood but I guess not. So I guess I’ll just never talk to girls again. I’ll be a bro for life.

Get this; I also have to be really good at sports. Now, I think I’m pretty athletic. I don’t dominate at any sport, but I think I’m average at all of them (except golf, I just suck at that). Being good at sports doesn’t make you any more of a man than just liking sports in general. Yet, for some reason I have to get a triple-double every time I play basketball to be considered anything other than a “lass.” It’s not that I don’t do that almost all the time, but I think the standard should be lowered, especially for guys like Nick Thompson, who were born with horrible ball handling skills.

Apparently I also have to eat 50,000 calories a day to be manly. I like steak as much as the next guy, but sometimes I just need a small salad and lemonade to munch on instead of sausage links and a Monster energy drink. I’m not saying that I drink caffeine-free diet coke. I’m just saying that sometimes I prefer smaller portioned meals as opposed to full on entrees, that’s all.

Music can definitely be one of the biggest things a man can be judged for; like it has anything to do with how much testosterone he has. I listen to everything from hip-hop to heavy metal so I feel like I listen to enough Gucci Mane and Megadeth to fill an entire football team with man-worthy music. Yet if Lady Gaga comes onto the radio and I don’t change the station within half a second I literally sacrifice my man jewels. I don’t dislike artists like Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift, so when they come on the radio I listen to them. Yeah, they’re lame, but they are entertaining and better than all those Pitbull songs that come on so often now-a-days.

Rather than being judged on these guilty pleasures, a man should instead be judged on how many people he’s killed or how many scars he’s gotten from fighting random people on the street. It’s these things that truly make a man a MAN. That way, they are judged on their character and actions rather than what makes them happy. Do you think firemen go into burning buildings because 500 degree heat makes them ebullient? No it’s because they care for others and are brave enough to risk their lives for them.

In conclusion, a man can like girls, be mediocre at sports, or listen to girly music, and not have it affect his manhood as long as he fights a lot and cares when others are in danger. Then he is truly a man. However, there are some things that can take even the most mannish man ever to the girl zone: watching Sex and the City and applying lip balm, for instance. Honestly any self respecting man should only watch Bear Grylls and relish in his own cracked lips.