Kaiti Hanger wrote an article for the February 13th Messenger complaining about society’s different standards for men and women. It is unfair that promiscuous guys are players and promiscuous girls are sluts, she argues. Guys, girls, and society as a whole perpetuate this sexist attitude, she argues. Then she stops, leaving the reader with an impassioned viewpoint but no understanding of the “why” behind it.

Here’s where I, ’08 Messenger staff reject, come in, to explain further the phenomenon described in Kaiti’s article “Kiss and Tell” and to defend my gender against the tyranny of uptight beezies.

I’m no scientist, but I did go to Lowell Elementary. It was there, on the playground at recess, that I learned the fundamental difference between boys and girls: Boys have penises and girls have faginas. Flash forward to 5th grade health, and I’m learning about how the man uses his penis and how the woman uses her fagina to make babies together. But wait, here’s the catch: the woman has to carry the baby around in her body for nine months before she can have another one. The man, on other hand, could have upwards of 500 billion kids in a lifetime depending on whether or not he “does the Dew.”

The goal of life, from an evolutionary standpoint, is to pass on your genes. You want not only to reproduce but also to make strong enough offspring that they will reproduce and make strong enough offspring that they will reproduce. To do this, you have to make sure that your mate is going to contribute to the health of your offspring. Male animals, on the other hand, are just trying to get their genes out. Therefore, females are the choosers. Males fight each other, do silly dances, sing and grow ridiculous plumage just to attract females, who decide whether or not the male is getting any.

Say what you will about technology, progress, contraception, whatever; human brains are still wired to think like animals’. Men are supposed to have as much sex as possible, and women are supposed to hold back until the right man comes along; this is perfectly in line with our evolutionary nature.

Let’s return to the high school party, where a couple is going at it on a couch. Let’s watch. Let’s throw things at them. Now let’s think about the situation. There is a very low chance that pregnancy will result from this act, but hooking up is nonetheless sexual. Our logical response, “they’re just having fun,” is overridden by the deeper biological responses, Guy: Good work, get your genes out. Girl: Are you sure this guy is a good choice for a long-term mate? As they get off the couch and return to the party, the guy is high-fived. He did exactly what he’s supposed to do. The girl’s act, however, was questionable: if the couple isn’t perfect for each other, she made a mistake.

Is this fair? No. Is it fair that many species of female spiders eat their mates after copulating? No. Is it life? Yes. As for me, I’d much rather be called a slut than be eaten alive.

A girl needs to know that her man is reliable. To her, talking and cuddling is just as important as making out. While my brain accepts the logic “We’re both attractive people, how ‘bout a game of tonsil hockey?” she is always a little more reluctant to whip out my stick and puck. Surprising as it may seem, Michael Funetta has to work for it, just like every other man in the game.

When he succeeds, good for him. She has all the power in the situation. He’s the underdog.

Hypothetically, if all the women of the world got together and decided that it was okay to hook up with as many guys as possible all the time, how would high school guys respond? Of course they would be thrilled! Unfortunately, gender roles are not going to change until human biology changes. In the meantime, guys, good luck in your pursuits, and girls, I’m a very, very good guy.