Community service is communism. In communism, people do labor, aren’t paid for it, and are told that they are helping the country. This is exactly what community service is.

Communism is an enemy of America, so community service is like an infiltration of communism into America, disguised as good works. Pretty soon the Governor will be a communist agent, and then the President.

None of my dealings with community service have been worthwhile. I did a program once called Young Heroes, which lasted six hours on a Saturday. Basically, we did prison labor activities like carry ing buckets of dirt and branches while environmentalist college students wearing red communist shirts stood around like guards. They kept commenting incessantly, saying what a good job we were doing and exclaiming that we were helping the world.

We had a short break, during which we were given two slices of thin pizza (it was on tortilla bread). Then we were sent back to our slave labor. After working, they had everyone play childish games like Tunnel Tag to try to make it seem like we had fun. I suppose this was also an attempt to “bond” everyone, but it sure didn’t work for me. After that the Red Guards questioned everyone on what shoveling dirt had taught them, and we were expected to give emotional answers about how we had helped save the earth and, of course, how much fun we had had.

The kids who said how they really felt (bored, cold, and ready to go home) were pulled aside by a Red Guard before leaving and told that they “probably” shouldn’t return. I expected to at least get my six hours recorded, but I was told that I was supposed to bring a form from school. Seeing as I’d never remember to do that, six hours of my life — which on a Saturday morning I could have spent watching cartoons — were wasted.

My next community service experience was with Team Read, a well-meaning group that gathers high school students to help third– and fourth-graders with reading. Team Read was a good organization, but the amount of work and stress it made was too much for me, especially at the slow rate of hours (or minimum wage offered). It was overwhelming to know that I had a cute little kid’s life in my hands. I can’t imagine how the girl behind me felt when her student started crying and said that she couldn’t read at all. A lot of kids also started to take advantage of the teachers, saying that they didn’t want to read or that they had already read all of the books.

I had to quit halfway through the year for swim team. Once again, I didn’t get credit for the hours I put in. Someone who still does it says that second semester has less than half the people left from the start of the year. I’m not surprised.

Now I do commie service at the library. I never get to do anything useful or fun, like shelve books, because those jobs are protected by unions. So, once they run out of boxes for us to pack, we are stuck with menial jobs like sharpening pencils and highlighting the PRINT NAME HERE section of library card forms. I guess that’s valuable to society. Not.