Headline: After a few incidences at a few notable dances, our revered and infallible administration took it upon themselves to send a message in order to prevent more underage drinking. This so-called Drug and Alcohol Assembly was to take place in the near future and it was to warn all god-fearing students away from substance abuse. So far it hasn’t happened and Purple and White is naught but a few weeks away.

Bottom line: Wait, since when has anything the administration done ever stopped underage drinking? Ever? Even ’09 had the balls (metaphorically, we all know they don’t have any) to pull up to Tolo ridin’ dirty. And even if the assembly proved to be a walk-onwater miracle, half the student body would skip and be caught juiced in the sixth period anyway. Mr. Wheeler has issued sniper rifles to security.

Headline: In a flurry of activity, the previously unknown SLF (Student’s Liberation Front) tagged multiple facades of Lincoln at the end of mid-winter break, using crude language to protest the subjugation of its people. Teachers found themselves being ridiculed and scrambled to have the images removed from their classroom windows. The cheeky little monkeys even went so far as to plaster the front steps with a *cough* phallus on 4/20.

Bottom line: Yes, men and women of Garfield High School, beneath this slightly doughy and flustered exterior is a hardened freedom fighter dedicated to the overthrow of our nation’s government by graffiti! I predict that this is not the end – I still have yet to see the senior prank that will to bring our school down around our ears. You have four weeks – GO!

Headline: In early December a freak windstorm hit Washington, forcing numerous school closures and, combined with haphazard snowfall, guaranteed that the school year would be extended by days. Gusts as high as 69 mph (they were actually clocked at that speed, get your minds out of the gutter!) were recorded, leaving about 1.5 million homes without power. School was extended until June 22nd because of the snow.

Bottom line: Wait, who goes to school that late anyway? The seniors are gone (not that they really went to school before) and most of the juniors are in educational comas (screw finals). Thus many students will be enjoying a record number of days off with no consequence! It almost makes me want to tango with Ms. Gumbs.

Headline: At the onset of one memorable day, students arrived at Garfield to find multiple classrooms flooded, prompting power outages and forcing classes to be held anywhere relatively dry. This large quantity of water was (supposedly) the work of a chemical shower that had been knocked loose in a chemistry room by some unknown.

Bottom line: We all know that some punk pulled the hose and “forgot” to replace it – damn teenagers. Not that I’m complaining, that was the cleanest Garfield’s floors have been … ever. Multiple students were observed eating food off them (they are now being treated for SARS – it wasn’t that clean) and it was confirmed that the floor’s actual color was white.