Hello, my fellow law abiding citizens. Inspired by Charles Mudede of The Stranger, I recently scoured the bowels of the Seattle Police Department headquarters in search of “interesting” documents, revealing the lighter side of Seattle crime. Enjoy, and look forward to “On the Case” in future Messengers.

9 – 16-03: Barnes and Noble
Incident: Property damage

Officer A. Sheheen reports:

“The witness is the store security guard for B&N bookstore located in University Village. He was working in the store when he observed the suspect remove two magazines from the magazine rack inside the store.

“These two magazines had protective plastic wrappers on them. The security guard observed the suspect take these two magazines into the restroom of the store and enter a stall. The security guard followed the suspect into the restroom but remained unnoticed by the suspect. The guard noticed that only he and the suspect were in the restroom at the time. The guard then heard the suspect tear open the plastic wrapper on one of the magazines and heard the pages being opened. A while later, the guard heard another plastic wrapper being torn off and heard the pages being opened. The guard said that the suspect stayed in the bathroom reading the magazines for about 45 minutes.”

And so, when the suspect left, the security guard managed to tackle him and detain him. One question: What kind of magazine makes a man go into a bathroom stall and “sit” there for 45 minutes? It’s not Home Living, I can tell you that.

9 – 16-03: 19th Ave.
Incident: Threat Officer

W.R. Moran reports:

“Lampley listed the incoming phone number. Lampley states that between Sept. 15 and 16, she received about 30 telephone calls from an unknown suspect who threatened to…blow up her house…and slap her sister.” Lampley listened and then hung up the phone. Lampley will contact her phone company to track incoming calls.”

I’m surprised the SWAT team wasn’t called in. Where’s James Bond when you need him?

9 – 20-03: 73rd Ave.
Incident: Suspicious circumstances

Officer K. Bair reports:

“Eggs and baked beans were thrown all over the victim’s car and dried in the sun. Unknown damage.”

“Victim is in the National Guard and has experienced many injustices from fellow military personnel. The most recent [injustice] occurred in ethics class yesterday at Camp Murray. At the end of class, the victim was given the detail of cleaning the tables. She came across a classmate’s notebook and saw drawings of Swatstikas he had created.”

Wait a minute. The fact that she intruded on someone’s private property and discovered a mindless drawing is an “injustice” to her!?

“The instructor also saw it and was equally distracted, according to the victim. The victim later told [the matter] in casual conversation to approximately five individuals. The victim’s car that sits out in front of her house had eggs and baked beans thrown all over it. Victim believes this is somehow related to the info she told her class instructor.”

I’d bet you five bucks one of her neighbors just didn’t like their breakfast. Or her, for that matter.