Dan Finkley Memorial Region

1. 3 Totalitarians and an Enlightened Despot
Mr. Berkenwald
Andrew Boelter
Preston Hale
Jonah Golden
Boelter claims he waxed 20 points in a JVC game. Hale and Golden are solid JV role players. Berkenwald is undersized, but jacked. A one-seed because all four players can be solid contributors. But a crappy one-seed nonetheless.

2. The Team
Axel Krauter
Leon Voorhees
Isaac Chamberlin
Valentino Coleman
Voorhees and Chamberlin are both solid assets on the outside, but it is the performance of Krauter than will determine how deep this team goes. At times, he is confident, focused, able to score at will in the post. At others, he is borderline comatose, launching air balls from 20 feet, getting owned on defense like he was Cloris Leachman. So which Krauter gon’ show up?

3. Slumdog and the Millionaires
Galen Beery
Riley Mulherkar
Chris Perkins
Sam Dunnington
Coach: Sean Foster
Beery is the only sure player on the team. Perkins has an impressive 47” vertical, but also a mean double-dribble. Mulherkar and Dunnington, too, possess athleticism, but lack ball-handling skills. While the team will certainly attract a sizable harem of ladies to their games, Coach Zero must whip his boys into shape if he wants to avoid failure.

4. Beauties and the Beasts
Dylan Koutsky
Danny Schwartz
Kiana Cheng
Crystal Holloway
Schwartz has got stroke in his dreams. However Cheng can light it up. While Koutsky and Holloway lack ball skills, their popularity and respective races will attract a large and potentially diverse (!) crowd. And no matter how well or poorly they fare, one thing can be certain: this is the best-looking team in the tournament (excluding Schwartz).

5. Cougar Hunters
Zach Wener-Fligner
Clifford Rostomily
Jonathan Hirschi
Derek Yates
After last year’s Super Hyphy Incredible Team jersey fiasco, everybody is anxiously awaiting whatever tricks Wener-Fligner and Co. will pull out of their sleeve this year. Expect wacky antics and a first-round win, but not much more.

6. Afromajik: The Reunion TouR
Jonas Myers
Eli Rumpf
Sam Jensen
Henton Hailey-Marshall
If you combined the jump shots of Anne Frank and Liberace, you would have the jump shot of Jonas Myers. Rumpf is an energy player, and Jensen will be immovable inside, but if this team wants to advance far into the tourney, Myers must be ready from outside.

7. Step Brothers
Traemel Miller
Rahsaan Shareef Jr.
Grant Gipson
Jordan Gipson
If it weren’t for the Gipson brothers, this team could be going places. Their questionable D and chronic brick-laying is sure to cancel out Shareef’s strong inside game.

8. Integration by Parts
Noah Wentzel
Phil McCarthy
Max Hermannsfeldt
Matt Bricker-Mounts
This team is well-balanced. Expect Wentzel and McCarthy to throw some bows inside, Hermannsfeldt to play lockdown D, and Bricka to jack up 26-footers without thinking of the consequences. Integration will implode when Wentzel and McCarthy eventually stop giving a crap.

9. Sin Calcio
Nick Thompson
Jake Alhadeff
Neil Hinnant
In spite of Hinnant’s height and sculpted glutes, Alhadeff’s deft soccer skillz, and Thompson’s soulful tenor, this team is garbo. Sorry, guys. Hinnant must learn a post move or two if they want to win their first-round matchup.

10. He’s Not 2 Short
Kirk Daffon
Elliot Mar
Eleazar Teodoro
Abe Bui
Mar is like four feet tall, but will surprise you with his handles and silky smooth J. With a name like Eleazar, I expect to see swagger dripping down onto his Air Forces. 2 Short is competent, but face a tough draw.

11. Wilson’s Angels
Zoe Storck
Carly Haeck
Georgia Jamieson
Jackie Montarbo
This team claims they are the finest of the Montlake SpaceJam livestock. But SpaceJam is still winless, so they still get the 11-seed. Word on the street is Montarbo’s got a buttery jumper.

12a. PC
Alex Evenson
James Hubert
Tommy Fleming
Marie Dohrs
The personalities of these players are top-notch. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about their basketball abilities. Hubert possesses little to no athleticism. Evenson and Dohrs are girls. Fleming is their X-factor. Will his acting chops translate to the hardcourt? Will his windswept hair hinder his jump shot? Time will tell.

12b. Vertically Challenged
Amia Kane
Jamie Li
Olivia Zech
These seniors are perpetually happy. I hope they are happy when they lose.