The Front Runners

John McCain
The scientific community rejoiced recently when John McCain was uncovered by archaeologists in Ethiopia. His bone structure could produce new theories about how primitive humans evolved into the modern Homo sapiens. Oops, that was Lucy. John McCain is pretty old though. On the plus side, he has many years of political experience, including unwaveringly positive recommendations from George.

Favorite food: Baby-back ribs.
Hidden Talent: Barbecue grill chef.
Home Task that Needs Tending: Grilling.
Pets: Sam the spaniel, Coco the mutt, two turtles, Cuff and Link Oreo the cat, a ferret, three parakeets, and 13 saltwater fish.
Item that reminds you of where you came from: Enchiladas.
High school nickname: “McNasty.”
Fun Fact: McCain is older than the state Palin governs.

Barack Obama
Tall, suave, dark, and handsome, Obama is a demigod in a man’s shell. I fall asleep to a recording of his soothing voice. Obama’s campaign is based primarily on the concept on “change,” an idea which he has been preaching ever since first soiling his diapers. In a recent poll, 56% of Americans were for change, 37% of Americans feared change, and 96% of Americans just wanted to watch Obama change.

Least Favorite Food: Ice cream.
Hidden Talent: Mean poker skills.
Favorite Reality TV Show: The U.S. Senate on C-SPAN.
Awards: He won a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Recording.
Pets: None, but he has two children.
High school nickname: “Barry.”
Fun Fact: In college he smoked pot and tried cocaine, and he recently quit smoking cigarettes.

The Hind Runners

Vermin Love Supreme
A rising candidate who received 41 votes in New Hampshire’s primary, Supreme brings policy to the table that could forever change the American image. He supports drafting an amendment making federally mandated toothbrushing a law. Furthermore, he plans on fully funding time travel research in order to travel back in time and kill Hitler prior to the Holocaust.

Jack Shepard
Shepard, who lives in Italy to avoid alleged arson charges from setting fire to his own home, has convictions of narcotics possession and sexual assault. He is also a candidate for the United States presidency. When he’s not campaigning, he works as a dentist in Italy, although his dentistry license was revoked in the United States after several allegedly “violent” incidents. Although attempts were made by officials to remove his name from the ballot, it is technically not illegal for a convicted sexual felon to run for the president. My advice: don’t vote for him, and if you see him campaigning and trying to strike one of those presidential poses while holding a baby, watch where he puts his hands.

Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey
I don’t think I’m going to be able to emphasize enough that THIS IS TRUE. This man IS running for president. Apparently it’s far too easy to get your name on the ballot in New Jersey. The Impaler is an advisor to the Church of Lucifer, also known as a “dark priest.” He is the founder, national chair, commanding general and “Death Dealer” in the 1st Vampyre, Witches, Pagans Party Regiment. He also took on the title of King Vampyre in the United Vampyre World Organization. A direct quote from the organization’s website is, “The UVWO is an organization that was founded to serve, protect, and advance Vampyre Covens and Vampyres who live in America.” Once in office, The Impaler plans to take a staunch stand against terrorism — his policy includes the provision that convicted terrorists will be “impaled.” Do not vote for him.

Ralph Nader
What did you expect?