Athleticus bluntus
Token Athletic Dunces

Characteristics
Polo shirts complemented by brand-name jeans or stylish basketball shorts emblazoned with impossibly obscure (or quite possibly nonexistent) prep team logos from the early ‘90s. Specimens often carry unnecessarily large “Adidas” duffel bags for self-assurance. ACE bandages & crutches.

Behaviors
Males, while standing still, are likely to assume a statuesque pose to augment their chiseled features. Their movement may be hindered by random body parts encased in fluorescent casts, displayed prominently so passersby can’t help but ask what sort of strenuous activity caused them harm. Expect simple speech and furrowing of the brow.

When encountered
Look straight ahead in an attempt to be nonchalant, but furtively glance at their bronzed muscles to warrant their approval. If you accidentally provoke one with complex words or bright shapes and colors, either find a security guard to befriend or chance a run… if you haven’t upset the 100 meter sprint champion, that is.

 

Icthyophiliac aquas
Spang Groupies

Characteristics
Grey sweatpants. Nalgenes. Anything from “The North Face.”

Behaviors
Affiliates of this group have been observed in Mr. Spangenberg’s Marine Science classroom before school, at breaks, during class (“Come on guys, let’s skip 5th and chill with Spang!”), and after school. Some of its elders and potentates are even rumored to sleep in Room 215. They can often be seen scampering through the halls with glazed looks of self-importance while on an errand to gain favor in the eyes of You-Know-Who. Some slave away at fiendish fish-related tasks or even stoop to sorting sophomores’ classwork, just to be within the intoxicating presence of their tribal demigod.

When encountered
Act like you know Mr. Spang, and you will be admitted into their shadowy culture of Spang-reverence and fish drama. Write down any number of his memorable witticisms on your hand; drop them casually in conversation for best effect. Use caution, as doing this too well may win you a few worshipful followers yourself This group is easily confused with the Posties, so be sure to check Nalgene stickers for positive identification.

 

Intoxicatum vulgarum
Alder Rats

Characteristics
Trendy jeans and khakis, with skate-company t-shirts complemented by expensive brand-name backpacks that never seem to be full except on Fridays. Sunken eyes from last weekend’s intoxicated exploits. Pants sagged so low that many actually wear sagging athletic shorts underneath; these are now less of a useful article of clothing and more of a ritual showpiece of sexual prowess akin to a deer’s antlers.

Behaviors
When they are not busy discussing heartrending keg drama or imbibing toxic substances in rusted sedans parked 20 feet from the school, they thoroughly enjoy sitting on the Alder stairs, clogging the most crucial entrance/exit to the school like fatty deposits clogging the arteries of regular Ezell’s customers.

When encountered
To avoid being noticed in their habitat, about which they are fiercely territorial, you may choose to rub your eyes really hard and wander around in a daze while smelling yourself. You can also stand with an impatient look on, checking your cell phone like you’re waiting for someone important.

 

Environmentus puss
Posties

Characteristics
Chacos. Ripped-on-purpose flannel shirts made of alternative fibers. Really, really big backpacks and Nalgenes liberally slathered with stickers proclaiming heavy involvement and emotional attachment to environmental and political issues such as pandas, pollution, or, of course, whales.

Behaviors
You will always see Posties roaming the halls during class periods with aimless carabineer lust, a distant look in their eyes as they imagine blazing a trail through an exotic locale like Discovery Park or even Cleveland Memorial Forest. During breaks they can be found in tight clusters, relaxing in their genuine Army Surplus Carhartts and recounting fabulous stories of deep woods adventure. Others may heatedly discuss environmental problems until liberal hearts bleed and vegan tears are shed.

When encountered
It is best not to befriend or attract the attention of a Postie, as it will result in a fate worse than death: the concentration camp known in code as “DESERT SCHOOL.” You think I’m kidding. Run.

 

Informatus locus
AP Kids

Characteristics
Unkempt hair, either tamed into an impression of a hair style seen in “Happy Days” or completely neglected and left to grow like a massive, carnivorous plant capable of swallowing pencils and unwary insects. Clothing will vary from T-shirts advertising software products to pitiful attempts to pass off their utter, hopeless lack of a social life with stylish, brooding, emo black t-shirts.

Behaviors
When they’re not feverishly trying to commit the details of the English Interregnum to memory outside of classrooms during breaks, they can be observed engaging in all manner of queer sports, such as hacky sack or paperairplane construction. Don’t be fooled by this bizarre façade: It’s just another struggle to appear like misunderstood “alternative” teens who just barely missed getting into NOVA.

When encountered
Master the stiff-legged, books-clutchedto– chest march characteristic of the AP Kid, betraying a deep inner fear of sub-A grades and sub-waistline trouser styles. To pass as a true-blooded AP kid, move as quickly as possible through the halls. Don’t forget to cradle that insulated lunch bag your mother packed last night.

 

Homo perfectus
Messenger Staff

Characteristic
Beautiful, lithe bodies, tanned and toned to perfection by long hours of exhaustive journalistic toil in the summer sun. Congenial expressions radiating unrestricted benevolence to all who pass them in the halls, which seem to glow with an ethereal, golden light as heavenly trumpets herald the passing Messenger heartthrob. Listen for magical laughter and fainting girls. Look for halos and incense-bearing cherubs.

Behaviors
When Mess Members aren’t busy composing beauteous sonnets or clever articles for the Best School Newspaper in America X Years Running, you can often find them meditating on a higher plane of existence in the gentle rays of the morning sun. When these scholars have finished with brilliant philosophical discourse, they sometimes choose to gracefully engage in a game of Frisbee, conducted in a manner so perfect, so entrancing, that the simple sport becomes a ballet of whirling color and happiness mesmerizing the onlooking underclassmen for hours on end.

When encountered
Drop to your knees and avert your eyes, lest the mighty spirit of Messenger smite ye from on high with bolts and beams and 2x4s of holy, flaming literary wit. For favor and blessings, submit offerings and prayers at the shrine that looks like the Messenger mailbox in the main office… remember, the more the merrier.