Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I know exactly what to do with girls. Any romantic shortcomings I’ve had in these sullen years of adolescence are not my fault, but rather the fault of these indecisive females and their indecision and stuff. After all, what is the friend zone but 3 letters away from the end zone?

As a result of my failures (if you can even really call them that), I have become well-versed in the stages of heart break. Thus, I feel it is my duty to share them with you, so that you might learn to avoid them.

Stage 1: The Collision

This is when your hopes and dreams of a romantic future collide with her disinterest in you. To be honest, you probably should have picked up on it the first time she stopped replying to your texts. Or when she ignored those three or four phone calls. Or maybe when she started passive-aggressively tweeting at you (“Omg dis boi won’t leave me alone #stalker”). By the time she left you that Formspring (“Hey, so… you should probably stop talking to me.”) things were already done for, and you know it.

Stage 2: Denial

But did you really know it? After all, she was (and still is) sending you mixed messages. She did like that one profile picture of you from back in middle school. Oh, and just yesterday, she texted you that winky face! Sure, she might have been talking about some other boy but, he’s not the one who got sent the winky face, is he? You know what, I think she’s just playing hard to get.

Stage 3: False Hopes Dashed

Nope, she wasn’t playing hard to get. She genuinely doesn’t want to talk to you. But c’mon, did she really have to delete you on Facebook? She has 800 friends, for Gods sake. You can’t be one of them? That’s just mean. So mean, in fact, it makes you feel bad for yourself. Why does this always have to happen to  you, of all people?

Stage 4: Self-Pity

Why don’t any of these girls ever give you a chance? After all, I’d say you’re quite the bachelor. You did get an “above average” score on that one online IQ test. And there was that time, right after midnight, when you had the world’s highest score of the day in Jetman. Oh, and you can even make your own eggs! So let’s add ‘em up: you’re smart, you’re a world-class Jetman-er, and you can cook. That’s gotta mean something, right? You know what, I think your problem is that you’re too nice a guy. As the saying goes„ nice guys finish last. As a matter of fact, you must be the nicest guy ever because you always finish last. Hey, that’s pretty good. You should tweet that. Maybe Tumbl it too.

Stage 5: Isolation

Who do they think they are„ unfollowing you?!? Those tweets were media genius. You know what? You don’t need them. Any of them. Screw Facebook, screw Twitter, and most of all, screw Tumblr (Somebody call the exterminator! We have a histper infestation.) They don’t deserve to witness your genius. You should just deactivate all of it. Yeah, that’s a good idea.

So, ever heard of World of Warcraft?

Stage 6: Repeat

You’ve been fighting mountain rats for so long, you can’t even remember why you started in the first place. Maybe you were trying to get away from a girl or something? Naw, that’s not important.

Ah, Facebook. Good old Facebook. How I missed you. What’s this, a new friend request? Ooooh, this girl is pretty cute. Love at first sight? I think so. You should hit her up and try to get her number. I can definitely see this going somewhere.