We all have exes. After the initial messy, heart-wrenching break up and awkward first month, clingy exes really get our gag reflexes going. When the clingy beggar turns into a psycho freak, it’s time to take some initiative yourself to make things better for everyone. Here are some tips for what to do when dealing with a [really] crazy ex.

If they…

Tell the whole school you have “accidents”

Yikes! You need to nip this one in the butt before people start calling you Mr. Poopypants. However, unless you’re a really unhygienic person, most people won’t believe this rumor and will too think your ex is a total nutcase, so best thing is to further the joke by rubbing it in their face. Literally! That’s some serious guts for some serious lolz right there. Biggest perk? There’s no way your ex will ever beg you for a kiss again (and you can rest assured no one will be beggin’ them for one either).

Write you letters about how much they miss you

Some might think the best solution to this is responding with an equally deep letter, though with a sarcastic undertone. Wrong! In this delicate of a situation, you needn’t be a jerk in writing. Instead, have a calm, face-to-face conversation with them about how you still really care about them (this line is crucial no matter what your level of attachment) and that you’d like to be friends but either a) you’re not ready for that or b) you’re under a lot of stress as it is. Last resort: get back together with them! Haha, sike, jk, roflcopter, lolz.

They befriend your mom

At this point it’s too weird. I mean c’mon, seriously, now they’re resorting to familial ties to get close to you?! Clearly, no one would be re-interested in a person who’s new BFF is a middle– aged woman, unless you’re into wrinkles and clogs. The best thing to do in this scenario is ignore them; treat your desperate ex as if they are any other of your mom’s friends. This means shake their hands when they meet you, answer their questions with polite sarcasm, and ask questions about their kids. While they’re at your house snacking on hummus and complaining about their thickening waist, be obvious about picking your nose or better yet, your butt! That’s a sure way to push them over the edge.

Try to hook up with you at a dance

Woah there. This is simply unacceptable, a no-go for sure. First of all, the whole point of dancefloor hook-ups are to be quick, painless, and free of complications. Not only will it be awkward and bring back some memories, but it will most likely trigger a series of teary phone calls on your ex’s behalf. Now that’s just a hassle. If and when it starts to get st-st-st-steamy, find a new dance partner immediately. If your [annoying ass] ex approaches you later and asks for a dance, shake your head N-O and pretend you’re about to die of dehydration. Quick! Make a beeline for the water fountain. Hide in coat check for the rest of the night.

Steal your dog and brand it with their initials

First, give ‘em a high five for creativity points. That’s kinda funny, just sayin’. Assuming the puppy doesn’t get hurt, it’s not all that harmful either; if worse comes to worst you can just re-name your furry friend B.J., or whatever the initials happen to be. You’ve also upgraded Fido’s look for free! Although you’ll be reminded of your ex every time you pet your pup, that can be a healthy thing. Remember: forgive, but never forget. Bottom line is your ex just craves attention, so throw ‘em a bone.

Post your sexts on the internet

Eeeee, dats awk! First thing’s first, make sure all the colleges you’re applying to know that it’s not actually you. Instead of deleting them completely, however, upload those naughty pics onto Facebook and tag them as none other than…. Your ex! This will really throw your mutual friends for a loop. (…“I thought Susan was a girl… wait what she’s got both? Cool man, double trouble!”) If your ex throws a hissy fit and makes you want to barf on yourself, go with my favorite move: punch ‘em in the face. Soo solid.

Serenade you with love songs at your bedroom window

Personally, this would rank as the top annoyance. No one wants to be awakened by sub-par singing. Especially of sappy love songs. Especially at night. Especially by your ex. Sit in bed for a good three minutes after the initial awakening chords, and then make your way to the window and nicely ask them to please shut the Hell up, you’re trying to sleep and so is your baby brother Isaiah. Depending on how badly they want you and how good their listening skills are, they will either nod and leave or continue wooing you with their verses. At this point, find a shoe and chuck it at their head. Problem solved!