Nothing will ever compare to a first high school homecoming. Some self-assured freshmen may feel ready, prepared, and utterly at ease. For those a bit flustered at the thought of entering the real world, fear not. Here are a few tips to keep you in line. Trust me: we’ve got your back.

Afternoon Delight

When school ends today, acquire deranged love for canoeing. Every time you see a paddle, jump up and down with glee and pester the upperclassmen about your upcoming boating trip. Example of an acceptable comment:

“Where are we going with them mighty fine paddles?!?! Canoeing around the San Juans perhaps? I once took a nice trip over thur with my family and my cat, Sam. Sam sat on the empty seat in the middle of the canoe! The space was meant for backpacks, but instead it held Sam!”

Finding your Individual Look

Once your afternoon fun has run its course, get dressed for your first high school dance. By Friday, the thrill of crazy Spirit Days may have run its course. Impress seniors by reminding them of the week and dressing up in their spirit day outfits. Velcro on them Tevas, buy a pair of suspenders, and work the fanny pack, asking the rest of the school to make the decision: Would you still be my friend if I wore this?

If you characterize yourself as daring, spontaneous, or a Whip It extraordinaire, don’t fail to underestimate the complexity of wearing roller skates to the event. The balance, the rhythm, the careful calculations needed for a successful dance routine: all of the ingredients needed for a recipe for disaster and a perfect start to your post-middle school career.

If You’re Feelin’ up to Gig

This is your moment, your debut into the high school arena. The rules are: there are no rules. The dance floor can get packed, and in order to ensure yourself proper room for a good routine, swing your arms around your head in a helicopter fashion until a sizable gap has formed between you and other gyrating bodies. From this point forward, it’s up to you. Sometimes it can be hard to discover your signature dance style, but a few warm up steps should shake off the jitters and give you a healthy glow. The ultimate challenge? When administrators have their backs turned, break the rules and try for a 273 degree dance move.

If You Need Some Time to Adjust

There are leaders in this world, but there are also followers. If you find yourself too timid to burst into full-on dance mode, a sly expedition is necessary. Under a false pretense (the loss of an earring? An inexplicable urge to do push-ups?), drop to all fours and enter the crowd. Maneuver yourself towards the center of the dance floor. Once you’ve found a pleasing vantage point, assume the “criss-cross applesauce” position and observe the masses. If you have a cell phone on you, quick videos can provide for later inspiration. If not, make do with what you have.

If Homework Won’t Satisfy that Mathematical Appetite (a.k.a. if You Are a Small Golden Winged Ball)

Do you feel more comfortable with people of advanced years? Are you already wishing high school were over? Are you thrilled when recounting to your parents the irresponsible deeds of your classmates? If so, grab a protractor, a clipboard, and a lasso before you leave the house.

Once you arrive at the dance, do a few laps around the edge of the crowd. Find the administrators and shake their hands while shouting polite greetings over the deafening chords of the childish, inappropriate music. After a good 10 minutes of socializing, pull out the protractor and make your move. Aim for the upperclassmen; they love bold freshmen. Check the angle of each and every dancing girl. If the angle exceeds 45 degrees, ask her politely for her and her partner’s names and carefully copy them onto your clipboard. Make a separate column for the offending angle. If she refuses to acknowledge your presence, try out a complicated, mathematical, and intimidating sentence, e.g. “The derivative of the tangent to your dancing posture creates an indeterminate equation, and if you do not straighten up I will attach you to this here lasso and you will have to sit on the side for pi to the 27th minutes.” Or you know, something like that.

Still Not Feeling it?

If you find yourself at a loss and out of ideas, work up your courage and dance with Benjamin Baker. Gender should not be a limiting factor in this venture. He’s got the looks; he’s got the charm; he’s got the moves. He’s also mastered the Macarena and has an iPhone.…You can’t go wrong here.