Anyone who has a Ph.D is a doctor, and I happen to have just that. I removed my father’s doctoral degree from its place of honor on the wall and took it to Kinko’s, where I had them professionally photocopy it for me. I keep it in my wallet, in case anyone should ask to see my credentials.

A pioneer in the field of “lottery-diagnosis,” I choose my patients’ diagnoses at random before examining them. This takes the guesswork out of medicine. Accountability is placed in a computer program called “Surgeon Gambler 2.0.” Instead of trying to accurately diagnose them, I can fully dedicate myself to treating my patients’ conditions. Opponents of my unorthodox methods call them “irresponsible” and “dangerous.” I have nothing to say to them.

Here is a look at some common ailments along with my groundbreaking treatments for them:

Blindness
An innovative surgical treatment for blindness involves making a two-millimeter incision in the eyeball and shooting in a new glass lens to replace the faulty one. I read about it on WikiHow. I don’t know many of the specifics, but I’m itching to try it out.

Multiple Personality Disorder
Hire a camera crew to discreetly follow you around and film your every action. When your other personality or personalities takes over, though you will lose all awareness of your actions, you will later be able to view the tapes and discern what you are up to in your other lives. Be forewarned that you may find your divergent lives far more interesting than your own. Also please note that as your doctor, I hold sole distribution rights to these film documents, and that I am in negotiations with the FOX network to release the uncut footage as reality TV show.

ODBO
An old dirty body odor specific to bastards, this can be tricky to shake. Sufferers of ODBO frequently find themselves incapacitated with diarrhea or burnt with gonorrhea. Those exposed to the stench often catch headaches so painful that they can’t even be killed with Midol. The simplest way to take it out is to get sprayed down with Lysol.

Drug Abuse
“Rehab” – Amy Winehouse

Acne
Place head inside microwave oven. Override door interlock system with a fork. Turn microwave to defrost setting. Enjoy with caution; product you are about to consume is extremely hot.

Cilia Gurney
An affliction of the lungs. Fibrous buildups cause difficulty breathing. To clear buildups, apply external suction force. A vaccum cleaner will suffice.

Toe Fungus
Soak both feet in a pot of boiling chicken broth for two hours. Add onions and tomatoes to compliment the podalic mushrooms that the broth will have stripped off. Consume resultant soup.

Leprosy
Do not quarantine patient. Instead, bring them to a boxing match, a horse race, or a baseball game. Exposure to and contact with healthy individuals will osmose salubrious genes to the leper. Alternatively, drown them.

Hiccups
Combine castor oil, hard liquor, sardines, avocado, cilantro, aspirin tablets and pizza dough in a blender. Drink from far side of glass.

Battery Street Tunnel Syndrome
Characterized by the ensuing frustration of finding oneself caught in heavy traffic through the Battery Street Tunnel. Typical treatments include honking, making obscene gestures to other drivers, tailgating, bump drafting, and passing time playing pocket pool.

Incontinence
Drinking a brew of beets, radishes, cow bile, lobster, earthworms, and ginger root can help prevent wanton urination. Otherwise, your best bets are adult diapers and rubber pants. If you happen to be into paraphilic infantilism, you’re in luck.

Hairy Leg Syndrome
Drench legs in nitric acid; wrap in duct tape. Leave legs bound for three to four weeks. Remove tape.

Delirium Tremens
While detoxing from alcohol, you may find yourself confused, disoriented, and haunted by visions of giant spiders, rats, squids and snakes. Feverish and paranoid, you will become irritable, and begin to shake uncontrollably. The cure for this is simple: don’t stop drinking.

Jock Itch
Scratch.

Diaper Rash
Drink eight ounces of shark liver oil every two to seven hours. Smear buttocks with bacon grease.

Tapeworm
Fast for two weeks to starve the tapeworm residing in your intestines. Hold a slab of meat in front of your mouth to lure the worm out through your innards. Yank it from your throat.

Brainal Meningitis
An advanced version of the infectious disease of the vertebrae, curing this will require a spinal tap, in which fluid is drawn from the spinal cord using a long, thin needle. After the spinal tap, I think the fluid is supposed to be injected back into the brain, but I could be wrong about that.

Writer’s Block
Sometimes a large metal cube, weighing a ton, appears on your desk for no apparent reason. It materializes out of thin air on every hard surface you sit down at, preventing you from writing there. Sadly, I have been unable to find an adequate remedy for this terrible condition.