When most people think of the Garfield High School Library, they probably think about large-print hardback kiddie books about African countries, long rows of almanacs, class time to surf the Internet for video games, and Jimi Hendrix’s head. Garfield students would be surprised to learn that the school library is actually a treasure trove of intellectually stimulating and educationally meaningful works of literature. Here are some highlights of just a few of the library’s rare gems.

Still Sheisty, Part 2
T.N. Baker

Sheisty’s much-anticipated sequel, Still Sheisty, Part 2 lets readers know from the get-go that Epiphany, Keisha, and Shana are still “trickin’ for dough, still running off at the mouth, and still being Sheisty.” The majority of the vocabulary used in this book is unprintable, with chapters beginning with phrases like, “Shana felt a burning and itching sensation in her p****. It was more itching, then burning.” There are sex scenes so explicit they could make Ron Jeremy’s fat little cheeks blush. There’s also plenty of wisdom to be gained from Still Sheisty, such as “A strong man sucks it all up” and it is good to “know a lot of sh** about life.”

24 Girls in 7 Days
By Alex Bradley

“Splashproof beach read!” and “100% waterproof cover!” shouts the front flap of this glossy piece of chick lit. The plot concerns a boy, Jack, who is faced with the daunting life challenge of narrowing down all the girls he wants to take to prom, specifically 24 girls in 7 days. He overcomes, and it’s truly inspiring. Not only can the reader learn how to overcome obstacles like “mangled kisses” and hangovers and picking prom dates, he or she can do so near the comfort of his or her own personal pool while avoiding that pesky problem of soggy pages.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens
By Sean Covey

This book is a lengthy collection of wise, indispensable, “easy-to-understand” advice to help teenagers make sure they are good at life. You can learn how to open a “relationship bank account” (RBA), distinguish between the “comfort zone” and the “courage zone,” and become a “can-do person” by doing skills like thinking and acting. 7 Habits really taught me the importance of thinking and acting, and I highly recommend both things. I don’t know how I managed to live my life before I read this book and found out that “1 plus 1 can sometimes equal 3!!!” I know this book was a “bestseller” and “very popular,” but come on. I won’t be starting a relationship bank account anytime soon.

Women Pirates: Eight Stories of Adventure
By Myra Weatherly

This book is actually pretty interesting. I learned that notorious eighteenth-century female pirate Mary Read always exposed her breasts to men she had just killed as a sort of in-your-face, insult-to-injury move. There’s even a nice illustrated picture of this scenario in case the text did not make it clear enough. Women Pirates confirms absolutely everything that Kiera Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean made me believe was true. Girl pirates kicked butt and took names. For girl pirates, “murder was a pleasure and a sport.” I’m pretty sure that, along with the breast-baring episodes, is enough to scare off any wimpy wannabe male pirate for good.