So, trick-or-treating isn’t your ideal Halloween night activity. We can work with that. You’re too old, too lazy, too jaded or had a really bad experience with a neighbor dressed as a witch. Join the club.

Gayle on the Parenting Teens Blog soothed parents with a nine-hundred word essay on Halloween activities for “tricky” teens. I took the best of her advice and elaborated, and tore the rest of it to bloody shreds.

1. Stay home and hand out candy.

This was Gayle’s first and simplest solution to the Halloween-teen conundrum. Teens can set good examples for the younger children in an enclosed, supervised environment.

Okay. Next…

2. Go to the KUBE 93 Haunted House at the Georgetown Morgue.*

I used to scoff at the idea of going to any event hosted by KUBE, especially the haunted house. I imagined a bunch of lower-ranking radio station employees using corny lines like “You will always be my…BOO!!!” and flashing the fake diamonds on their fake grills as disgusted listeners walked through some dark warehouse south of Safeco Field. A recording of Lil’ Wayne’s evil laughter would play as people exited quickly, making gagging motions.

Nowadays, I don’t know what to imagine. This year’s radio commercials for the haunted house were so creepy that I had to change the station if I was home alone. They started with screams and ended with the phrase “based on actual events.” It’s unclear how a haunted house can be based on actual events, but one thing is clear: The Blair Witch Project was based on actual events. That’s all the evidence I need.

The website for the haunted house makes more promises than an ad for herbal breast enhancement pills. The haunted house will “scare the pants off you,” “scare you senseless,” and be “the scariest event of the season.” You may also run into Luther, a mysterious character who has a rare talent for scratching his name into the air in front of his body.

3. Smash pumpkins.*

What other holiday offers a heavy alternative to egging?

4. Throw a Halloween party.

Gayle wrote that a good party is “usually a lot different for teens than for younger children.” She then listed several teen-specific party ideas, like decorations, food, movies, and a costume contest.

If you really want to know how to throw a Halloween party, talk to Gayle’s daughter. Yeow! That girl is an animal. There’s nothing she hasn’t done; no costume she hasn’t judged. Wondering which movie to watch next Friday? Gayle’s daughter can tell you what percentage of people voted for The Ring over Friday the Thirteenth at her party in 2004.

5. Go to the Fright Fest at Wild Waves “Scream” Park, sponsored by KISS 106.1.*

The Fright Fest website was a real let-down after KUBE’s depictions of Luther and his morgue. All the information is in Times New Roman on a tan background. The most important details and the puns are in bold.

Will its own pathetic advertising kill the Fest? Not on Side Show Bennie’s watch. Bennie’s been hammering nails into his body at the Fest for ages. He’s not about to go without a fight.

6. Work at Fright Fest.*

Gayle suggested that teens volunteer at a festival for younger children. Doesn’t Gayle know that life is about money? At Fright Fest, you’ll get paid to be a Haunted House Character, a Cash Control Team Member or even a Temporary Tattoo Team Member. Plus, you can hang out with other people who have those job titles.

7. Disguise yourself as a middle-schooler and infiltrate the Haunted Hangar Flashlight Candy Hunt at Magnuson Park (HHFCH).*

You were in middle school once; you probably still own something from Abercrombie. Dress up and get ready to have the time of your life among Zack and Cody’s peers.

Gayle and I hope that you found a suitable activity for Halloween night among our suggestions. We enjoyed working together and hope to collaborate again sometime soon. For more information, please visit: www​.parentingteensblog​.com/​h​a​l​l​o​w​e​e​n​-​w​i​t​h​-teens.

As Luther always says, scare ya later.

*Gayle did not recommend this activity.