Usually, you know if you’re breaking the law or not. You know when you’re exceeding the speed limit; you know when you’re truant from school, you know when you’re willingly partaking in illicit substances, and I should hope you know when you’re doing some combination of all three. However, there are a few instances when even the most innocent (or not) pastime could lead to a lot of pain and jail time, simply because you didn’t know it was illegal. Here to save you from that predicament is a handbook of laws you never knew existed.

In Seattle, women who sit on men’s laps on buses without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail sentence.

The obvious “pillow?” comments aside, I wish more people knew about this law. Actually, I just wish it were enforced, because then I might have been spared some of the scarring sights I’ve been subjected to on late-night Metro rides. And early-evening Metro rides. And lunchtime Metro rides. Bus drivers could enforce it with, I don’t know, a fire extinguisher or something. The only problem is, I would get arrested every time I ride the bus home during rush hour, because I NEVER get a seat, and I have HORRIBLE balance, so I ALWAYS fall into the lap of some poor, unsuspecting stranger. I should invest in a travel pillow.

Side note: It is also illegal to carry a fish bowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

In Washington State, it is illegal to pretend that you are the child of a rich person.

I’m not sure how far this law actually extends. It could mean that you’re not allowed to do it in a legal situation. I’m rather hoping for punishment for even casual lying. That way, that one irritating kid who always tacks “VI” onto the end of his name on his school papers can finally get his comeuppance. Yeah, you may be the sixth, but I’m betting it’s actually of the Hogg Family of the Smith Cove RV Park, not of the Dillman Family of Upper West Connecticut, or whatever. Game over for you.

In Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin, under any circumstances.

I am not kidding. As far as I can tell, this is actually a law. It’s some very weird legal wording that probably had some sort of reason behind it, but now just seems like it’s there to mock guys who can’t get laid: “Not only will no one get with you, it’s actually against the law for them to do so!” Just to be clear, this really is under any circumstances, including wedding nights.

In Washington, no one may set fire to another person’s property without prior permission.

I really hope you aren’t violating this one. That would be kind of a dick move. Mind you, this isn’t talking about property as in “a house.” That would be arson. This is property as in “your best friend’s fleece jacket, which she didn’t appreciate being burned, especially since she was wearing it at the time.” Anyways, I think I have this right: If I come home, and, unbeknownst to me, my brother has decided he’s going to use my comforter to light a bonfire, he’s goin’ to jail. But if he called while I was still at school to ask if he could use the one the cat threw up on, and I gave him the go-ahead, then he’s a-ok!

In Washington, it’s illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.

This pretty much kills my Saturday afternoons, let me tell you. But that’s just idle play. For those of you who are real sportsmen: what are you doing using a rock anyway? That’s no way to do it. Be a man. Use a gun.

In Washington, it’s illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts.

Now, most of us here at Garfield are minors, so any depraved comic selling on our parts would be doubly illegal, as it’s not supposed to be sold to us in the first place. But for the love of God, or your love of not getting arrested, stop your hentai peddling at the middle school. The Class of 2013 is going to be weird enough as it is. They don’t need any help from tentacle porn.

A license is required to sell condoms in Washington.

This means you, Guy Who Buys Way More Condoms Than He Needs (And Then Decides To Try To Sell Them To His Luckier Friends For Fun And Profit!). Not only is what you’re doing very sad, it’s illegal! Apparently the Pharmaceutical Board is not so hot on the fun prank of poking tiny holes in the condoms you’re selling. Or whatever else it is that people who are bored do when they’re working at a questionable drugstore that hasn’t renewed any of its licenses in years. Not that the guy selling them to his friends will ever get caught, but maybe reconsider buying them? He’s probably had them since he was thirteen, anyway.