Travel can be one of the most enriching and fulfilling aspects of life. People travel for fun, for business, for pretty much any reason they can think of to get out and go somewhere. Now more than ever, with the holiday season around the corner, people across the nation will leave their homes for more exciting spots. These people range from those who are too old to be useful at work and have nothing to do at home to those bumbling pickpocket fodder equipped with fanny-packs, who can be seen roaming the streets of foreign countries without a clue as to where they’re going. Indeed, travel is a wonderful thing.

Unfortunately for those of you who aren’t yet trek-savvy, long-awaited journeys are spoiled by common mishaps and obstacles like tropical illnesses, getting caught by pirates, and lately, very high foreign exchange rates. The only way to defend yourself against these unfavorable situations is to be prepared. A wise, wise man once said — and repeated numerous times — the phrase “constant vigilance.” Problems do arise when you’re in unfamiliar environments, and it would be a crying shame if you let these voyage poopers ruin your trip.

Pack Right

Not to be confused with “pack light,” packing correctly is extremely important to an enjoyable trip, and, yes, sometimes to your very survival. You should always consider the obvious questions: “Where am I going?” or “What is the climate like there?” And, if you’re anything like the aforementioned pickpocket fodder, ask yourself, “How many stupid worthless rip-off souvenirs do I want?”

One thing you always want to bring is the adventurer’s hat. You know the one that I’m talking about. A hat like Indiana Jones’ can automatically turn a veritable pleasure cruise into an expedition, complete with a touch of danger and, sometimes, vast quantities of unimaginable treasures. People always tell you to bring sunscreen. I hate sunscreen, and all the people that tell me to put it on. I’d buy sunscreen just so I could throw it away, hopefully right in the faces of all those tanning lotion advocates who have made my life a living hell since my first sunburn. Don’t bring sunscreen. If you’re fair-skinned, just cover up or something, I don’t know. I do know that sunscreen brings oily skin, and that thing where it drips down into your eyes when you go swimming, is very unpleasant and has singlehandedly ruined more than half of my vacations. Waterproof, my foot.

Deal With Airports

Airports are a traveler’s nightmare. Painfully long walks from gate to gate, overpriced everything, and unnecessarily rough airport security doing full-body crevice checks can make you wish you had stayed home before you even get in the air. Get low to the ground, level your shoulders and plow straight through the airport until you reach your gate. Whatever you do, don’t stop. Don’t stop for the drinking fountain, and don’t stop for the bathroom. Don’t even stop for the adult magazines in the little newsstand stores. It’s not worth it.

Airports are the very bane of my existence. I hate everything about them. I’d rather walk every step to Cancun and make Vanessa Carlton proud than fly. If I had to go somewhere that is actually overseas, I’d give up my entire life’s savings and take a cruise ship before setting foot inside an airport.

But, for all of you who aren’t as gung-ho about the whole walking thing, or who think you don’t hate airports (you do, you just haven’t realized it yet), my advice is to deal with airports like you’d deal with a class filled with people you hate on a block-period day. Keep your eyes trained forward, and do your business as quickly as you can so you can get out of there. Oh, I almost forgot. All you people who are scared of flying? Come on. Really? Do you know how unlikely it is to die in a plane crash? You’re probably more likely to be abducted by aliens, and aliens aren’t even real. Besides, being abducted by aliens and going on a crazy jaunt around the galaxy would be a sweet little sightseeing trip.

Adapt to New Surroundings

Sometimes, if you’re a baby, being in new places can be awfully scary. Generally speaking, I think that going somewhere new is usually worth any hardships or frights that come with it. For example, I went to Africa a couple years ago. One day, I got chased by elephants. No joke. On that very same day, I saw a cheetah kill a gazelle.

Being in a new place is exciting, but you need to adapt. Don’t act like you’re at home when you’re in the heart of the Australian Outback, or when you’re in the coldest parts of Siberia. That would just be plain silly. When you take the time to acclimatize yourself to your new surroundings, things go better for you. Just remember that you’re not at home, and that the rules in wherever you are aren’t the same as they are here. Don’t get yourself in a pickle just because you forgot what side of the road to drive on, and if you do, just relax, it’s not that big a deal. Heck, I do that here in Seattle from time to time. But don’t tell anybody. Please.