Thanksgiving is the day where we try to appreciate all the things we take for granted every other day of the year. It goes way back to when the Pilgrims first landed at Plymouth rock, and thanked God for all of the things given to them, not the least of which were terrible, horribly cold winters, famines, and other such things worth giving thanks for. They really were into this whole “giving” thing. To me, though, Thanksgiving is just an excuse to eat a lot of food and shoot at wild birds. Some people might think that that’s a terrible thing to say, but I don’t really mind. Thanksgiving seems pretty dang close to perfect already, but there are things you can do to perfect the art of thanking it up.

Give Thanks

It’s true that we here in the United States have a lot to be thankful for. We have tons of money, we have lots of land, and we have wonderful television shows. It wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing to try to appreciate all these things that have been so graciously bestowed upon us. On the other hand, there are also so, so many things that I want. I want a paintball gun, I want a go-cart with an oil slick, and I want a house with a huge disco ball inside. It doesn’t seem fair to me that I have to give thanks for all this stuff I have, when I don’t have any super-cool gadgets, or even a butler, to attend to my every whim. I don’t get to have any of these things, and I don’t like it. Why should God get my thanks if he can’t give me psychic powers? You know what? Forget Thanksgiving. This year, Russell Blount is celebrating his own holiday on November 22: Thankstaking. I mean, if I could have all the things I really wanted, I’d have a lot more to be thankful for, right? I deserve it.

Eat Well

Traditionally, people eat turkey with cranberries, pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and rolls on Thanksgiving. Now, I have no problem with that. That stuff is dynamite. But couldn’t it be more interesting? I mean, turkey isn’t too boring if you go out and karate-chop your own bird to eat, but you could always try something else. Try going to an Indian restaurant or some other odd locale to bring a different feel to this worn-out American holiday. I mean, delicious as it is, pumpkin pie can only be eaten so many times before it gets to be too much. However, keep in mind that this rule only applies to some foods. Mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and gravy will never cease to be staples of my diet, and honestly, if you wouldn’t be happy to eat only those three things constantly for the rest of your life, then I don’t know what planet you’re from.

Vegetarians are an odd species. I can only imagine how out of place they must feel on Thanksgiving, much less anywhere in America any day of the year. I’m definitely not a vegetarian. I don’t really hate them, but I definitely like my meat. In fact, I’m just going go ahead and say: more meat. All the time, every time. Meat isn’t going to offend anybody, at least anybody important. I love meat so much that if you give me a turkey stuffed with ham, and then stuffed again with turkey, I’ll give you a foot rub. I know that I’m not alone in my carnivorous inclinations; it’s a scientific fact that meat is the only substitute for love.

Deal with your family

Thanksgiving is one of the only national holidays celebrated in the United States good enough to warrant seeing your extended family. If you’re really lucky, you might not have in-laws within 1,000 miles of you.

What I wouldn’t give to have that. Whether you like it or not, it’s pretty likely that you’ll be seeing them. Families can be embarrassing, loud, and for the most part a big waste of time. So it’s important to be able to distance yourself from them. I mean, if you’ve got a cool cousin who rides a motorcycle, or an uncle who’s killed a guy, then that’s cool, but otherwise stay away. Some of you love your families, and while I am happy for you, I wonder how many presents your parents had to get you last Christmas for you to put up with your little cousins pinching you all day or getting your aunts disgusting mince-meat pie she made shoved down your throat. Suck-up.

On the twenty-second of November, you’re going to stuff your face. It’s going to be good, and it’s going to taste great. You’ll probably have an okay time, too, even if you have to deal with your family. I mean, it’s really not all that hard. You eat, you give thanks, you eat more, then you have a food coma on a couch. To be sure, Thanksgiving is looked forward to by every food-loving person in the United States, namely everybody, and you gotta step up to the plate. Garfield, I challenge you – nay, I dare you – to eat more than me on Thanksgiving. Just try it; see what happens. One of us is going to the hospital with a ruptured stomach, and it isn’t Russell Blount.