Halloween isn’t just the Jesus of the candy industry. Halloween has been enchanting little youngsters for generations, and in doing so has fattened the general population substantially. Even so, I’m a huge fan of the holiday. I get tons more presents on Halloween than I get at Christmas, and every present I get is individually wrapped and, if I’m lucky, has caramel and nougat in it.

Wear a Good Costume

For my first Halloween, I was something ridiculously cute, like a little baby lion or some other costume equally as precious. Now that I’m all grown up and mature, I play dress up with only the manliest of outfits. Everyone who is reading this newspaper should be doing the same thing by now, but I’m more than positive that some of you out there are dropping the ball.

Needless to say, the core of a successful Halloween starts with the appropriate attire. What you wear determines how you should go about approaching any nocturnal mischief you have planned for All Hallows Eve. Go for something versatile, something that can be equally as much a candy magnet as a pants-soiler.

Going to a costume store is recommended if you want to have really killer dress for Halloween. No matter how great of a mom you have, nobody makes costumes like the hardworking people in China. In a store specializing in costumes, you’ll find what you’re looking for. They’ve got ghouls, goblins, axe murderers, and the like, although they’ve also got costumes for little girly men, like fairies and princesses.

Take Candy Seriously

There’s no point in dressing up and no point in even trying if there isn’t an immediate and tangible reward. Remember that, because it applies to your entire life, not just Halloween. That being said, it’s important that when you go out into the streets on the night of October 31st you have an established purpose in mind: candy. I love it, you love it, but that’s not going to be enough. You have to breathe it. Live the candy life.

Keep in mind, only name brand candy is real candy. Some people try and give out apples, or those weird peanut-shaped marshmallows, or toothbrushes…but that’s not okay. If they don’t give out Snickers, then you show them who’s boss. Kick their pumpkin over and walk away. While they watch you in hopes that you won’t get any more violent, because you can, they’re debating or not whether to call the police. But you just keep in mind that you’re making the world a better place in telling these people how important candy is to you.

Don’t Get Caught

The first, and really only, rule to being a pain on Halloween night is not to use your own poop, because that’s the number one way to get caught. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about; the trick is a classic. With feces in a brown paper bag you light it on fire, ding-dong-ditch the house, and bask in your own glory as the owner gets crap all over his sock. Funny, right?

Wrong! I bet you amateurs use your own poop, but little do you know that’s the way you get caught; plus it’s absolutely disgusting. You’ve got to be smart, think ahead…ask a neighbor if you can walk his/her dog and collect your partner in crime that way. If you’re asking yourself what I’m talking about, then you should stop reading now and just keep using your own sh**, because you clearly don’t know about the Poop Police. Don’t think I’m making things up. They’re real.

Be Scary

If you don’t think you’re a very scary person in general, then you can start small. Most of the time, scaring little kids is extremely easy, and just as rewarding. If you’re in a tight spot, or need to impress somebody, or even if you just want to feel like a big man, go for the stinky little cowards and give them all you’ve got.

The older folks are a little bit harder. People whose age exceeds yours are more likely to call the police, and that’s definitely not a good thing. Most of them know that monsters aren’t real and that being murdered by an axe-wielding psycho doesn’t happen very often at all. So you have to be more extreme. If you want to scare an adult, burn their house down. Or kidnap their child, or something terrible. I’m in no way condoning this kind of thing, but that would be pretty scary.

As the leaves turn more and more orange, the witching hour draws closer. The night of mischief and mayhem we call Halloween is sneaking up on us quickly, and you have to be ready. Thou shalt not suffer a Halloweenie to live. That’s the Bible.

Having a good time on Halloween is easy, but only if you do it the right way: my way.