In the early hours of Wednesday morning, it’s likely that you awoke out of a terrible nightmare in which it was the first day of school and you were completely unprepared. Then you realized, much to your horror, that it was the first day of school and you were completely unprepared. Despite your parents’ attempts to de-vilify school with such remarks as “you’ll get to see all your friends,” we all know you’d be much happier down in your basement, alone, drinking cans of expired Surge and playing World of Warcraft. From here, no matter how cheap the corndogs are at AM PM, it’s all downhill.

Don’t fret just yet, my friend. Contrary to popular belief, there are plentiful alternatives to the regular school lifestyle. Many organisms, over time, have adapted comfortably to harsh surroundings. Take, for example, the slow loris, a small primate that resides in Southeast Asia. While you’re trying to remember where Ulan Bator is for your geography exam, the slow loris is sleeping cozily in the canopy of the rain forest. As you’re squeezing in a few measly hours of sleep after finishing your Ecology project, the slow loris is having the time of its life, feasting upon insects and making a mild poison out of its saliva. Your spit isn’t good for much, but a valuable lesson can be learned from the loris: Nocturnal living is a feasible and efficient alternative in our diurnal world.

Although it may sound ridiculous at first, becoming nocturnal is actually an easy way to lower your stress level and get better grades in school. Imagine waking up at midnight, fresh and bright-eyed. After a light breakfast, you make your way to all the hip parties around the city that are just getting started. While everyone else is passing out on the dock at Madison Beach, you’re still full of vigor, getting your groove on to the sweet sounds of Sweatin’ to the Oldies 4.

Once the parties wind down, you‘ll head back to your house and have lunch just before the sun rises. The time span between four o’clock and seven o’clock can be utilized for school work and diversions. This way, you won’t cut into your sleeping time with homework, and can finish all assignments comfortably while you’re in a sound state of mind. Upon arrival at school, you’ll feel that you’ve accomplished a lot during your day, unlike those diurnal dweebs who collapse faster than Walter Mondale’s presidential campaign. When fourth period ends, you’ll be enjoying a fine supper while those ragamuffins are tearing open their sack lunches. By this time, you’ll be getting rather tired, but it’s not like you didn’t sleep through fifth and sixth period in the old days.

Even I was skeptical when I first heard about this new alternative schedule. However, going to school immediately after waking soon proved to be too painful. While others turned to amphetamines and Scientology, it seemed to me that becoming nocturnal was a more sensible option. Thus, I began my nocturnal regimen. I decided that the best way to switch from seizing the day to seizing the night would be to stay awake for forty hours or so. I accomplished this by consuming liters upon liters of Mountain Dew: Livewire and prying my eyes open in a manner not dissimilar to that in A Clockwork Orange. After I was tired enough to attempt my first nocturnal cycle, I woke up at 3:30 a.m., thinking I was at a Formula One race, with a considerable amount of drool on my A-Team pillowcase.

Some people have made light of my new way of life, likening me to a vampire or a kangaroo rat. Thankfully, I’m not fazed by these detractors, except for when they point bright lights at my face, rendering me blind and paralyzed. They will pay for their ignorance when they sleep in past their L.A. final, fail high school, and end up working at a cardboard box factory. Meanwhile, my nocturnal brethren and I will grow in number, and soon become a force to be reckoned with. Hopefully, you will join us, and make this world a better place, not only for you, but for your children, you children’s children, and the Wendy’s late night pick-up window.