As you turn in the doorway, the hour of day and fluorescent lighting combine to practically blind you. Mopping away the sleep slugs from your eyeballs, you wander into your new Physics class. Spotting a few familiar faces, you give head-bobs where they are due. You can already tell this class will be nothing special, until… ooh la la. Who is this fair damsel? She greets you by leaping up and straddling your waist, kissing first, asking later. Yeah right.

You slip her a sly smile, and she returns a look that says “you’re not worthy.” Alrighty, good start. You like a spicy meatball. Next, strategically picking a seat behind Her Hotness, it’s time for some good ol’ fashioned ogling. She flicks her hair to the side with a sigh, most likely aware of her admirer.

The period ends before you’ve thought of something good to say. Corny chemistry pick-up line? Too risky. You settle for a simple, nice-guy hello, careful to keep your eyes level. She takes the bait. You’ve already won half the battle, now just give it a few days for her to get a little antsy in her pantsy.

Day by day, you exchange 6 words, 9, 12…once you’ve reached a healthy conversation of 20, you know she’s feelin’ it. So you casually suggest grabbing some dinner. Tomorrow around 6:30? Super.

To save yourself the stress and work of planning out the night, you decide to just go with the flow. You don’t want to seem like you’re overexerting yourself, so you borrow the minivan as a classy mode of transportation. A touch of Mountain Gust Febreeze and she’ll feel like Princess Diana. Except a little livelier.

You roll up a little early to see if she’s eagerly waiting for you. Of course she is, you stud. Walk around, open her door and score a few points early in the game. Now, where t o get your grub on? You could suggest The Olive Garden, but jeez, you might as well ask to marry her going to a joint like that. Let’s see…a notch below the Garden but still swanky…aha! The Denny’s around the bend is so perfect you’d think it was built just for this date. She mutters a “sure, whatever,” but you’re already zooming off, pondering your order.

Once arrived and seated, the two of you share a nice chat before the hyper-friendly waitress serves your food. Reaching for the ketchup, you catch a naughty little grin from across the table and feel a delicate touch on your foot, slowly gliding up your leg. No really.

You forget your date is sitting there as you inhale your burger and chomp down every last fry. Recovering from your feeding frenzy, you see her poking at her food and occasionally treating herself to a carrot sliver. Does she think she’s too good for Denny’s? Let me tell you, honey, nobody is too good for Denny’s. A chicken lost its fingers just for you and all you do is peck at it? Get over yourself and eat the damn food, Mary Kate!

Okay, cool your jets, bro, you still got a ways to go. She’s probably Vegan or Kabbalah or something like that. Respect the lady’s choice. At least she’s chipping in on the bill.

Time for Phase Two. You and your darling are off to the great American cinema. The worst date in the universe couldn’t ruin a Star Wars movie. Except maybe a date with a Wookie-chick. But that’s neither here nor there. You load up a bucket of butter with some popcorn and get comfy in your seat. “Hey, you got some, uh, butter on your shoulder, let me brush that off for you.” The reach around…oh yeah, she doesn’t know what hit her.

She’s as big a George Lucas fan as you are, so the entire film passes without a single exchange. There’s a fat loser sitting next to you that talks to the screen like it’s his only friend and your date hisses at him to pipe down. What a woman.

Just when you’re really starting to like this gal, the night is nearly spent. You reluctantly offer her a ride home and she accepts. On the way back, sexual tension fills the air and threatens to bust out the windows of the minivan. Pulling up to her house, you barely have time to shift into Park before she’s on you like a lioness on fresh meat. Limbs tangled and clothes flying, she…Get a hold of yourself!

She exits the van, then hesitates and turns around. Always ahead of the game, you’ve already popped a mint and licked your lips. Come to daddy. It’s a brief but true kiss and she scurries up her porch. You sit still for a few moments, reflecting and rejoicing. That night you sleep like a baby and have a really, really good dream.

Click here to read “She Said: The Dating Dilemma”