Located in rural Vermont, Mountain School is an opportunity open to high school juniors that takes them away from the traditional school for a semester of organic farming and learning. They take many of the same classes that they would’ve signed up for had they stayed at their regular high school, but Mountain School also encourages a strong connection to both the teachers and the land.

Cerf heard about the school from a tutor of his and Garfield senior Addis Goldman. Pointed towards the program by rave reviews, the junior realized that Mountain School was just what he needed at this point in his high school career.

“It’s something different, away from the academic stress of 2nd semester junior year,” says Cerf.

Every afternoon, students at Mountain School have a two-and-a-half hour work crew period, during which they pursue everything from farm management to animal tracking and compass orienteering. After about a month at the school, the intrepid junior has found there to be more to the magic of this wild wonderland than just the presence of livestock.

“It’s a pretty sustainable place,” says Cerf. “We have animals, burn our own wood and grow our own food.”

As one might hazard to guess, classes at Mountain School are affected both by the tucked away setting, and by the fact that the school is approximately 37 times smaller than Garfield.

“We have a real close relationship with teachers,” says Cerf. “It’s not a Garfield student-teacher relationship, it’s more of a kid-parent relationship.”

Garfield junior Jonah Golden has chosen to pursue a similar alternative this semester, called Chewonki, which boasts a three-to-one student-reacher ratio. Golden pursued this opportunity away from GHS for a reason much the same as Cerf’s.

“I decided to do it because I wanted an adventure,” says Golden. “I wanted to have an urge to learn, but I didn’t at Garfield and my grades were suffering because of it.”

These institutions offer an education that’s not only more in touch with nature, but also in touch with an unconventional approach to teaching.

“In history we focus on not necessarily what happened,” says Cerf, “but more on why it happened, how it affected people at the time, and what the bias is in today’s history books.”

Students still study the same subjects and go to six hours of class each day, but Mountain School does education in a way that both adds to students’ responsibilities, and at the same time, “kind of feels like a summer camp.”

10. Offer downers food

For some reason people just don’t like sharing food, so it’s no surprise that any kind of food offering can liven up someone’s day. Whether it be a yellow flavored Starburst or a nice chimichanga, it’s the thought that counts and the quickest way to show someone you care.

9. Relate to their problems

No I’m not saying you should talk about how you both have chronic diarrhea problems; I’m just saying that if a friend just tripped in front of everyone, do it with them. That way they have the comfort to relate to someone and it prevents the embarrassment from being solely on them. Or you could literally pick them up.

8. Listen to techno

If there’s one thing people can’t resist going completely bonkers to, it’s techno. Hook up the pod, roll down the windows, and stop at a red light next to some old lady. I give it about five seconds before she looks over and your friend starts having a good time.

7. Do something life threatening

Near death experiences are almost always really funny if they work out in your favor and will certainly make for a cheery mood if everyone gets out alive. Think about it: someone jaywalks I-5 and makes it to the other side; everyone’s happy.

6. Play outside

As much fun as sitting in a dark room by yourself sounds, being outside and taking in the world will liven up anyone’s spirit. Challenge someone to a rousing game of 4-square or just soak up the sun. Whatever you do, don’t let your own competitive nature get the best of you. Beating your depressed friend 100–2 in basketball won’t help things.

5. Stare at them

Unless you look like Willem Dafoe, you can immediately spark someone’s interest and put them in a good mood if you glance at them continuously. It shows that you care without trying too hard, which can sometimes make matters worse.

4. Watch an infomercial

It doesn’t matter how bad someone feels, as soon as they witness a deal where you can buy a 200-piece knife set for the price of one, it gets hard to stay down. Think of it this way: if the infomercial can make you want to buy something as useless as a Braille television remote, it can make someone happy.

3. Two words: God U Tekem Laef Blong Mi

The cure-all song that is guaranteed to make things all better. One listen and that D– on the Chemistry final will seem like a good thing. Just stepped in poop? Who cares! You’ll be too busy trying to figure out what the heck they’re saying in this song.

2. Look for a crying toddler

There’s nothing quite like watching a little girl cry because she spilled her ice cream on the ground. I don’t want to be a jerk or anything but that’s just really funny and will instantly i m p r o v e your friend’s disposition.

1. Cry

Just let them cry until they feel better I guess…

0. The 11th Way

A way to fill space in this article or the best way to cheer up your friend? When none of the aforementioned methods work, a good sock in the face should do the trick. They’ll be too busy wincing in pain to realize that their life sucks.

If they…

Tell the whole school you have “accidents”

Yikes! You need to nip this one in the butt before people start calling you Mr. Poopypants. However, unless you’re a really unhygienic person, most people won’t believe this rumor and will too think your ex is a total nutcase, so best thing is to further the joke by rubbing it in their face. Literally! That’s some serious guts for some serious lolz right there. Biggest perk? There’s no way your ex will ever beg you for a kiss again (and you can rest assured no one will be beggin’ them for one either).

Write you letters about how much they miss you

Some might think the best solution to this is responding with an equally deep letter, though with a sarcastic undertone. Wrong! In this delicate of a situation, you needn’t be a jerk in writing. Instead, have a calm, face-to-face conversation with them about how you still really care about them (this line is crucial no matter what your level of attachment) and that you’d like to be friends but either a) you’re not ready for that or b) you’re under a lot of stress as it is. Last resort: get back together with them! Haha, sike, jk, roflcopter, lolz.

They befriend your mom

At this point it’s too weird. I mean c’mon, seriously, now they’re resorting to familial ties to get close to you?! Clearly, no one would be re-interested in a person who’s new BFF is a middle– aged woman, unless you’re into wrinkles and clogs. The best thing to do in this scenario is ignore them; treat your desperate ex as if they are any other of your mom’s friends. This means shake their hands when they meet you, answer their questions with polite sarcasm, and ask questions about their kids. While they’re at your house snacking on hummus and complaining about their thickening waist, be obvious about picking your nose or better yet, your butt! That’s a sure way to push them over the edge.

Try to hook up with you at a dance

Woah there. This is simply unacceptable, a no-go for sure. First of all, the whole point of dancefloor hook-ups are to be quick, painless, and free of complications. Not only will it be awkward and bring back some memories, but it will most likely trigger a series of teary phone calls on your ex’s behalf. Now that’s just a hassle. If and when it starts to get st-st-st-steamy, find a new dance partner immediately. If your [annoying ass] ex approaches you later and asks for a dance, shake your head N-O and pretend you’re about to die of dehydration. Quick! Make a beeline for the water fountain. Hide in coat check for the rest of the night.

Steal your dog and brand it with their initials

First, give ‘em a high five for creativity points. That’s kinda funny, just sayin’. Assuming the puppy doesn’t get hurt, it’s not all that harmful either; if worse comes to worst you can just re-name your furry friend B.J., or whatever the initials happen to be. You’ve also upgraded Fido’s look for free! Although you’ll be reminded of your ex every time you pet your pup, that can be a healthy thing. Remember: forgive, but never forget. Bottom line is your ex just craves attention, so throw ‘em a bone.

Post your sexts on the internet

Eeeee, dats awk! First thing’s first, make sure all the colleges you’re applying to know that it’s not actually you. Instead of deleting them completely, however, upload those naughty pics onto Facebook and tag them as none other than…. Your ex! This will really throw your mutual friends for a loop. (…“I thought Susan was a girl… wait what she’s got both? Cool man, double trouble!”) If your ex throws a hissy fit and makes you want to barf on yourself, go with my favorite move: punch ‘em in the face. Soo solid.

Serenade you with love songs at your bedroom window

Personally, this would rank as the top annoyance. No one wants to be awakened by sub-par singing. Especially of sappy love songs. Especially at night. Especially by your ex. Sit in bed for a good three minutes after the initial awakening chords, and then make your way to the window and nicely ask them to please shut the Hell up, you’re trying to sleep and so is your baby brother Isaiah. Depending on how badly they want you and how good their listening skills are, they will either nod and leave or continue wooing you with their verses. At this point, find a shoe and chuck it at their head. Problem solved!

And so is the way of Chatroulette. com, an internet service which randomly connects you via video and text chat to someone else in the world. The website was started in November 2009 by a 17 year old Russian (he must have been bored of vodka, snow, and defeating the Germans). The web page displays a live image of yourself (using your webcam) as well as another random citizen of the earth, with a dialog box for text chatting below.

Though scarred, my hopes for Chatroulette were not entirely gone. Not all 500,000 users could be attracted to vegetables and 16 year old boys could they? Yes, yes they could. Never in my life, not even in the locker room during “Senior Swim Day” have I seen so many ancient wizard staffs. It was as if they worked in shifts, taking turns lounging on their beds, and.… “These clowns are yanking the monkey from the mango tree all day long,” said junior Jack Yates puts it on the subject of..err…talking to a zoo keeper. The amount of pornographic material on Chatroulette has not only lead to raised eyebrows (and other body parts) by lawyers, but also a new drinking game. I heard word of this drinking game from senior Haywood Jablome (name not changed).

“It’s awesome; every time you see… well you know, you drink,” said Jablome, “the best part’s the beer, but by the end of it I kind of enjoy the other parts too.”

Though many individuals have complained about the voyeuresque activities on Chatroulette, as of now no one has taken legal action against the website. The only thing between you and Free Willy is a small notice on the website advising against inappropriate behavior.

Although men are most commonly found in violation of the website’s notice, women are also guilty.

It was a Monday night at Max “Dozen Herder” David’s house, and after shuffling through a vast pile of bearded men, bros, and lonely/pierced men, I came upon two attractive young women. I slammed the words, “DON’T LEAVE,” and, “SHOW US…,” into the keyboard. After some convincing, the girls agreed to flash us if we showed them our goldmembers. This seemed out of the question, but part of me was constructing a way around the situation. I told the girls to wait, and sprinted over the bathroom where I obtained a small mirror. I told Max to look up “male anatomy” on Google Images and I reflected the search results using the mirror into the webcam. Convinced by our offering, the girls began to pull their shirts down, then hit next before they were fully removed. I yelled, “I THINK I SAW A NIPPLE,” right as Max’s mom walked into the room.

Though Chatroulette often shines where the sun doesn’t, I have had some truly wonderful experiences on the site. I have met a Persian Microsoft employee who built a model plane while I watched; I met three Swedish kids who told me about their passion for paintballing, and a guitar player from Minnesota. “I spent an hour playing apples to apples with a group of people from Michigan,” said Junior Kelly Hargus, “I was at the head of the table and they held cards up for me! It was crazy times!” Chatroulette exposes the framework of human nature and teaches us that we all aren’t so different after all.

“Some of the people you meet are pretty interesting,” said Junior Chris Wozniak, “One guy played the accordion, and another guy showed us his rooster!…I preferred the accordion.”

Chatroulette.com offers a window into the rest of the world and introduces you to people you may otherwise never meet. In fact, many people including some previous Garfield students claim to have seen celebrities such as the Jonas Brothers and Paris Hilton. As the year continues, more and more users enter the “wild west” of the internet and make a stand in front of their webcams. So the next time you want to lose yourself for a while, push away those horse tranquilizers and enter the fray that is Chatroulette.com.

Of all the different abilities Formspring offers, the one used most is the anonymous box. This allows people to ask the person who the Formspring belongs to any question. The website does not censor any questions and only people who have Formsprings have the option to keep themselves anonymous or reveal their names. If a person asking questions does not have a Formspring, their identity is hidden indefinitely.

Another option the anonymous box offers is a revealed answer option. This option allows the person who is being asked questions to show the question and answer on Facebook, MySpace, Tumblr, Twitter and a number of other social networking sites along with a link to the persons Formspring. sounds pretty innocent right? Not at all.

A lot of high school students have used FormSpring to ask their peers questions they would not ask in person. Some even choose to write statements, usually to recall a prior situation or just say whatever is on their mind. A lot of the questions on Formspring are sex-driven. Questions like, “How many people have you slept with?” or “Is it true that you and this person did…?” are two of the more frequently asked questions.

Since the answers the owner of the Formspring posts are posted on other social networking sites, goings-on that you wish to be confidential are now painted over the internet for the world to see. Many students have had their names and reputations slandered and feelings hurt because of Formspring. We cannot solely blame the person asking the questions though; some of the responsibility must come from the Formsprings user.

Senior Viche Thomas says, “If the person was asked a question that could possibly ruin their reputation, they should have skipped it, FormSpring gives you the option to answer only the questions you want.”

This is true; when a student is asked a question on FormSpring they are allowed to dismiss the question, refuse to answer it, or not have it be shown on their profile. But since Formspring does not have a filter, vulgar language and profanity are welcome, and before you can deny answering a question, the person still has to read it.

When people are given the chance to be anonymous, their true feelings and the things they really want to say come out. Formspring has given students the lane to expose, learn and manipulate our little dark secrets. Formspring does have its good uses, but for the most part, this site should go to the same place MySpace and Black Planet were sent. Remember this: people become a lot bolder when their identities are secret.

It seems like an entire world of opportunities instantly puts itself at your fingertips when you turn 18. The term “illegal” becomes a little less applicable, while the term “responsibility” either earns immense respect or gets completely ignored. At the age of 18 one is granted a running list of legally viable activities to be conquered without parental consent.

You can go skydiving

When 18 rolls around, all the years of annoyance and resentment that have been built up against curfews and the Seattle Public School system can float away with the clouds as skydiving becomes legal to do without parental consent. Jumping out of a plane can relieve the stress of everything you’ve grudgingly done for the past 18 years, and no parent has to be there and remind you dinner is at seven.

You can sext

It’s seen nearly every day on the news. More and more teens get in trouble, sometimes even arrested, for sending risqué pictures of themselves via picture mail on their cell phones to their significant others. Before they know it, their naked bodies have been seen by their entire school’s student body, thanks to forwarding. It’s called sexting, and is considered child pornography, making it illegal for anyone who’s considered a child to engage in it. However, sexting can’t be child pornography if the picture is of someone over the age of 18, so when this birthday comes, the virtual world may open up a little more.

You can get pierced and tattooed

There are a good number of people under the age of 18 who already have bodies covered in piercings and tattoos, which are probably envied by the teens who have to buy nude colored nose studs to hide them from their parents. The opportunity to desecrate your body will be completely legal when you turn 18, no matter how much your parents swear they’ll disown you.

You can buy products off of informercials

How many times have you been watching late night TV and seen an ad for something you just have to have? The newest three-armed Snuggie, say, or perhaps Tracy Jordan’s “Meat Machine” from “30 Rock.” Before you turn 18 you can only dream of these useful and fun products, but now they can be yours for only $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).

You can buy salvia

Proposals to make Salvia divinorum illegal in the U.S. have failed to pass so far. It’s not regulated under the Controlled Substances Act, but certain states have passed their own laws concerning this psychotropic plant. Most states have no age restrictions whatsoever, but many vendors refuse to sell it to anyone under the age of 18.

You can sell your sperm

Women have to wait until they’re 21 to sell their eggs, but men can start selling or donating sperm at 18. If you’re a man and don’t mind seeing numerous random children at the park who have striking resemblances to your own, donating sperm is something to consider. If done every week, maybe to multiple sperm banks, a reasonable, secure monthly income can be established, though prices on sperm donation differ depending on location.

You can become a porn star

You’re 18, you’re out on your own, and you need to find a way to bring in the Benjamins while trying to stay focused on college. Luckily, the government has made it legal for you to make big bucks starring in some of the most captivating movies of all time. When you turn 18, not only will you be able to star in porn movies, but you’ll also be able to go to the adult section of the movie rental store and buy the movies you star in, if you’re into that.

You can get married

There are the few that end up marrying their high-school sweethearts after (or during) college, but imagine being able to tie the knot while still in high school. Getting married while simultaneously writing college essays doesn’t seem too realistic, but if Nathan and Haley were able to pull it off on One Tree Hill, it might as well be a reasonable decision. Marriage is a contract and once you’re 18, contracts and binds are yours to sign.

You can buy cigarettes

But why would anyone want to do that anyway?

You can stay out as late as you want

Even though they don’t necessarily cut down youth crime, many cities across the U.S. impose youth curfews, which state that the youth, sometimes under 16, sometimes under 18, can’t stay out after a certain time and before a certain time. These curfew laws are rarely ever enforced, so most teenagers aren’t even aware they exist. When you turns 18, however, it’s just a nice feeling to know that another law doesn’t apply to you, even if you don’t know it ever did.

You CAN’T rent a car

At 18 you can die for your country, you can become a pornstar, and if you’re a boy, you can sell the DNA of your future kids to strangers. Three years later you’ll be able to go into a bar and buy alcohol. But you’ll have to wait seven years in most cases until you’ll be able to rent a car. Cars are dangerous.

Garfield senior Sam Woestwin is one of around 20 students from across the city enrolled in Seattle Schools’ Automotive Yes program. Every day at the start of lunch, as his friends head off to Ezell’s and Bathroom Burger, Woestwin hops in the whip and heads down to the nearby Automotive Technology Lab and Facility for fifth and sixth period.

Located behind Washington Middle School, this is one of the most unusual classrooms in the city. Students spend their class time around cars instead of desks. Featuring three automotive lifts, as well as space for about five cars, this class exemplifies the study of a subject that’s immediately applicable in real life.

Emerging out of that swag-filled exhaust cloud pouring from Woestwin’s Porsche is a new set of skills.  The practicality of an auto shop class, in contrast with the conventional alternatives, led Woestwin to shift gears and dedicate two hours a day for two semesters to spending quality time with his set of wheels.

“It’s always been a fantasy of mine,” says Woestwin.

Every school day around 12:20, instructor Kary Schneider begins the afternoon session of Automotive Yes. Students spend anywhere from five to 30 minutes spent going around the class, discussing each student’s plan for the day. Following the relatively brief “hands-off” session, the students get their safety goggles on, head out to the shop, and set in on their projects of choice.

“You can ask to do whatever you want [in class],” says Woestwin. “You can check oil, fluids. One kid replaced an automatic transmission with a manual one.”

Woestwin himself took on the titanic task of removing and replacing a defunct door on his own automobile.

“It just depends on how much money you can afford to spend, and how much skill you have.”

Automotive Yes is far from a goof-off elective. Schneider doesn’t take automotive work lightly, and treats every day of work as a test.

“It turned out a lot harder than I had expected,” says Woestwin. “It’s almost impossible to get an A in that class. I’m good at jumping through hoops, and I know I [won’t get one]. I think only a few kids did last semester.”

In spite of the difficulty of achieving top marks, the class attracts attendees from as far away as Ingraham High, as well as Garfield seniors Andrew Bennett and Brian Veit. Grades pale in importance when put up against the possibility for real-world learning.

“All the classes at Garfield just aren’t any good,” says Bennett. “I wanted to learn something I’d actually use.”

The Automotive Yes program is offered through a partnership between the Seattle School District, and national organization Automotive Youth Educational Systems (AYES).

“AYES was started by GM as a way to build technicians from the ground up using a good foundation of education,” says Schneider.

AYES connects automotive dealerships and manufacturers to participating schools, with the intent of giving students internships following their junior or senior years. According to the AYES website, the partnership is “designed to encourage young people to consider satisfying careers in retail automotive service” as well as “prepare them for entry-level career positions or advanced studies in automotive technology.”

Automotive Yes isn’t the only program of its kind. Vocational programs in medicine, plumbing and carpentry are offerred across the district through Seattle Schools City Campus classes, which are open to all students over the age of 16.

After trudging through that next Truax assignment or studying for the next Marine Biology test, many a Bulldog will finish the day with only few more memorized facts to show for their hard work and elbow grease. But the noble mechanic warriors of Automotive Yes will drive off in control of their lives, their destinies, and everything else under the hood.

At that point, Ed springs into action. He argues that the city is lying despite the clearly visible camera just behind the red light. My mom makes her counter-argument but Ed is determined. He repeats himself each time more enthusiastically than the last. Finally, my mother begrudgingly concedes. Despite not making a single valid argument, Ed had emerged the victor. Even when Ed Strong is wrong, he’s right.

Ed, a freshmen, is in AP calculus, four levels above the standard freshman math class. In a course containing mostly juniors and seniors, Ed’s classmates still look to him for assistance. But he doesn’t consider himself a genius. In fact, Ed says, “I don’t even consider myself one of the smartest kids. I’m just more motivated” This kind of motivation may be what propelled him to sixth in the nation at a Denver chess tournament in fifth grade.

So who is Ed Strong? “Math Nerd,» he says. “That’s all it’s ever been. But it’s actually better now.”

As freshmen, this is the first year we’ve been allowed to play tackle football during lunch. For some, this is an exciting new way to have fun. For others, it is daunting. Ed Strong harbors no such fears. The sight of Ed running full speed at you with the full intention of body-slamming you to the ground strikes terror into the heart of even the toughest freshmen. Tavish Fenbert, a man among boys both on and off the football field, has fallen victim to Ed’s bone crunching tackles on multiple occasions.

“On defense, he’s the biggest man out there” says Tavish. “Lots of people keep telling me to go out for football” Ed says, “but my mom won’t allow it.”

Ed’s mother is his only family member as he was conceived via artificial insemination. When he’s 18, if he wishes, Ed can find out the identity of his father. For now, he receives male guidance from his uncles. Ed’s uncles introduced him to the Seattle athletic scene. They have accompanied him to countless Mariners games and aroused an enthusiastic passion for sports. Part of the appeal lies in the mathetmatical aspect of sports statistics. Back in the eighth grade, Ed would spend entire bus rides arguing about the value of WHIP, FIP, and other esoteric statistical measures of baseball performance.

Ed is partially color blind but this doesn’t keep him from experiencing the arts. He fills his creative void with music. Since the third grade, he has played flute and piano and in fifth grade, added tenor sax to his resume. “Music has made school much more enjoyable,” he says. “Eighth grade was my best school year in a while and I owe much of that to music.”

But what will the future bring for Ed Strong? Ed pondered the question for a few seconds, sat up straight, and craned his neck forward in his trademark style. “I hate that question,” he said.

“Maybe he was going to end up being my perfect husband, but now I’ll never know. I’m pretty mad,” says LeBlanc. This  story illustrates a trend of countless fake accounts set up on Facebook in recent months.

These fake accounts usually appear to be real at first glance-one might have mutual friends or their wall may be pretty filled out. Upon further inspection, however, these accounts usually boast outrageous material like profanity, revealing photos, or nonsensical rambling. They’ve been known to broadcast everything from harmless inside jokes to inappropriate pictures and cyber-bullying.

“Cassidy Butler” started adding hundreds of Garfield students in late 2009. She claimed to be a Garfield transfer student from Houston who just wanted to make some friends before moving to Seattle. Although many initially added her with no qualms and wrote friendly welcomes on her wall, people soon started to question the authenticity of her profile. The questioning quickly moved from “Are you a real person?” to “Who the f*** are you?” The select few who played along with Cassidy’s sexual jokes and commented on her photos had fingers pointed at them as the face behind this obviously fake account.

Garfield sophomore Toni McFall continued talking to Cassidy online for a few weeks “to get answers” and was later falsely accused of creating the account.

“People who I didn’t even know hit me up of Facebook calling me a lying bitch and asking me why I did it,” says McFall, who promptly blocked, deleted, and reported Cassidy Butler as a fake account to the Facebook administration. Later, some of Cassidy’s real Facebook friends in Houston confessed to Toni that they had made the account just to have fun and mess with people.

Zach Ward, ’12, teamed up with his cousin Joseph Ward who lives in Boston. The pair made a fake account saying that Joseph Ward was a junior at Ingraham who just wanted to make some friends at Garfield.  Although it was only intended for fun, this false account triggered a huge response among  friends, both online to “Joseph” and in person to Zach Ward.

“To me, people just act really confused and want to know if he’s real or not,” says Zach Ward, “but online, no one has any boundaries because … they will probably never meet [Joseph].”  In both instances, Zach Ward felt embarrassed and ashamed. “It escalated to something way bigger than I expected,” Zach Ward says, “It was just a joke to me.”

The majority of the fake accounts are for fun and don’t target people in dangerous ways. Most of the cyber-bullying starts as backlash towards the creators once they’ve been figured out.

“What irritated me most is all the drama this brought,” McFall says. “I lost a lot of respect for people at Garfield who believed every rumor and brought so much attention to this dumb, fake account.”

The last question for the Cassidy Butler case is: why choose Garfield? “I guess everyone wants to be a Bulldog,” says McFall

Drown your sorrows in self pity
This is the classic and most trusted way to ride out Valentine’s Day. Bundle yourself up in blankets and consume copious amounts of ice cream and hard liquor (mix the two for a Bombay milkshake!). Watch “The Notebook” or another romantic comedy that will further engulf you in what you can’t have. If you don’t have blankets you can keep yourself warm with friction and the lonely glow of your computer monitor. This method is ideal for individuals with low will power and little to no hope. After a long night of drinking and tear jerkers (yes it’s possible to cry while you do it), call up an ex-girlfriend and cry deeply.

Boost your self esteem with freshmen
Freshmen crave the attention of upperclassmen, and Valentine’s Day is no exception. Find an attractive freshman (or 12) and flirt with them. They will be lured in by your social standing and seniority like Max David by the human growth hormone. Hit on them just long enough to spawn a small giggle or a blush, and then vanish into the crowd, leaving them with only a memory of your presence. If you find yourself in the even more unfortunate position of being single AND a freshman, scope out a fourth grade talent show: they’ll be talented and just your size!

Have a bro’s night (or babe’s)
The perfect way to forget about the opposite sex is to surround yourself with your own kind. Have some good old-fashioned same-sex fun (minus the stained britches) and call up a gaggle of your closest buds. Rent a stripper or two and kick back. Ideal movie options are “Superbad”, “The Hangover”, “Mean Girls”, and “Bring It On”. Stock up on pizza bagels and protein shakes.

Videogames
If you’re like me, you have always had a little crush on Zero-suit Samus, and have always dreamt of being half the man Soap McTavish is. Video games offer a portal out of the real world like nothing else (excluding playing video games after doing “jenkem”) Nothing takes my mind off of my female failblog like calling in an AC-130 in Modern Warfare 2. After hours of gaming, retire to your mom’s basement and make yourself a Hot Pocket.

Don’t hate the players, hate the game
This is the preferred tactic for the argumentative type. Complaining ardently about the holiday will detract from other’s good time (kind of like a spell of drain mana). Use every opportunity you get to poke fun at the holiday. Start out with a few slaps about the holiday’s history, then kick its teeth into the pavement with comments like, “it’s way too commercialized.” If you’re really into this method, buy large quantities of V-Day paraphernalia and host a singles-only bonfire.

Hit up E-Harmony
Choose a dating or social networking website and create several alternate personas. For me it’s Bruce Walker: established fighter pilot who enjoys speed cooking and championship hedge-clipping. Select physically attractive pictures and create a fake back story, then let the games begin. If you really want to forget about your troubles, become mentally attached to your creation. You are the Batman of the online dating world: by day lonely high schooler, by night Enrique, Latin dancer and Lion Tamer.

Above all, don’t despair. There are always options.