As a result of my failures (if you can even really call them that), I have become well-versed in the stages of heart break. Thus, I feel it is my duty to share them with you, so that you might learn to avoid them.

Stage 1: The Collision

This is when your hopes and dreams of a romantic future collide with her disinterest in you. To be honest, you probably should have picked up on it the first time she stopped replying to your texts. Or when she ignored those three or four phone calls. Or maybe when she started passive-aggressively tweeting at you (“Omg dis boi won’t leave me alone #stalker”). By the time she left you that Formspring (“Hey, so… you should probably stop talking to me.”) things were already done for, and you know it.

Stage 2: Denial

But did you really know it? After all, she was (and still is) sending you mixed messages. She did like that one profile picture of you from back in middle school. Oh, and just yesterday, she texted you that winky face! Sure, she might have been talking about some other boy but, he’s not the one who got sent the winky face, is he? You know what, I think she’s just playing hard to get.

Stage 3: False Hopes Dashed

Nope, she wasn’t playing hard to get. She genuinely doesn’t want to talk to you. But c’mon, did she really have to delete you on Facebook? She has 800 friends, for Gods sake. You can’t be one of them? That’s just mean. So mean, in fact, it makes you feel bad for yourself. Why does this always have to happen to  you, of all people?

Stage 4: Self-Pity

Why don’t any of these girls ever give you a chance? After all, I’d say you’re quite the bachelor. You did get an “above average” score on that one online IQ test. And there was that time, right after midnight, when you had the world’s highest score of the day in Jetman. Oh, and you can even make your own eggs! So let’s add ‘em up: you’re smart, you’re a world-class Jetman-er, and you can cook. That’s gotta mean something, right? You know what, I think your problem is that you’re too nice a guy. As the saying goes„ nice guys finish last. As a matter of fact, you must be the nicest guy ever because you always finish last. Hey, that’s pretty good. You should tweet that. Maybe Tumbl it too.

Stage 5: Isolation

Who do they think they are„ unfollowing you?!? Those tweets were media genius. You know what? You don’t need them. Any of them. Screw Facebook, screw Twitter, and most of all, screw Tumblr (Somebody call the exterminator! We have a histper infestation.) They don’t deserve to witness your genius. You should just deactivate all of it. Yeah, that’s a good idea.

So, ever heard of World of Warcraft?

Stage 6: Repeat

You’ve been fighting mountain rats for so long, you can’t even remember why you started in the first place. Maybe you were trying to get away from a girl or something? Naw, that’s not important.

Ah, Facebook. Good old Facebook. How I missed you. What’s this, a new friend request? Ooooh, this girl is pretty cute. Love at first sight? I think so. You should hit her up and try to get her number. I can definitely see this going somewhere.

The annual tradition of Black Friday seems to garner more and more attention each year, whether that is the actual business feverishly advertising or news teams recounting stories of uncontrollable crowds and instances of fatalities.

This year in West Virginia, Walter Vance, 61, collapsed inside of a Target. This man in clear need of medical attention was completely ignored by the other shoppers. They were reported even to have stepped over him as they hunted down the next best deal. Vance died later inside a West Virginia hotel.

It’s situations like this that have given Black Friday a notorious reputation similar to that of Biggie Smalls. The experiences of Garfield students during this pinnacle of holiday shopping shows that with the bad there is still good on this American holiday tradition.

Some students definitely saw the darker side of Black Friday shopping.

Freshman Vannie Sam came to the doorbuster sales down at Southcenter Mall and went to a number of the stores there.

“It was very hot and everyone seemed to be in an awful mood when I was there” says Sam.

Sam says the store clerks were “cranky and really rude.”  After being accused of making a mistake ringing up an item, one cashier engaged in a heavy verbal argument with a nearby custmer.

“She was probably suffering from sleep deprivation,” says Sam.

Other students didn’t really mind the crowds at all. Sophmore Peter Franko went by himself just to find the “freshest, flyest, crunchiest, yaperist fits” that Foot Locker and Throwbacks had to offer.

However, many Garfield High School students see Black Friday as being different than what the media leads the majority to believe.

“It was quite cheery and festive because all of the decorations were up and people seemed generally in a good mood”, says sophomore Simone Framson, who shopped around downtown Seattle at 8 a.m.

“There was even a hippy on a street corner with a Santa suit doing pictures with people,” says Framson.

Kelsey Gibbons arrived at Southcenter around 4 a.m. and noticed that everyone seemed happy and in good spirits that morning.

“No one seemed stressed out,” says Gibbons, “they were here mostly for the fun experience.”

Everyone, that is, except for Gibbons’ sister who had a “meltdown” in JC Penney because she was too tired.

The varying experiences of students give Holiday shoppers a much different picture of what Black Friday is compared to what the nightly news leads many to believe.

“It was a lighthearted time,” says Franko. “Most everyone was nice and respectful.”

Since the birth of the tradition in 1992, the Gingerbread Village in downtown Seattle has raised more than half a million dollars in donations to fund research for Type 1 Diabetes.

This year, the massive masterpieces are located at the Sheraton Hotel. Architects started designing the houses in August and more than a half ton of gingerbread was baked. Every house is sponsored by an architecture company.

“My uncle works for MulvannyG2, an architecture firm,” says sophomore Cameron Hazzard. “They design the building that they’re gonna build and pick out the candy they’re gonna use for it. The longest process is making the blueprint for it and planning all the stuff”

A few bakers are hired, but most of the assemblers are volunteers, baking for fun and the beneit ofothers.

The houses exhibit meticulous attention to detail; 1016 pieces of gum were used for the roof of one house, and carefully patterned candies make realistic shingles.

It’s been a long-standing tradition in some Garfield families to visit the houses every year.

“I’ve been going since I was 4,” says sophomore Justin McClain. “You can see how much work [the volunteers] put into them.”

“One time I went with my friends, but it wasn’t as fun” says Freshman Talia Lawrence, who has visited the gingerbread houses every year since she was 3 with her extended family. “[My cousins] think ‘oh that’s pretty cool that does not happen where we live.’” says Lawrence. “It’s unique to Seattle.”

The theme of this years houses is train stations, and designs range from minions from Despicable Me in Grand Central Station to a Harry Potter decor Kings Cross Station.

“They help put me into the holiday spirit,” says sophomore Patrick Greeley.

“We never had a reason to do it,” says Hazzard. “We just do it.”

If you go:
– Open through January 1, 2012
– Free, but donations are accepted.

Try to survive the apocalypse

With December 21 fast approaching, you’re going to want to make sure to please the Mayans. They were big on human sacrifice, so to honor Quetzalcoatl, you might want to try sacrificing a freshman. Who knows, the serpent god of the world’s end might just enjoy the scrawny meat on your choice ‘015.

This may also be the time to venture into the chilling world of cryogenetics. If the world somehow survives, but humans don’t, you’ve got seven continents to yourself.

Or you could pull an Austin Powers and shoot your frozen body off into space.Just make sure you bring that special someone with you, because the world’s going to be an awfully lonely place after the apocalypse.

Start a cult

As the end of the world nears, a good first step would be to create a massive following that would accompany you into whatever happens in the future. Of course, there is no better way to do this than to start a cult following.

It would be quite simple, really. Bathrobes, a bulk supply of Kool Aid, and aluminum foil are all you need to lift your cult off the ground and begin your journey into the future.

Skyrim

There is no better way to hide those thoughts of despair that come along with the end of the world than by playing Skyrim [reviewed in A&E this issue].

If you spend 15 hours a day playing,0000000 that would give you 5,475 hours to level-up and explore the vast world that Bethesda has birthed by the time the world ends.

The towns of Whiterun, Solitude, and Riften will be pillaged until every single petty soul gem or leg of goat has been stolen. The mountainous landscape will be littered with the corpses of blood dragons, cave bears, and venomfang skeevers, and who wouldn’t want to spend their final days in such a magical world?

For many Garfield students, fighting restless draugrs is a perfectly acceptable way to spend their final days.

Get fat

Americans these days are obsessed with self image. Nearly every other commercial is an ad for Proactiv or some diet program. Well to heck with all that! When the end of days comes there will be no reason to stay in shape, diet, or even bathe for that matter. I have a feeling that many like-minded folks will be heading over to their favorite pig-out spots to just go ham. An extra hundred pounds here or there never killed anyone, and who cares, it’s the end of the world after all.

Go streaking at the Olympics

Everyone remembers Rubber Chicken Man from the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy. This is the time to immortalize yourself by streaking at the London 2012 Games.  All you need is a well televised event such as gymnastics, a strategic covering, and a website to advertise.  We recommend errytang.com.You’ll also want to plan your escape from all the embarrassment until the December apocalypse, and become a modern Neanderthal in some Nordic cave. Just bring your X-Box (see Skyrim).

Tell someone you love them

Sure, it’s cliché.  However, if you’ve found that special someone, now’s the time to tell them.  Make sure to do the whole shebang: candles, flowers, and a moonlight walk along the water.  For the vast majority of you who haven’t found their Wesley, do it anyway. Profess your love to the nearest stranger. You never know, it could end well. If it doesn’t, you could always get a Facebook divorce the next day.

Get arrested

Getting arrested is all about the experience, just talk to Jesse Hagopian. That’s one of many reasons why you don’t want to get arrested for shoplifting, a hit and run, driving under the influence, or any other thoroughly anti-climactic crime.  If you’re going to get arrested, try something like mugging Chuck Norris or breaking into the White House.  Fair warning, though, because trying to get Chuck Norris to give you his wallet could be the last thing you ever do.  It might just be smarter to take on the entire Secret Service.

Win a Darwin Award

This venture is going to take some pretty serious planning, and should also be the last item on your bucket list, because you have to die to receive the award.  Darwin Awards are given to the stupidest deaths each year, recognizing the recipient for “improving our gene pool from removing themselves from it,” according to the awards committee. Getting this award won’t be an easy task, because the  awards committee only chooses the cream of the crop.  You could start with trying to tame a wild animal, or jumping across the Grand Canyon.

RANT: Making Up Slang Words 
Filthy, greazy, finna, grippa. These are all seemingly meanless words brought to life by individuals who were dissatisfied and bored with the English language. Absolutely nothing is cooler than making up a word, marketing it shamelessly to your friends, and then feeling like a king once it catches on. So next time you are at a party that is both poppin and packed and you want to describe it don’t just settle for one. No, that party is poppacked!
     -Azor Cole

RANT: Awkward Hallway Encounters
Walking down a hallway — empty, save an approaching classmate far away. From what distance is it appropriate to say hi? What do you do until then? Awkward hall encounters. I hate them. Reviewing your text messages, staring at the floor or doing that weird, acknowleging eyebrow raise and halfhearted smile: it all sucks. Apart from elevators and hospital waiting rooms, school hallways are the heart of a phenomenon of awkward. It doesn’t stop in schools: sidewalks, offices — this obnoxious epidemic will haunt us all for the rest of our lives, and all we can do is look away.
     -Ben Woletz

Yet only hours after arriving, I realized this was not the place for me. It seemed that every girl I encountered was wrapped in the arms of a boyfriend. Any time I would speak, these boyfriends (feeling threatened by the charming melody of my baritone) would growl at me in unison, holding their spouses tighter. It seemed as if relationships were so common, they had lost their romance.

So I long to return to Seattle, the place where my work is needed and my heart belongs. Yes, the lunches here are longer. Yes, it’s rained once in the past two weeks. Yes, their football team has a winning record. I could care less.

It is with a heavy heart I urge you, all of you: appreciate what you’ve got. Garfield is a unique school, rich in history and heritage yet relevant in the unforgiving atmosphere of competition characteristic of our age. Nowhere is there such a balance of academic and athletic excellence with diversity to boot. The pride displayed in a moment of Y-E-L-L outdoes the pride laid out throughout four years at rival schools.

And fellas, our girls are pretty hot too.

With that, I bid you farewell in what very well could be my final article as a Garfield Bulldog. Know that my lanyard hangs from my neck as a symbol of my undying loyalty, just as purple runs in my veins and through my heart.

Dr Chauncey,
I really like this girl, but there’s kind of a language barrier… and by kind of, I mean she doesn’t speak a word of English. What should I do?
–Papichulo

Love knows no language. In fact, your inability to bicker might be the grounds for a very successful, albeit silent, relationship. Think about it: nearly all ills of relationships are the result of saying too much or misunderstanding something said. Without the obstacle of speech in the way, nothing could go wrong. Trust me, I’m a doctor.

Dr Chauncey,
My girlfriend is beautiful and perfect in every single way, except that when she laughs I flee for the nearest windows and fear for the underdeveloped eardrums of any nearby babies. I’ve tried to look past it, but this is destroying our relationship. Any advice?
–Dating  A Hyena

I can’t believe you. Loving somebody means looking past their flaws, no matter how gaping, and even more, loving them for those flaws.

Hah, jokes.

A bad laugh can be hard to get around, considering making her giggle is one of your primary jobs as a good boyfriend. Perhaps you should consider trying to cover up her laugh so it doesn’t bother you: you could laugh over her, shout ninja noises or flatulate loudly.

Hey Doc,
I want to break up with my girlfriend, but I don’t want to be a jerk. So what’s the fastest way to get her to break up with me?
–Sweet & Sensitive

I would tell you that honesty is the best policy, but if you really are THAT nice, I’d feel bad not helping you. For all the people in the world trying NOT to mess things up, you represent a small and resented minority. In fact, your options are nearly limitless. However, if you want to keep her from suspecting something’s up, there is only one way to go about this: act overly clingy.

Imagine this as a game: if she doesn’t hear from you every 5 minutes, you lose. Any time she doesn’t text back, you should immediately start acting worried. Begin mildly (“Sweetie, I know you’re there,”) slowly gaining worry as the minutes tick by (“Don’t hide from me…”) After about 30 minutes or so, it’s time to blow up (“IF YOU DON’T TEXT ME BACK WE’RE THROUGH!!”). And afterwards don’t take any excuses (“Sry babe, I wuz @ soccer”

“LIES!!! YOU FILTHY LYING @#$@!!11!”).

Chaunce,
I text this girl a lot and we get along great on the phone, but it’s always awkward when we talk in person. Am I doing anything wrong?
–Nobe Alls

Nobe, you’re experiencing a phenomenon reserved exclusively for underclassmen. It’s called the Middle School effect. Middle School was a pretty awkward experience, and I’ll be the first to admit it. The strenuous social conditions forced many (myself included) to withdraw into a metaphorical cocoon. And then, come sophomore year or so, the metamorphosis was complete. I am now a beautiful social butterfly. That awkward texting-speaking barrier is only a growing pain you’ll soon be rid of. So let things be awkward for now, and enjoy just how awkward they can get (you might miss it a little).

Dear Dr Chauncey,
I really like this one girl, and we talk all the time, but she keeps telling me we’re just friends. How do I get out of this?
–In the (wrong) zone

Like the dentist with bad teeth or the obese nutritionalist, I would be a hypocrite if I acted like I really knew how to get out of your dilemma. But it is my duty to convince you I have the answer.

You see, your problem comes in that you probably care too much. Therein lies the paradox of female thought: although they all claim to love nice guys, they only love them as friends. They’re only attracted to guys who only view them as objects of lust. Sigh. Hang in there, bud.

However, with the help of innovative forms of technology, these students are now receiving extra help with some of these challenges.

Garfield students enrolled in the Individualized Education Program (IEP)  have a number of technologies at their disposal, including laptops equipped with downloadable audio books.

“I also have students who have used iTouches [iPod Touches] as planners,” said AnnaLisa Aaron, an individualized education teacher. Technological advancements, like the user friendly interface of the iPod Touch, have become almost essential to these students learning process. Because Apple products are so portable, they are ideal for IEP students to use in the classroom.

Current audio book software is  difficult to download. That means that more often than not, many of these students aren’t able to fully tap into the potential of the software

According to Aaron, Benefit Technology, Inc. has created an app for Apple products called Read2Go that works like the audio book programs at school, costs less and is more portable.

It would appear that iPods would be the easiest for these students to learn. However, having iPods in class presents new challenges. Fitting in and getting along with peers can be challenging for many students with autism without additional markers distinguishing them.

“My students don’t really want to stand out from their peers so sometimes they will say they don’t want to use something that can help them,” said Aaron.

Most teachers are understanding in situations like this where IEP students bring extra technology into class. However, breaking school policy in favor of certain students doesn’t always sit well with the rest of the class.

Another issue that has presented itself is the price of supplying these students with these gadgets. Each year the individualized education department is given money out of a public coffer that is shared throughout the school. This program needs more money to use on technology but is treated by the school as any other program that’s offered.

Some of Garfield’s IEP students are starting to take notice of the technology being implemented. One autistic student, who wishes to remain anonymous, noted that the use of laptops has been helpful.

He did mention that the use of laptops in class made him feel “less weird” compared to the tablet devices he had previously used. He likes that he no longer stands out as much.

“When I was using the tablet I felt like the other kids would say ‘oh look at that kid,” he said.

Other technologies in the school that are more universally utilized, Smart Boards, an interactive white board that connects with a computer, have been helpful for him. In the past he says he has struggled with organization and listening skills in class. He also said that they were especially useful during math and science classes. The Smart Boards have made learning much more interactive and organized, aiding many Autistic students with their learning and communication obstacles.

This year, the the FusionPage has been implemented as a way for teachers to bring notes and anything else a student would need to know onto one site. Teachers have the ability to post the notes and interactive lessons that they taught on their Smart Boards that day onto their pages.

“It is helpful because everything is more organized and all in one place” said the IEP student.

The new FusionPage system is good news for those students who need extra help in staying organized and on top of assignments.

The future for this program, Aaron said, lies in the cooperation of the teachers, students, and school board members to strive to implement new helpful technologies in the classroom. As  terrific as these new tactics sound in theory, they won’t work if nobody uses them.

“There should be a good balance between both [technology and hands on teaching] because the knowledge that teachers have to offer is still valuable,” said Aaron.

According to The Book of Strange and Curious Legal Oddities, in Washington State:

You may not carry a concealed weapon over six feet in length
As a typical paranoid teenage girl, it’s comforting to know that the guy on the street isn’t allowed to whip out a light saber — about the only weapon this long that could possibly be concealed on a human body. Unless, of course, Yao Ming has taken up jousting.

You have to have a license to sell condoms
This first poses the question of how to obtain such a license. Does it take no more than a couple hours downtown at the DOL to be making the big bucks on love glove sales? Too bad for that kid who lives vicariously through his luckier friends by selling them all the condoms he needlessly buys. Not only is he not getting laid, but now he’s breaking the law too.

Women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term
Through this law, we Washingtonians uphold the time-honored Roman courting tradition of hauling a pillow everywhere. Since society has not yet realized how much the cozy factor would go up if there were pillows and snuggies available all the time, this expectation is pretty crazy. Still, if this were actually enforced, metro bus patrons might possibly escape the annoying-middle-school-couple-who-is-obsessed-with-PDA that seems to be a part of way too many bus rides.

You also aren’t allowed to carry a fishbowl on a bus, because the sound of the sloshing water might be disruptive. Go figure.

In Wilbur, Washington, it is illegal to walk an ugly horse down the street.
University of Texas professor of economics Daniel S. Hamermesh recently published a study saying that ugly people are discriminated against in the workplace. Apparently  in Wilbur, Washington, these prejudices extend beyond the species Homo sapiens. Which then begs another question: who exactly determines what constitutes an ugly horse?

X-rays may not be used to fit shoes
Apparently this law is not even that unusual. From the 1920s to the 1960s, something called a shoe-fitting fluoroscope was used to check the fit of shoes, but was outlawed when people realized they were exposing children to high amounts of radiation. Considering my shoe obsession, it’s probably due to this law that I don’t have radiation poisoning and my feet don’t glow green.

I did my best to verify these laws, the hope being that Garfield students would uphold their reputations as law abiding young adults. So remember: make sure that if you have a cannon, you don’t hide it under your sweater.

Joy.

At first glance, the world of Halloween looks a lot like the magical domain of Pokemon. Think about it for a second: all the nurses and police officers are sexy, the guys are often rugged looking adventurers, and everybody else is some kind of animal, monster, or ghost. Just sayin’.

Dear Dr Chauncey,
How do I get the most candy possible?

Fiendin’ For Some Candy,
To best facilitate your candy commandeering, you will need a few crucial things.

Number one is a great costume. Because who do you think is gonna get more candy, the “ghost” in the bed sheet  or the Spartan whose dad bought an authentic 500BCE-era spartan sword? My money’s on Archibald McSpoiled Pants.

The second most important thing is a car. Freedom to navigate the fabled Seven Sweet Spots of Seattle is vital.

Last but not least, you must have these sweet spots mapped out in an organized and systematic manner: I would recommend beginning somewhere more kid friendly, like Magnolia, because these houses are more likely to stop supplying as it gets late. You should end your night on the Eastside: not only will the parties be plentiful, but there are sure to be lots of teens out there trick-or-treating ‘til midnight. After all, Mercer Island is kind of like Neverland: the boys never grow up (*cough* MR BERKENWALD *cough*).

Dear Dr. Chauncey,
I love candy but I hate getting fat! How do I indulge withough gaining weight?

Insecure,
Your request presents a paradox: no matter what those other FAKE doctors will tell you, there’s simply no way to lose weight while eating candy. However,  there is a large demographic of Garfield men interested in ladies who offer, as Sophomore Quinn Buchwald puts it, “more to love.” Jokes aside, don’t worry about your weight so much — there are things much more important than a number on a scale.

Dear Dr Chauncey,
How do I choose what to wear for Halloween? I don’t want to look like a slut, but at the same time, I want to show off what I’ve got… ya know?

Flirty Fifteen,
Oh, Fifteen. So young and naive. On Halloween, there is only one simple rule: there are no rules. As you are about to see, Halloween in high school is a different beast from the one you thought you had so thoroughly tamed in your middle school years. Just as sixth grade Halloween introduced masses of pre-teen girls to make up, ninth grade Halloween will introduce many to low cut shirts and short skirts. Such is the cycle of life. And so all I can say is this: don’t worry about dressing like a slut. Nobody else is.

I was beginning to worry that even the two extra minutes I had allotted myself weren’t going to be enough. The door clanked open and I noiselessly slipped out from the bustling hallway of friends greeting each other above me and backpacks just missing my face.

As I struggled to turn around in the tight confinement of the elevator, the same phrase that I had been thinking all day reverberated in my mind: “accessibility is definitely not the same as ease of access.”

Today, I was the one in the wheelchair. Armed with the affectation of a “ripped hip flexor,” I ascended the front ramp into the 2014-inundated hallways of Garfield.

After an unexpectedly steep climb from the parking lot, I wheeled into first period Latin, prepared to take my quiz. Unfortunately, I was resigned to sitting next to my desk and leaning sideways when I discovered that the Garfield desks are too narrow to accommodate the wheelchair I had borrowed from the drama department.

Not only was I unable to sit at a desk without clumsily hoisting myself into a conventional chair, but in most rooms I had to stay by the door in the very back. Maneuvering through a crowded classroom was out of the question.

I also discovered that students in wheelchairs aren’t allowed to participate in labs involving strong acids or bases. Though this makes sense, it is frustrating to think that it would be unreasonable to take AP Chemistry simply because of a wheelchair.

My (inflated) hopes of loving attention and gallantry were dashed when I was greeted with blatant stares and only the rare unsolicited offer with help down the hall. In that one day, I probably asked for more favors than I usually do in two weeks. It was disheartening to constantly need help, and even though I knew I was fine and could stand up at any time, being stuck sitting down left me discouraged.

However, whether it was out ofconcern or curiosity, I did appreciate the general interestof many of my peers, some of whom I barely knew I also often received the offer to help me race down the hallway at high speed or to pop a wheelie.

As I made my way to out of school, I prepared myself for what I expected to be one of the more eventful parts of my experience — riding the bus. But besides the strained three minutes it took to get turned around and buckled, it was decidedly ordinary. Other riders didn’t seem annoyed, and I got to use the wheelchair lift!

Junior Anita Yuranets and I left the bus and made our way down the hill to the Ave– a bit of a challenge considering my one working break. Once I convinced her that I couldn’t get her “free stuff,” we rolled into a coffee shop.

In each of the places we went, I found many adults I encountered to be overly friendly. I had actually looked forward to receiving attention, but soon found myself trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. I felt looked down upon and, every response seemed as fake and overly sweet as Splenda.

One of the most genuine people I experienced was an old man sitting next to us sipping coffee who simply said, “Bless you. You are a strong young lady.”

I want to be clear: In no way does my experience reflect that of someone actually confined to a wheelchair, and my deception may have caused some upset.

It wasn’t the profound experience that I was expecting, but I did gain appreciation for all the things I love to do that would be so much harder in a wheelchair. Next time you walk from the parking lot to the door, find the accessible pathway. It’s more maze-like than you might expect.