I even had an NBA Draft party (I’m a nerd, I acknowledge it) that year, despite knowing that the Sonics would soon be departing. I celebrated more than anyone else when they selected Serge Ibaka, and ESPN showed his four then-existing highlights that I’d watched over and over again on Youtube. I didn’t care. The Sonics would be my team, whether they were in Seattle or on Mars. 

And they still are. I find myself rooting for the Thunder through thick and thin. The only time I dislike them is when the camera pans to Clay Bennett and I throw up in my mouth a little bit.  Maybe more than a little bit.

My fanhood shall never wane.  Well, maybe that’s not completely true. One of the major reasons I like the Thunder so much is that they’re an unbelievably exciting basketball team. They have more young talent than anyone else in the NBA. 

The Thunder are led, of course, by Kevin Durant, the youngest scoring champion in the history of the league. The Durantula (I hate that nickname, oh well) is an unstoppable shooter, and has uncanny basketball smarts. But most importantly, he has the ability to get to the foul line, and he sink his shots there. He averages over 10 free throws per game, and makes them at a 90 percent clip. That’s nine free points per game. Easy money.

The second banana is Russell Westbrook. At the previously mentioned NBA Draft Party, the (two) guests and I did not like this pick a bit. Coming out of UCLA, Westbrook was nothing but a highlight machine with no jumpshot.  He’s still a highlight machine, but now he has a decent, albeit streaky and unconventional, shot. 

Any good team has solid, selfless role players. The best part about the Thunder, the main reason why I love them so unconditionally, is how absurdly unique their role players are. 

Let’s start with the one and only Serge Ibaka.  Serge is the second greatest Congolese basketball player in history, behind only Dikembe Mutumbo. He is a 7-foot tall, athletic power forward with a feathery shooting stroke. He looks like a big, goofy teenage kid who is giddy to be in the NBA every time he steps on the court. The league would be a much better place if everyone played with the same enthusiasm he does.  It would be the exact opposite of the WNBA. 

However, the opposites from the WNBA don’t stop there.  James Harden sports a beard that could be found nowhere in that league.  Actually, maybe it could be.  Some of those players… I digress.  But Harden is a bona fide (see that Ms. Judge?  Latin!) number four scorer on a playoff contender, maybe even a number three in a couple of years.  He can drain threes like no one’s business, set up teammates, and occasionally put a 7-foot white stiff on a poster. 

If the only reason people still hate the Thunder is because of Clay Bennett, it’s time to stop.  We can bitch and moan about how he stole our most successful professional sports franchise, and it’s true.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t look at the players with disdain; we must look at them like any other NBA team now.

Sure, I root for the attendance at the Ford Center to be zero every game.  Yes, I want Clay Bennett to lose money hand over fist.  But the Thunder are my favorite basketball team just because of their frenetic style, youth, and eccentricity.  Well, second favorite basketball team.  No one can top the Garfield Bulldogs in my heart.

The Seattle Seahawks had a wildly successful first draft under the new leadership of John Schneider and Pete Carroll. There was only mild nepotism, with Carroll selecting one USC player, tight end Anthony McCoy, in the sixth round, and trading for former USC running back and tequila-guzzler LenDale White. In the first round, the Seahawks selected Charlie Whitehurst’s protector of the future in Russell Okung, and the incredibly instinctive Texas safety Earl Thomas. They also picked up a Notre Dame wide receiver with the team’s coolest name: Golden Tate.

NBA Playoffs 

As winter turns to spring, and seniors completely stop doing work, the NBA playoffs surge forward. The first round is nearing completion, and there are nearly no upsets. But they are still worth watching just to see LeBron take his game to a level of basketball fans haven’t seen since… well, ever. Simply put, when Lebron wants to dominate, no one can stop him but himself. He can put up better single-game performances than Michael Jordan could. But the two cannot be mentioned in the same sentence until Lebron becomes the closer Jordan was. In other news, The Oklahoma City team-jackers might beat the Lakers. Bomb.

UW Basketball Turnover 

This is typically the offseason for college basketball, but for recruit-stalking freaks like me, this is the best part of the entire year. Two players, Elston Turner and Clarence Trent, have transferred from the team. There are several reasons given as to why this is, but the most obvious one is also the most illegal one. The way I see it, coach Lorenzo Romar is clearing scholarships so that he can bring in Terrence Jones and Terrence Ross from Oregon, who are two of the top recruits in the country. With John “Recruiting Violation” Calipari and Kentucky trying to steal Tony from the Huskies, we’ll need the Terrences to stay for at least two years.  

Roethlisberger Creeps

Ben Roethlisberger, star quarterback and leading douche for the Pittsburgh Steelers, has been accused of sexual assault. Naturally, he claimed innocence. But this isn’t the first time he’s been accused of unwanted fondling. He was also once thought to have performed a similar act back in Pennsylvania. Now he’s been suspended for the first four to six games. He deserves it. I hate him. His oversized head and ego make me simply sick. I recently met a bus driver decked out in Steelers gear. He said of Big Ben, “Brotha can get any woman he wants. Why he still rapin’?”

What bothers me most about college basketball is the extreme lack of parity in recruiting.  There is so much that goes unnoticed in the dark backrooms of recruiting, and it is so rarely punished.

John Calipari is the master of greeze, and he consistently lures top recruits with promises of low academic standards.  On his ex-Memphis team, he brought Robert Dozier in, someone whose academic eligibility was extremely questionable.  His PSAT score was in the second percentile nationally.  His SAT score was in the 87th percentile.  That doesn’t just happen.  Calipari also orchestrated the Derrick Rose debacle, costing that team every one of its wins that year.

Plus, does anyone pay attention to the regular season of college basketball?  It seems like nobody actually cares until March Madness rolls around.  Now, I won’t deny how great March Madness is.  It’s freakin’ awesome.  But if one month is the only time people pay attention to college basketball, it’s a major problem.

The complaints about the NBA are quite common:  “The season is too long,” “Everyone is just a thug,” “Referees cater to the stars,” yada yada yada.  Basketball is the most entertaining spectator sport, period.  There are too many playing gaps in football, too much inactivity in baseball, and too little excitement in soccer.  Basketball represents constant action, and every play has the potential to be in Sportscenter’s Top 10.

The NBA is by far the highest level of basketball.  There are no flubbed fastbreaks.  There are no missed lay-ins.  Everything runs as a well-oiled machine.  NBA games are rarely blowouts (unless the New Jersey Nets are involved), and are entertaining from start to finish.

There is variety in the NBA.  Some teams win by building their team around one superduperstar (see Cavaliers, Cleveland).  Others create extraordinarily deep, talented teams with no holes, like the Portland Trail Blazers.  Others are extremely young, extremely skilled, and extremely athletic, like the Oklahoma City Team-Snatchers.

Every team is different, and that’s why every game is so entertaining.  That’s true to some degree in college basketball, but not completely.  How many lame teams are filled to the brim with white dudes who can wax threes, and have one lightning-quick point guard who can distribute the ball to them.  I can think of about four off the top of my head.  The NBA doesn’t have that.
You simply cannot play in the NBA without one exceptional trait.  Be it size (Shawn Bradley), shooting (Kyle Korver, et all), ball handling (Rafer Alston), or ridiculous athleticism (hella people), you can’t make it without something.  However, having one exceptional trait doesn’t mean you’re going to make it.

NBA basketball requires a knowledge of the game infinitely more in-depth than in college.  James White is perhaps the best dunker in the world.  Do you see him in the NBA?  Gerald Green has everything basketball executives want physically, including a 42-inch vertical and a gossamer jump shot.  Yet he currently plays in Eastern Europe, probably earning a pittance.  Why?  Because his basketball IQ is 0, everyone else’s 30.

While college basketball is entertaining for a month, the NBA is more so for almost half the year.  Plus, there is no college basketball equivalent of a team dumping all their players in a desperate attempt to lure the best player in the world to their squad.  Let’s hope it all works for the Knicks.  At least for Mr. Miranda’s sake.

1. Poon Goons:  F. Pavia, Z. Wener-Fligner, C. Rostomily, D. Yates, J. Hirschi
Take: Frankie went ahead and gave his team a 1 seed because he’s on Messenger. He doesn’t realize the mistake he made by giving me the responsibility to write his team bio, though. Expect a first round loss. –Miguel Castro

2.  Blasian Persuasion:  M. Haruta, M. Woo, R. Dillard-Brown
Take:  The only co-ed team in March Madness history where the girl is taller than both boys combined, Blasian Persuasion should have strong penetration if they control the anger situation.

3.  Staff:  Mr. Berkenwald, Ms. Hahn, Mr. Haskins, Mr. Scott
Take:  The mysterious Mr. Scott could be the x-factor.  Berkenwald is stocky and athletic, and Hahn is skilled, but this team has no legitimate shot at the final four unless Mr. Haskins’ first name turns out to be Ed.

4.  John Wall’s Master Debaters:  M. Castro, S. Aumell, C. Perkins, R. Mulherkar
Take:  John Wall’s name here is irrelevant – none of these guys have any skill.  While Mulherkar has talent on the trumpet, Castro is on ASB, and Aumell loves Avatar, Chris “Robert Swift” Perkins has no redeeming qualities.

5.  Swim Team:  A. Fulton, M. Snyder, R. Walker, S.Woestwin, A. Johnson
Take:  Fulton supposedly has some semblance of skill.  The rest? Questionable, at best.  Walker provides the obligatory “tall guy with no fast twitch muscles” and Woestwin might try to set flamboyant screens.

6.  Team Awesome:  R. Peterson, M. Watson, D. Smith, Player X
Take:  The only reason these guys got a 6 seed is because they’re really, really tall.  And I’m slightly intrigued by this “Player X” fellow.  If he turns out to be Tony, they’re golden.  If he’s anything like the rest of them, expect an early exit.

7.  Nick, David, Jake and Neil Play Basketball:  N. Thompson, D. Ayala-Lindeman, J. Alhadeff, N. Hinnant
Take:  Lacking talent, this team will depart early.  Ayala-Lindeman can hurl refried beans at the opponent while Jake hucks matzah.  Nick might lull the opponent into a false sense of security with his sensual guitar playing.  Hinnant is tall, but useless.

8.  BC Calc:  M. Cunetta, A. Bui, M. Arvey. M. Proulx
Take:  Team BC Calc has been a joke since 2008 when Max Herrmannsfeldt carried the team.  Cunetta is a solid distance runner, which doesn’t help in basketball.  The rest:  You must be 5’7” or above to ride this ride.  Or win a game.

9.  Team Indecisive:  L. Munoz, L. Hansen, J.Montarbo, Z. Storck
Take:  Hansen was a baller back in middle school, but that was long ago.  Storck has above average athleticism.  Montarbo is tall.  If you combined them into one person, they’d be good.  Since they’re three, they’re not. Munoz once had six points in a Space Jam game. On the wrong hoop.

10.  W.A.W.A. Wee Wah:  L. Anderson, T. Wong, M. Palmisano, T. Quach
Take:  This is probably the nicest team in the tournament.  Palmisano and Quach were both voted “most huggable” in the senior polls.  Anderson is notorious for making a basket in the wrong hoop in a rec basketball game.  I hope they don’t get shut out.

BRANDON ROY

1.  Ebony and a Lot of Ivory:  W. Platt, Z. Brusseau, J. Jajewski, A. Harris
Take:  After winning two years ago, and nearly winning last year, this team should continue its dominance.  The presence of Platt is balanced by a potentially strong three-man lineup when they need to match up to a strong offensive team.

2.  Zombie Sonics:  R. Shaw, L. Friedman, C. Moore, N. Neighbor
Take:  These four have chemistry; they’ve played together for four straight years.  Shaw should be able to dominate lesser teams with his superior athleticism and three-point stroke.  The other three will just help where needed.

3.  The Claire Train:  M. Breuner, S. Kierstead, T. Dietrich, R. Low
Take:  These guys have a pretty decent rec team, but we’ll see how it translates to three-on-three.  Robbie has the potential to get really mad and ninja-kill someone.  The rest of them have the athleticism to eliminate some crappy teams early.

4.  Electric Dynamite:  C. Foucalt, A. Rautureau, H. Martin, T. Byrdwell
Take:  I’m have no idea about the basketball skills of the other three, but Byrdwell has stroke for days and has dominant potential.  Since he’s not on varsity, he two of his much crappier teammates can accompany him on the court.

5.  Basketchal(j):  A.Cole, J. Renner, C. Browne, L. McFeely
Take:  The first three bring junior varsity baseball experience to the table.  Liam Touchy McFeely is on varsity, but probably will be too busy cuddling with the other team.

6.  Chicken & Rice:  C. Yu, D. Pelzer, K. Nguyen, W. Hall
Take:  These four have decent athleticism, but Nguyen will likely be too scared of scuffing his shoes to help his team at all.

7.  Erupting Volcano:  C. Butler, S. Kennard, Z. Ward, W. Reed
Take:  There is a lot of lank and sinew and not much muscle or skill on this team.  Assuming Sam Kennard has more athleticism than his older brother, he seems to be the only person with any ability.

8.  Star Trek Dynasty:  E. Mar, C. Bui, Ken Daffon, Kirk Daffon
Take:  It will be very tough to differentiate between the four players — I sure can’t.
–Anonymous Senior (seriously not me)

9.  Team Goitom:  G. Woldemariam, A. Hamilton, A. Marten, T. Miller
Take:  There is certainly ample girth here for the team to occupy space.  Marten should play a Sam Jensen-esque role in the paint, and something tells me Miller might have a couple three point sprees in him.

10.  The Matzo Ballers:  B. Schechter, B. Sabath, J. Kennelly, L. Schechter
Take:  There is really no reason to believe this team can beat anyone.  Sabath has had an impressive full beard since his freshman year, but other than that, I’m very skeptical that they will even score a point.  Jake Kennelly Keys might have the magic fingers on

WILL CONROY

1.  SF Madness:  D. Newton, A.Buchanan, J. Cooper, O. Anderson
Take:  This team is questionable– Newton played varsity and Buchanan swung between JV and the top team.  However, they are two of the best players in the tournament.  If Cooper keeps his pants on, and Anderson stays off the court, they will succeed.

2.  Pippen Ain’t Easy:  Z. Woodard, B. Bauda, D. Greer, W.Warsame
Take:  I don’t know much about the other three besides the fact that their names are all freakin’ awesome.  Warsame played minutes for JV.  But the star will be the long-range gunner Greer, who will destroy opposing teams with 35-foot swishes.

3.  This Ain’t 2k10:  B. Jimerson, K. Chen, E. Dorland
Take:  Jimerson is big and exceptionally athletic, thus creating a massive mismatch for basically all the other teams.  The other two provide outside shooting assistance, and possibly comedic value.

4.  Honest Abe and the Slaves:  R.Palmer, F. Tekeste, J. Franklin, A. Stephenson
Take:  In what is probably the most blatantly politically incorrect team name in March Madness history, this team isn’t actually half-bad.  Franklin is big and slow, but skilled.  Palmer and Tekeste will have to take orders from Stephenson the entire time.

5.  Gucci Scrillaz:  G. Russell, J. Markowitz, D. Nelson, E. Moreira
Take:  Deric Nelson has some solid genes, and also has the large and athletic thing going for him.  However, he will have to do the heavy lifting, as the other three are short, and pretty much worthless.

6.  The Brons Age:  G. Bronsdon, C. Bronsdon, J.Trupin, D. Bronsdon
Take:  I’m not sure all of these Bronsdons actually exist.  Nevertheless, Trupin and Conor will dominate the paint, but Grant might be lounging in the hallway in front of the Messenger room during lunch and forget to come to games.

7.  The Railroad Conflict:  D. Clark, J. Phillips, J. Frankel, A. Loud
Take:  This is the only team in the tournament that represents every class, freshman-senior.  Clark is the undisputed leader and gunner.  Frankel will be too busy hitting on girls that walk by to be effective, while Loud will walk into Ms. Judge’s class at inappropriate times.

8.  ‘013oys:  J. Peterson, C. Eckert, M. Paley, J.Collins
Take:  I don’t actually know any of these people, but since they’re freshman they get a low seed.  Peterson played tennis, so he might be athletic.  Matt might be so pale he distracts the opponents.

9.  Andrew and the Baby Brothers:  C. Honican, J. Coughlin, A.Schwartz, Q. Frantzen
Take:  This team is better than their seed indicates.  Honican and Frantzen are both legitimate basketball players.  But the presence of Schwartz diminishes their seed from what would’ve been as high as 5, all the way down to a 9.

10.  Mehhrry Midgets:  T. Sheffield, B. Fine, K. Lemly, R. Tryon
Take:  These girls are all very kind, and likely will have a good time.  But is it really worth their paying $16 for about ten minutes of basketball?  Perhaps not, but let’s just root for them anyway.

ROYDELL SMILEY

1. Staph: Mr. Amen, Coach Haskins, Mr. Willis, Mr. Hurd
Take:  This is by far the most talented staff team in history.  Willis claims to have once played professional basketball, and might be able to lure some top talent to the team.  Amen can protect the team by calling touch fouls.  If Haskins is as skilled as he once was, Staph has to be considered the favorite.

2.  Babashatzu:  W. Dorsey, P.Finney, S. Perkins, H. Gorecki
Take:  This team is an enigma — Dorsey is incredibly talented, but can only have one other player on the floor with him at a time.  He could be an incredible liability on the defensive end.  The other freshman are athletic, but perhaps not enough to propel them to a final four appearance.

3.  Masochistic Menagerie:  P. Hale, M. Mar, A. Boelter, W. de Koch
Take:  Hale and Boelter are both legitimate JV players, but the other two will make or break the time.  De Koch may stun the other teams with classical music trivia, but likely won’t be of much assistance on the court.

4.  Dirty ABW:  T. Illes, D. Dang, A. Huynh, J. McGruder
Take:  Illes played JV this year.  He is incredibly intense, and bears an incredibly close resemblance to Russ Layng.  The team might be better off with Layng however, as he is big and athletic, and these guys are short and slow.

5.  Alpha Male:  K. Wesselhoeft, C. Barnes, M.Whelan, W. Rostomily
Take:  Barnes has some athleticism, but Rostomily likely will be as out of control as a crashing jet ski.  Wesselhoeft will forever live in the shadow of his hot sister, and Whelan doesn’t have much to contribute.

6.  Vicious Puppies:  D. Aliye, M. Yu, I. Edo, G. Dossan
Take: Zlatan Ibrahim-Edo-vic should score some (field) goals.  Duvessa should bring the crowd Aliyve.  Maudy will destroy Yu.  This team will lose early.

7.  Short and Stout:  G.Davis, J. Canova, E. North, C. Case-Box
Take:  These guys really are short, with the exception of Davis, who finally hit puberty recently.  Maybe there’s some skill that comes with lack of height (see Dorsey, Will) but it certainly doesn’t apply to these ‘011 clowns.

8.  The Sekund: B. Baker, E. Carlson, B. Geyman, Z. Gottschalk
Take:  Taking the name that someone tries for every year, these guys probably won’t win either.  Actually, the 9 seed is probably better than them, simply because they have one good player.  This team has none.

9.  I Wish I was a Baller:  H. Arrigoni, S. Montarbo, M. Bui, N. Sarju
Take:  As mentioned before, this team has one good player.  Nyasha was the most versatile player on the varsity girls team, and is fun to watch.  Montarbo will probably be busy fixing her hair, and the other two won’t know what a basketball is at all.

10.  Shaq Attack:  Z. Brown, O. Turner, K.Seasholes, C. McManus
Take:  Cora has the ability to single-handedly take over a game with her combination of size and skills.  However, her teammates likely won’t be of much help.  Turner has some athleticism, but the other two probably have nothing to contribute at all.

2. Wroten returns
This is something I’ve basically been hearing about through the grapevine. Word on the street is that Tony has to pass a “jump test” (whatever the hell that means) on February 14. Then, after two weeks of practice, he will be eligible to compete in games. So his estimated date of return is February 28. In addition to it being the day before Miguel’s birthday (which doesn’t happen this year. HA!), it’s the last day of the district tournament. While the team definitely has the talent to win state without him, having him would certainly be nice. We’ll see if he returns or not.

3. Pete Carroll to the Seahawks
Wait, what the Hell? Pete “recruiting violation” Carroll? Professional football? Honestly, you can look at this from two perspectives. The first, more pessimistic perspective is, “WHYYYYYY Seahawks WHYYYY???” The second is, “This really helps UW football. A lot.” I look at it from both perspectives. It’s a pretty boneheaded move in a long string of pretty boneheaded moves on the part of the Seahawks, giving a buttload of money and power over the roster to a coach unproven on the professional level. But this truly will help the Huskies a lot. Go Dawgs.

4. Gilbert Arenas
For those who don’t know, Gilbert Arenas brought a big bucket of guns to the basketball arena with him, then pulled one on his teammate over a gambling debt. Hold up. He did WHAT? Yeah, he makes 17 million dollars a year. And he pulled a gun over a gambling debt. What a weiner. His team, the Wizards, removed any trace of him from their arena and the NBA suspended him indefinitely without pay. It’s a shame; I loved watching him shout “Hibachi” every time he nailed a three. Or, thought he had.

We begrudgingly strolled over to the main entrance and began the long walk down the hallway. I flashed my ASB sticker confidently to Anthony Allen, who told me that I still needed a stamp. After subjecting my hand to unwanted inking, I finally entered the gym.

I got there just in time for game time, expecting that I would have to sit near the back because it was so crowded. But no, there were only two other fans there. Props to Graham Davis and Matt Cerf. Seriously, didn’t ANYONE read my article about how we need to support Garfield athletics? It got increasingly better as the game went on; people flowed in until about halftime or so. However, as the season progresses, the team and I both expect better attendance.

The actual game was terrific. The fans keyed in on one Mount Rainier Ram to pick on. Not-so-coincidentally, this person was Bryce. Bryce is a white senior, whose last name escapes me. That is because I never bothered to learn it. Nonetheless, the rest of the fans and I were able to establish a close, intimate relationship with Bryce.

Throughout the game, we made sure to let Bryce know how much he sucked. We rode him the entire game, not letting him get any rhythm. Bryce did, to his credit, have the only dunk of the game. However, when he was on the court, his team’s plus minus (essentially the score while he was on the court) was about –25. When he was on the bench, the team was probably +14.

Garfield’s team was much more successful than Bryce. I have to say that the biggest story is undoubtedly the emergence of freshman Tucker Haymond. In the first half he waxed about four 3s in a row. By the end, he had not only scored 18 points, but also won over the hearts of the audience. It was like cheering for Agent Zero, except this Agent Zero actually got playing time and scored in bunches.

The team as a whole is extraordinarily young. At times, we had four freshmen on the floor. There was almost always at least one. However, overall they performed admirably. Haymond was obviously the most impressive of them, showing impressive three-point prowess. However, he has to work on defense; he lacks lateral quickness, and often needs help defense when his man blows by him.

His fellow freshmen were not as successful, but definitely showed glimpses of good things to come. Daeshon “Daedae” Hall showed excellent athleticism, and a pretty free throw stroke. However, he often seemed to be a bit lost on the court. Essentially, he seems to have, as NBA 2k10 puts it, a low awareness rating. If he grows an inch or two (or four or five) he looks as if he could be the dominant inside force Garfield has lacked since the days of Anthony Washington.

The freshman point guards were, as NBA scouts put it, “oozing with potential.” Will Dorsey had a very impressive reverse lay-up, and showed a bevy of runners, floaters, and spin moves. Demario Hall seemed to be a little bit nervous, airmailing a couple of jumpshots. However, his physical gifts appear to be unparalleled on the Bulldogs, with the possible exception of the injured Pierre Wright. These freshmen each appear to have All-Kingco upside, and should provide a solid foundation in future years.

Overall, with such a young team, we’re going to have a very hard time against experienced Eastside teams that are riddled with seniors. But we are, without a doubt, the most talented team in the league, and the most exciting as well. Look forward to a ridiculously fun season, and lots of wins. Don’t get your hopes up too much though; there will be no state championship unless Pierre and Tony can really come back by districts.

5. Malice at the Palace

This is probably one of the most well-known sports fights, on account of how recently it occurred. It basically started when Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest decked Detroit Pistons center Ben Wallace on a lay-in. Wallace shoved him back, and some choice words were exchanged. Like any normal person would, Artest protested by striding over to the scorer’s table and lying down. Out of nowhere, a cup of liquid came flying out of the stands and struck Artest in the face. All hell broke loose. The only thing missing was Marv Albert shouting, “YES!” each time a punch was thrown. Chaos ensued. Fans (albeit those without brains) fought players. It was truly epic.

4. We’re not talking about the frog

Perhaps one of the greatest punches in NBA history was thrown in this game between the Lakers and the Rockets. In the midst of a kerfuffle at midcourt, Laker forward Kermit Washington turned around to see Houston’s Rudy Tomjanovich running in his general direction. Kermit took one step toward Tomjanovich and walloped him, leaving him completely unconscious in a pool of his own blood with a broken face. That’s right, a broken face. Tomjanovich later admitted, “I thought a scoreboard fell on me.” He might have been better off if one had.

3. Pedro v. The Don

Don Zimmer, the Yankees bench coach, was a big, friendly giant. Seventy-two years old at the time, he was bald as a bat and quite portly. Actually, he was a lard ass. He looked like Darth Vader with his mask off.

Anyways, in game three of the ALCS, the Yankees were playing the Red Sox. Roger Clemens attempted to stir up some pre-existing beef by throwing a pitch at Manny Ramirez’s head. Manny charged. The benches cleared, as is custom in basebrawls.

However, as Pedro Martinez was loafing about by his dugout, not really involved in the altercation, Zimmer waddled as fast as he could towards him. Zimmer raised his arms and squealed like a wounded tabby cat, attempting to strike Pedro, who grabbed The Don by his shiny dome and hurled him to the ground. Everyone taking part in the actual fight was briefly stunned, before quickly returning to beating the snot out of each other.

2. Seventh Floor Crew v. Women’s Rights

The Seventh Floor Crew, featuring members of the University of Miami football team along with some random guy named “Big Nick” and the producer “GoMarvelous,” made what is perhaps the most derogatory song of all time. There isn’t even a title.

The first sound heard on the track is GoMarvelous stating, “This song, in its entirety, is not meant to offend any women in its entirety. Drop the m-effing track.” The Seventh Floor Crew manages to not only offend some women in its entirety, but to offend every female on the face of the earth. Realistically, these guys should’ve been kicked off the team for this act, not matter how funny the song is. I was personally most offended by the fact that G-Reg had a verse written for him. T-Good gives a good way to remember what his number is in the song (it’s 52).

I know, I know, I keep referencing Miami football and the Seventh Floor Crew. I even mentioned them in my college essay. This article, in its entirety, is not meant to disrespect anyone, in its entirety. I just think this story is extremely funny.

1. Garfield v. Redmond

This was truly the epitome of a sports fight. Well, not really. It’s basically just a better version of the Malice at the Palace.

For all you freshmen who don’t already know, Garfield guard Dre Taylor was having an intellectual conversation with a Redmond guard, when a crazed fan rushed the floor. The moronic fan, Sean Shewey, cold-cocked Taylor in the temple, resulting in a riot.

Redmond prizes itself on its stupid little “superfan” concept, but Shewey took it one step too far. Both benches cleared. Just when the scene appeared to be calming down, a Garfield player just destroyed a Redmond Mustang, for no apparent reason. Shewey’s penalty was jail time. The Garfield player’s? A mere suspension from basketball. We all know who won this one.

Alas, it was not to be. The Powderpuff football game was, essentially, two hours of my life I desperately want back. I could’ve definitely completed more of Assassin’s Creed if I didn’t go.

Before I get into why the game sucked, I have to give out some kudos. First of all, Valentino Coleman did an amazing job coaching ‘011. They were wrapping up around the legs, and having little trouble on defense. On offense, all they needed was (Kudo #2) Cora McManus. Built like Refrigerator Perry, she ran train on ‘010 all afternoon.

Now for opposite kudos. Opposite kudos to all of ‘010. No one knew how to tackle. It isn’t that difficult to wrap up the legs and bring someone down.

On the first play of the game, a junior toppled one of 010’s biggest players, Mykihaul Gadison. Yet, every time McManus, comparably sized, got the ball, seniors bounced off like she was a trampoline.

In the end however, this game just sucked. Every time the girls ran a play, they followed it with five minutes of what teenage girls do best, standing around gossiping. This made for an obscenely boring game. I wanted to leave after twenty minutes, but journalistic obligation (and the fact that my ride was playing) prevented me from leaving. But my biggest qualm was with ‘010. There was one girl in particular who focused on directing her masses of testosterone at the other girls rather than harnessing her obscene athletic ability. She was acting like Notorious B.I.G., but with a TCH instead of a G.

My final kudos go to ‘011. The juniors came up big, and deserved the win. They took crap, got cleated, spat on, and had balls thrown at them, yet still were victorious. Junior Katie Trettenero told me on the car ride home, “Just admit it, you know ‘011 was better.” And they were.

11:30—We set out from the stanky toilets and begin our adventure.  Wandering through hordes of college students, University of Washington alumni, and goons decked in Oregon garb, we encounter a former Garfield student, class of ’09.  “I woke up with a .075!” she exclaims.  We knew this would be a good day. 

12:00—We spot a nice Huskies fan making his way through the throngs, brandishing a fried, severed duck head.  He quickly sees a group of Duck fans, and waves the head in their faces.  Hoping for increased hubbub, Matt and I briskly stride toward the situation, only to be met by a trivia war between the two sides.  Not our thang. 

12:15—We’ve gotten pretty hungry at this point, and everybody is grilling.  We attempt to weasel our way into the frat tents for free barbeque, but are quickly spotted and kicked out.  During our exit, we spot a guy tending his grill none too closely.  Seven sizzling, succulent sausages sit roasting on a barbeque in his trunk.  We contemplate, “How difficult would it be to just pluck a couple?”  However, we remember that this is immoral and teachers and parents alike will be reading our article.  Instead, we approach the man.

“What are the chances we can get a hot dog for a buck?” Matt asks.

The guy asks his buddy for advice.

His friend, clearly smashed, uttered a few garbled tones, incomprehensible to us mere mortals.  His pal, however, nodded in agreement.  He served up a couple of Polish dogs, accompanied by hamburger buns.  Not exactly what we were hoping for, but for a dollar each, it was totally worth it.  Our hunger sated, it was time to actually go to the game. 

12:35—We reach our seats directly after the national anthem.  Perfect timing.   

1:10—Okay, time for some actual athletics.  We have just endured two of the most frustrating football minutes of my life.  With the Huskies leading 3–0, punter Will Mahan lined up to kick.  After the ball was snapped, an Oregon Duck flew through the middle untouched, blocked the punt, and dove on it in the end zone for a touchdown.  Even worse, they ran a freaking fake field goal to earn a two-point conversion.  Let’s establish something—there is absolutely no reason to go for two at the beginning of the game, to get ahead 8—3.  In football, the difference between 7—3 and 8—3 is miniscule.  It was just a douchey mindgame Oregon Coach Chip Kelly was trying to play with Washington.

1:45—Our attention is waning; the game is quickly sliding down the hill, it’s almost halftime, and we’re behind.  Luckily, the guys in front of us are extremely entertaining.  Four people are sitting together, three of them guys, but one made the mistake of bringing his wife.  The married guy has been missing for at least ten minutes now, and his friends have commenced hitting on his wife.  Creepily.  I have season tickets in these seats, and every single game there have been different people sitting in those seats, hitting on different women.  One time there was a high school counselor from Tacoma hitting on coeds.  Hella creepy. 

2:00—Halftime.  We’re still hungry, and go to the concession stand.  We pay a total of $14 for four hot dogs, and they weren’t remotely as good as our parking lot one.  Go figure.

3:15 – The game is, for all intensive purposes, over.  We’re behind by A LOT.  I don’t even know the score.  The people in front of us have stopped paying attention and have resorted to making poop jokes.  It’s time to leave. 
So we make our way back the way we came, this time wandering through the desolate parking lot alone, no barbeque in sight.   

Garfield used to be all about swagger. When people fawn over the glory of “Old Garfield,” they fawn over a mindset. The students back then had the swag, the knowledge that they had the power and could entice administrators to do their bidding. Students ran Garfield. That mindset has since left Garfield, and its absence is felt not only in the bland, spiritless hallways, but in the sporting venues as well.

We still had a filthy basketball team last year, it just lacked swag. Garfield still dominated the competition for the most part, but without any special, we’re-gonna-beat-you-into-a-bloody-pulp attitude (except for in the case of Juanie vs. Sean Shewey). We didn’t command absolute respect from the other teams we played. If we did, Redmond wouldn’t have DARED to mess with us.

The team was missing a sense of spirit, of community. Old Garfield had that swagger because everyone who went there loved it unconditionally. They would perform herculean tasks just to defend it from anyone who so much as thought something negative about Garfield. Will Conroy had this pride, flashing up Gs to the crowd. Former Bulldog Ed Roy, Brandon’s brother, showed his swagger too, when he ran by the Franklin crowd displaying both upraised middle fingers. Guess what, no one retaliated against him. The name Garfield carried too much weight, had too many backers. Not many people have the cajones to do that.

That’s not to say a turnaround is not in order. Have a look at the University of Miami football team. They are literally world renowned for their swag. Back in the early nineties, they were simply known as The U. They showed up at the National Championship Game decked out in matching camo warm-ups. They dominated college football for several years. Most importantly, they created the greatest musical production of all time (Youtube search: Seventh Floor Crew). In recent years, Miami has experienced a decline in swagger. With it came a decline in wins.

However they regained their swagger due to one young leader. Jacory Harris, the quarterback, wears Louis Vuitton scarves to games. He got “USWAG” shaved into his hair. In essence, he bears the pride of the program. He loves Miami unconditionally, and almost singlehandedly brought back swagger to the school that invented it. In his first year as quarterback, Harris has changed Miami from ACC laughingstock to national powerhouse.

This isn’t to say that Garfield needs one savior. Everybody needs to step it up. This is a sports column, but really it applies throughout the entire school, regardless of sports interest. Let’s set the basketball team as an example; if they start playing with swagger and school pride it will spread like wildfire. More than anything, every student needs to start loving Garfield. Even though our favorite teachers are getting fired, attendance policies are stricter than ever, and administrators apprehend students in the halls for no reason, we need to step up and show our love for Garfield, and regain our swagger while we’re at it.