Mr. Johnson

This summer, former Garfield chemistry teacher Meade Johnson moved to a small village in England with his family. He and his wife, Laurie, decided to leave the United States for a couple of years because they wanted to expose their kids to a different way of life.

“We both love to travel and value learning from different experiences, from being out of our comfort zone, and from different cultures,” he said. “We want to expand upon our international-mindedness, and then to be able to travel too from where we are.”

Johnson says he misses the energy and the cultural diversity of the Garfield student body.

“I miss my colleagues,” he said, “and I miss the kids.”

Since his arrival in the United Kingdom, Johnson has faced the fact that people in England speak a different type of English.

“I’ve picked up at least a couple dozen words,” he said. “It’s not cell phone, it’s ‘mobile’; gas, ‘petrol’; ‘trousers’ are pants, and ‘pants’ are underpants.”

He ran into trouble when he used his American English in a conversation with women who were talking about lost arts.

“I said I used to sew, and one time I hemmed my sister’s pants,” he said. “They all burst into laughter.”

Although his three-year-old son speaks with an accent half the time, Johnson insists he won’t adopt a British accent any time soon. He also claims to be loyal to American spelling, even though spell check frequently reminds him that ‘color’ should be spelled ‘colour.’

“I remain proud of my spelling,” he said, “but the British spelling looks nice, so in a few months I might feel differently.”

Johnson said he doesn’t miss Seattle’s so-called natural beauty.

“If you call the number 26 bus line in front of my house natural beauty, then I’m faring far better here,” he said. “There’s a lot more green space here than in Seattle. And there are fields with horses and cows and meadows.”

At times, his new neighborhood resembles a farm.

“On the road that we live there are regularly giant piles of horse poo,” he admitted.

Mr. Miranda

After years of teaching at Garfield and advising the school newspaper, legendary writing teacher Steve Miranda quit his job to find a school more fitting for him.

He had begun to wonder about the effectiveness of the classroom and the system of learning that was presented. One of Miranda’s biggest issues with the teaching style at Garfield was the negative atmosphere that circulated around the grading system.

On his blog, stevemiranda.wordpress.com, Miranda explains how he tried to teach freely, focusing on discussions and projects, not homework and grades. Instead of embracing the new style, students took advantage of the freedom, claiming to “do nothing” in his class.

When he initiated a schedule of regular worksheets and multiple-choice tests, however, the students decided they were actually in a real classroom again.

“When I teach well,” he wrote, “students think I’m teaching poorly. When I teach poorly, they think I’m teaching well.”

He knew it wasn’t the students’ fault, but rather the fault of the societal system present at most schools. Miranda found the style he was looking for at Puget Sound Community School, where he now happily works as an administrator.

Miranda likes his new job, and embraces the unique style of the school.

“At PSCS, we try to help students discover what they’re passionate about, then help them pursue it,” Miranda said. “There are no grades, no academic requirements. It’s an incredible place.”

He went on to explain that the mood of the school is extremely happy; students can choose to participate in the certain activities that they are truly passionate about.

“That doesn’t mean that people sit around playing video games all day,” added Miranda.

Most of the older students all meet for a pre-calc class, getting together three days a week and receiving a fair amount of homework. Miranda believes that the students all chose to enroll for this class because the system gave them the freedom to pick what they wanted.

“They came to the conclusion on their own that math is important,” said Miranda. “When you trust young people, amazing things tend to happen, a notion that society has a very hard time grasping.”

Although he loves the system in his new school, Miranda admits to missing Garfield’s community.

“I miss a lot of people,” said Miranda. “Garfield is filled with wonderful, amazing people who made my life richer than it otherwise would have been. I have very fond memories of Garfield.”

Bottom line: know and follow your rights. If a police officer violates them, stick to the high road and don’t make the same mistake. If police have overstepped their boundaries and you have acted respectfully, you have every right to complain after the incident is over.

If you are pulled over while driving a car, you must show the police officer your driver’s license and registration. However, on other occasions, you may refuse to answer questions from the police. Keep in mind that saying nothing is better than getting angry; negative language or heated threats can get you arrested and can be used against you further down the road.

While remaining polite, you are allowed to deny the police the right to search you, your vehicle, or your living area. If they say they have a warrant, you have to right to ask to see it before they continue.

Without knowing this right, it’s easy to think consent to a search is necessary.

“We [a group of boys] were walking down the street, doing absolutely nothing illegal,” said one Garfield student. “It was Homecoming day, so there were police monitoring areas around parks. We were surprised when a policeman rolled up beside us and asked us what we were doing. My friend smart mouthed the police officer, demanding to know his rights. The officer … proceeded to search all of our backpacks.”

If you feel that police have overstepped their boundaries and violated your rights, refrain from interfering in the moment and file a complaint later. Nothing found during an illegal search can be held against you in court, but attempting to stop the search can result in an arrest.

Imagine you are at a party. There’s drinking going on, and the house becomes rowdy. Soon, someone yells out, warning the house that the cops have arrived. Apparently, the neighbors called 911.

The police can investigate the situation and talk to the owners of the house, but without a warrant, they are not legally allowed to enter the house. In order to search the house without a warrant, it must qualify for one of four rules.

If the controller of the property gives consent, police are allowed to search the house. It’s important to know that just because the cops come to your house, you don’t have to let them inside.

If the police see evidence of illegal or suspicious activity (such as underage kids drinking from red cups), they can enter the house. This is tricky to prove, but if the police claim they see something, it’s hard to fight back at a later time.

The police could also be arresting the property controller at the time, and in that case, they would have the right to enter and do a brief search to ensure the safety of the surroundings.

Last but not least, under “Exigent Circumstances,” the police may search the house. This means that the search is necessary for public safety. For example, if a criminal was on the loose, and the police saw him or her run into your house, they would be legally allowed to enter.

If given a ticket, sign it. If you have been falsely charged, you can fight it in court later. Refusing to sign is more trouble than it’s worth.

Similarly, if pulled over, accept the Breathalyzer test. Refusal to take the test will get your license suspended, which is an unnecessary charge.

If arrested, go with the officer. Remain silent except for the necessary name, age, and address. You can ask to talk to a lawyer, and can call one immediately after taken in. If you can’t afford a lawyer, one will be provided free of charge.

Although occasionally allowed to search, the police are never allowed to steal from you. Anything taken from you during a search must be mentioned in a receipt from the officer.

Without the information, it’s easy to feel slighted by the law. Preserve your sense of power by knowing exactly where your rights lie.

Afternoon Delight

When school ends today, acquire deranged love for canoeing. Every time you see a paddle, jump up and down with glee and pester the upperclassmen about your upcoming boating trip. Example of an acceptable comment:

“Where are we going with them mighty fine paddles?!?! Canoeing around the San Juans perhaps? I once took a nice trip over thur with my family and my cat, Sam. Sam sat on the empty seat in the middle of the canoe! The space was meant for backpacks, but instead it held Sam!”

Finding your Individual Look

Once your afternoon fun has run its course, get dressed for your first high school dance. By Friday, the thrill of crazy Spirit Days may have run its course. Impress seniors by reminding them of the week and dressing up in their spirit day outfits. Velcro on them Tevas, buy a pair of suspenders, and work the fanny pack, asking the rest of the school to make the decision: Would you still be my friend if I wore this?

If you characterize yourself as daring, spontaneous, or a Whip It extraordinaire, don’t fail to underestimate the complexity of wearing roller skates to the event. The balance, the rhythm, the careful calculations needed for a successful dance routine: all of the ingredients needed for a recipe for disaster and a perfect start to your post-middle school career.

If You’re Feelin’ up to Gig

This is your moment, your debut into the high school arena. The rules are: there are no rules. The dance floor can get packed, and in order to ensure yourself proper room for a good routine, swing your arms around your head in a helicopter fashion until a sizable gap has formed between you and other gyrating bodies. From this point forward, it’s up to you. Sometimes it can be hard to discover your signature dance style, but a few warm up steps should shake off the jitters and give you a healthy glow. The ultimate challenge? When administrators have their backs turned, break the rules and try for a 273 degree dance move.

If You Need Some Time to Adjust

There are leaders in this world, but there are also followers. If you find yourself too timid to burst into full-on dance mode, a sly expedition is necessary. Under a false pretense (the loss of an earring? An inexplicable urge to do push-ups?), drop to all fours and enter the crowd. Maneuver yourself towards the center of the dance floor. Once you’ve found a pleasing vantage point, assume the “criss-cross applesauce” position and observe the masses. If you have a cell phone on you, quick videos can provide for later inspiration. If not, make do with what you have.

If Homework Won’t Satisfy that Mathematical Appetite (a.k.a. if You Are a Small Golden Winged Ball)

Do you feel more comfortable with people of advanced years? Are you already wishing high school were over? Are you thrilled when recounting to your parents the irresponsible deeds of your classmates? If so, grab a protractor, a clipboard, and a lasso before you leave the house.

Once you arrive at the dance, do a few laps around the edge of the crowd. Find the administrators and shake their hands while shouting polite greetings over the deafening chords of the childish, inappropriate music. After a good 10 minutes of socializing, pull out the protractor and make your move. Aim for the upperclassmen; they love bold freshmen. Check the angle of each and every dancing girl. If the angle exceeds 45 degrees, ask her politely for her and her partner’s names and carefully copy them onto your clipboard. Make a separate column for the offending angle. If she refuses to acknowledge your presence, try out a complicated, mathematical, and intimidating sentence, e.g. “The derivative of the tangent to your dancing posture creates an indeterminate equation, and if you do not straighten up I will attach you to this here lasso and you will have to sit on the side for pi to the 27th minutes.” Or you know, something like that.

Still Not Feeling it?

If you find yourself at a loss and out of ideas, work up your courage and dance with Benjamin Baker. Gender should not be a limiting factor in this venture. He’s got the looks; he’s got the charm; he’s got the moves. He’s also mastered the Macarena and has an iPhone.…You can’t go wrong here.

“I found out a couple weeks after I was accepted that there was no housing for me,” said Adrienne*, a former Garfield student who graduated in the class of 2009. She went on to explain that at the last minute, many of her other Seattle friends had been denied dorms as well.

After inquiring at Orientation, she was told that for Seattlites living within twenty miles of the University, the chance of getting housing was very slim. Even if living space was provided, it would most likely be part of the “Temporary Housing” program; in other words, makeshift rooms on the couches of the lounge areas of real dorms.

The plan for many who lived close to the school was unclear. As few college students would be thrilled to sacrifice newly found independence and return home, freshmen were unsure of their course of action. Hoping for housing, many freshmen held their breath, keeping an eye on the waitlist.

“I received monthly emails from Housing and Food Services, telling me they were working on the dorm situation,” Adrienne said, “but I really wasn’t trying to wait.”

Adrienne quickly ruled out Temporary Housing, unenthusiastic at the prospect of camping in lobbies for the rest of the year. As living at home also proved a definite no, Adrienne was left without many options. After thinking it over, she decided to rush for a sorority instead.

“I had been considering it before,” she said, “and now knew it would undoubtedly be a better living situation.”

After rushing, Adrienne was taken off the waitlist for dorms; holding two spots for living arrangements was not allowed when each was in such demand. She found a sorority quickly, and now resides safe and dry with a roof over her head.

Although Adrienne picked the Greek route, many of her friends and other Seattle students remained on the waitlist.

“All of my friends have now been moved into dorms,” she said: a happy ending to a stressful college start.

Walking into the library one Wednesday morning, we met up with the celebrities themselves. Reclining in the hard wooden chairs, a group of fun-loving Garfield alumni joked around in the back of the room. Sauntering over to say hello, we were greeted by friendly smiles and warm welcomes; these people were full of goodness.

“We knew we wanted to donate something to the school,” one woman said. “Soon, we realized that we wanted to do something really personal, and started to donate books.”

Conversation soon drifted towards the atmosphere of Garfield in 1958.

“We were a scrappy, fantastic group,” said alumnus Willie Minor, a robust and charismatic man. Apparently, there was a bit of fighting going on. “We didn’t need cat calls; we just beat the hell out of ‘em!”

AP United States History teaches of the horrors and disagreements over the issue of school integration in the mid 1900s, and we wondered how this tension affected life at Garfield. They explained that the notorious events in the South were shockers to them. Garfield had integrated long before Southern schools, and the issue was not prevalent in the mixed classrooms.

“We were better than other schools, but it was still a big deal dating outside of our own races,” said alumnus Steve Sherman.

“Chinese and Japanese, they just didn’t date,” added alumna Jan Tanabe. “But there was a lot of sneakin’ going on!”

“Yeah,” said Sherman, “I got around the segregation by sneaking out every time I could.”

After talking a while about how Garfield has changed, we asked about the customs of the 1958 culture.

“We didn’t swear like they do now!” said alumna Maxine Lou. “And boys wore their pants at their waists.” We giggled, and asked if they participated in any club activities while in high school.

“Some people were on sports teams, some went to dances,” said alumna Connie Line. “And the rest of us just went out and smoked.”

Nonchalantly changing the subject, we slipped in a few questions about the Messenger. The group explained that the Messenger was great and came out every Friday.

We handed them a few copies of the most recent Messenger. As they shuffled the delicate pages, they squealed in delight.

“It’s in color!” they shouted. “In our day, it was all black and white.”

From day one of Driver’s Ed, we are preached the facts. The gruesome statistics are driven into innocent young minds. Pictures of parties, smashed cars, and blood spread goose bumps and silent vows of abstinence. Needless to say, we’ve all heard it enough: like salt and coffee, drinking and driving just don’t mix.

Unfortunately, Driver’s Ed doesn’t fix the problems; an overwhelming fraction of teenagers still drink and drive. People don’t plan for it, but it does happen. Indeed, many Garfield students have experienced this accidental event.

One particular young man ventured to a party, planning to drive home much later that night. He let off some steam, sipping a bit of beer, satisfied with the thought that the alcohol would safely wear off within the next few hours. Only twenty minutes after his consumption, rumors started that the cops were coming.

“We were shooed out the house,” he said. “I never thought I’d drink and drive, but I didn’t know what to do because I had no ride home. I didn’t want to leave my car, so I got in and maneuvered my way home.”

It’s hard to judge exactly how much alcohol consumption constitutes hazardous driving, especially while under the influence at the time of the situation. When the only way home is a car, driving after a party may seem necessary. The opportunity always presents itself: tempting, daunting, and unassuming. Many people overlook the danger, partially because not many people get caught. But for those who do, the consequences are far too real.

On December 15, 2007, after having his license for about six months, Garfield student Frosdidius* was driving home from a party. He’d had some to drink earlier in the night, and by the time he and his friend got in the car, he didn’t think much of it.

“We were on I-5 around midnight,” said Frosdidius. “I was going 20 mph over the speed limit when I saw flashing lights in my mirror.”

A State Patrol trooper pulled him over, and made him step outside the car, asking him if he had been drinking. When Frosdidius answered no, the cop pulled out the breathalyzer.

Unfortunately, Frosdidius blew a .064. The number was under the .08 limit for legal drinkers, but well above the .02 limit for minors.

“The cop immediately cuffed me and put me in his vehicle,” said Frosdidius. “My friend was breathalyzed as well and received an MIP (minor in possession) even though we had no alcohol at all in the car.”

The police then drove their young captive to a precinct to meet his dad.

“My dad came with me as they placed me in a cell, which was really surreal,” Frosdidius said. “I took a legit breathalyzer at the station, where I blew a .05.”

Frosdidius was released to go home.

“My mom was screaming at me because my brother had recently gotten into a bad car accident,” said Frosdidius. “My dad played the disappointed, quiet tone, which was almost worse. I punched a hole in my bedroom.”

His family wasn’t the only problem as legalities soon began to take their toll. After his license was suspended for 90 days, Frosdidius got a lawyer, aiming to reduce the infraction to a reckless driving charge.

“I started up the necessary community service hours, along with weekly drug/alcohol testing for a couple months, which sucked,” said Frosdidius. “At my court date I ended up getting charged with a negligent driving misdemeanor; luckily, my lawyer knew what he was doing, and apparently some breathalyzers in Washington State had been faulty around that time.”

Frosdidius got lucky in court, but that didn’t solve the problem. Even with the best lawyer, it’s nearly impossible to get off the hook for drunk driving. A DOL rule states that any alcohol related charge for a minor results in the issuing of a SR-22 form.

“Basically,” said Frosdidius. “I have to pay $2,000 to the government a year for three years in order to be issued legal insurance.”

Some people scoff at drunk driving horrors, claiming to be better at driving when drunk. Others veto this naïve idea.

“You might be more cautious,” said a critic to the theory, “but there is no way you’re better at driving when you’re drunk. Driving is all about reflexes and judgment, two areas directly affected by alcohol consumption.”

“So in the end,” said Frosdidius, “I can’t afford to drive and I blew all my work earnings and bank account money on a lawyer. Don’t drink and drive.”

*Name has been changed.

Attendance begins to dwindle as classes lose precious students to mock AP tests. Permission slip forms are shoved under hard working noses, begging for signatures. But what happens when something disrupts this yearly system? A few righteous teachers have put their feet down and said no to the mock.

Towards the end of April, the teachers were brought together in a critical meeting to discuss the details of the testing system.

“Tensions were running high in that meeting,” said AP U.S. History teacher Richard Truax. “Some teachers are flat out refusing to sign off on our students’ permission slips.”

AP teachers have adorned poker faces, remaining nonchalant in the face of their adversaries.

“If they won’t sign it, just write me a note on the line and turn it in anyway,” said an undaunted Truax. The mock APs are a valuable part of his class, and he has no wish for them to disappear.

“Some teachers don’t want to go through the hassle of signing forms,” said AP U.S. History teacher Wendy O’Sullivan. “Others refuse to support us taking kids out of their classes. Some teachers are just opposed to AP classes in first place. However, many of the teachers rallying against the mock are teachers who take their own students on much longer and more frequent field trips; the mock is only one day.”

Opinions among the students range far and wide. Those who need to practice coping with the stress of a realistic test find the mock system beneficial.

“Although mock APs are such a hassle, they really help,” said junior Lily Anderson. “Last year, I didn’t really get much practice taking AP tests before the actual one happened. Many people get flustered under stress; any authentic practice we can get directly benefits our testing skills.”

Other students disagree.

“Think about it,” said junior Silas Aumell. “The mock is really not going to help you with the actual AP in any way.”

However, there is a distinct possibility that personal issues come attached to this argument.

“I got a 5 on the AP Euro mock,” said Aumell, shaking his head. “I got a 3 on the AP. Mocks don’t mean anything.”

Let me lay a little groundwork for you here. Lafayette Ronald Hubbard pioneered this unusual religion in 1953, spurred from his earlier theories of “Dianetics,” an alternative form of psychotherapy. Dianetics centered on reincarnation and the soul.

Dianetics also used a new tool called the “electrometer,” an electronic device that is said to measure whether or not a person has been relieved of the bad spiritual feeling attached to his sins after confessing. The electrometer is produced by the Church of Scientology, can only be used by Scientologist professionals, and is criticized for its utter lack of scientific or medicinal backing.

After gaining support for his books, Hubbard took some time to himself, realized a whole bunch of things, and started a religion. Yes, a religion. Naming it Scientology, he gathered the supporters of Dianetics and started to develop.

I appreciate the aims of Olivia’s Scientologist friends, I really do. Freedom, finding yourself, equality; how could these goals sound bad? Hubbard’s ideas serve as inspirational motivation, but that is no ground for religion.

Contrary to their claims, Scientology isn’t all about enhancing the individual. In order to receive the spiritual rehabilitation of “auditing,” the focal point of the religion, a participator in the Church must pay a hefty donation.

Money is extracted from the followers in other ways as well. One of the main beliefs of Scientology is that human souls, or “thetans,” are reincarnations of extraterrestrials, or aliens. The details are held hostage by the head scientologists. Those in the religion who want to know the secrets must pay even more money, usually thousands of dollars. What a supportive little family.

Even as I type these words, a shiver goes up my spine, and I check the dark windows for faces. I take breaks in my work and find myself idly searching for “bodyguard” on Google. For I venture onto a notorious path — a path that many the unfortunate foot has trodden upon.

Although Scientology is a far-fetched idea, its creators have no patience for criticism. In 1971, Paulette Cooper wrote The Scandal of Scientology. That winter, the Church of Scientology sued her for $300,000. In February of the next year, the Church ordered Terry Milner, the Deputy Guardian for Intelligence United States, to “handle” Cooper properly. Milner then told his group to “attack” Cooper from all sides and initiate “wide-scale exposure” of her sex life.

Her phone number was scrawled across public walls, death threats were mailed to her house, and her neighbors were informed that she had a venereal disease. A woman then stole a stack of stationary from her house, disguised as a solicitor. The stationary made its way to the Church of Scientology in the form of two (faked) bomb threats. The Church brought the matter to court, and as Cooper’s fingerprints clearly stood out on the threats, she was put on trial. Luckily, they dropped the charges after discovering that the Church staged the threats.

The Church’s next official mission was to find a way to get Cooper into a mental institution or jail so she would stop “fighting back.” They jovially named this mission Operation Freakout.

The operation had three initial steps. First, a woman would call an Arab diplomat in New York, imitating Cooper. Next, a forged letter from Cooper would be sent to the Arab building. A Scientologist would then impersonate Cooper, and publicly threaten the President and Secretary of State, at which point the Church would report this threat to the FBI.

Thankfully, Operation Freakout was never put into effect, as the police discovered the Church stealing from government offices, and later found evidence of the entire Freakout plan.

I’m sure many Scientologists are kind, smart, and eye-catching (oh hey, Tom). As Olivia will tell you, many Churches of Scientology allow people to make their own decisions. Sure, there are nice people everywhere, but the operations aren’t the only things about this religion that freak me out.

Paying ridiculous amounts of money to learn secrets that aren’t even scientifically backed? Targeting and harassing those who dare to venture from the belief system? This is not a religion; this is a cult. Olivia: go ahead, become a Scientologist, but when you’re broke, defiled and wanted by the FBI, don’t come crying to me.

Note: This is merely an opinion, and does not reflect the views of its author.

Click here to read “A Day in the Life of a Scientologist”

The Ratings:
★ — Airplane Food
★★ — Extra Luggage
★★★ — First Class
★★★★ — Oh So Fly!

Shaving Pedestal
★★★
Instead of spending fruitless minutes attempting slippery acrobatics in the shower, install a small and delicate porcelain tablet on the side of your shower. Perfect for resting a foot upon while shaving, it can also be used to stretch stiff calf muscles. Tip: preorder the pedestal and get your very own footprint on the surface.

Pet Crate End Table
★★★★
When it comes time for dinner parties, stash your cat/guinea pig/ferret/child in a cozy wooden crate, conveniently disguised as a sophisticated table complete with a smooth walnut-colored varnish.

Motorized Snack Float
★★
Why expend precious energy and willpower climbing out of a warm pool to get food when your meal could bob its way right on over to you? I know, it sounds incredible—the geniuses behind SkyMall never fail to impress. Tip: Due to the high price of $49.99, this product would probably only be useful if you spend most of your time floating idly in sunny swimming pools.

“I Heart Baggage Handlers” Tags
★★
For only $10.95 per tag, let the baggage handlers know you care – and maybe score a phone number? The happiness of your vacation may depend on the safe arrival of your luggage, and barren suitcases are never recipes for success.

Original Garden Sculptures
★
Is your yard lacking a certain something? Do you ever long for the company of completely useless (and often terrifying) clutter? If so, SkyMall’s got your back. There are quite a few cement wonders to consider, my favorites being the Ten Commandments Tablet (adding holiness among the holly) and Basho the Sumo Wrestler, a whopping $95 (Basho makes up in quantity what he lacks in quality).

Solar Powered Mole Repeller
★★
From SkyMall magazine, I quote: “Simply place the waterproof, 13 1/2’’-long polymer tube into the mole mound, and they’ll be on their way—they just cannot tolerate that constant underground vibration!”

Color Changing Gazing Ball
★★★
Add a certain level of mystique to your garden by implanting a vibrant green cracked ball balancing precariously on an ancient pillar. The ambience will shift, and bodies will drift slowly towards each other. Tip: Bring your special someone to peer longingly into the orb; Color Changing Gazing Balls are credible aphrodisiacs.

Solar Powered Bible
★
Have an authentic religious experience as you listen to the melodious (and somewhat robotic) voice of God. This convenient little “book” fits right in the palm of your hand. What kind of religion isn’t worth $119.95?

Princess Collection
★
This item could more accurately be named “Princess Chair,” as it consists of a pink-bowed stool with a shiny magenta skirt. Yes, a skirt. You’d better hope it’s designer—this trendy piece of furniture is priced at $109.99.

Nutcracker Suite Porcelain Egg
★
To be honest, I don’t really understand what this is (let alone its appeal). It seems someone has crafted a detailed porcelain egg on a robust porcelain holder, and when opened, a shiny porcelain nutcracker belts out heart-wrenching march songs. Oh, the beauty.

Bubble Palms
★★
What could be better for the holidays than a seven-foot acrylic palm tree with bubbles floating up and down its bright aquamarine trunk? Instead of paying thousands jetting off to a Caribbean island, throw down $399.99 for this unique and authentic piece of scenery.

After a century or so, speech was introduced, and those without the ability to woo their partners with sweet talk or compliment their friends were left in the prehistoric dust. Writing came next, and then telephones. Every few decades, communication got a bit more difficult. The younguns of 2009 now rely on text messaging to maneuver the playing field.

Languages can be learned, along with penmanship, but phones are another story. Almost every household has a home phone. but what happens to those without cell phones? Can they survive in this new world? The answer, I’m afraid, is grim.

Take a look at my friend. For integrity’s sake, we’ll call her Child Without Cell Phone, or CWCP. CWCP had never owned a cell phone. Close friends braved the house line, making small talk with her parents before hearing her voice crackle through the receiver. Close friends were willing to endure this, but close friends weren’t enough. One day, voice wavering, she asked me a question.

“Why don’t I have any guy friends?” she inquired. After mulling this over for quite some time, I was stumped. She’s got beauty. She’s got brains. She’s funny, entertaining, and perfectly capable of having witty discussions with the opposite sex. After a few days, it finally hit me.

When a teenage boy decides to make friends with a girl, his tactics usually involve some sort of casual texting. I doubt many high school guys would call an unknown home phone to ask, “what’s up?” Too much effort, too showy, and altogether, too embarrassing.

“I was lagging behind in technology and I was lagging behind in my social life,” CWCP said. “If I only wanted to associate with girls, I would have enrolled at Holy Names or a similarly gender-segregated institution. Potential guy friends would never call me because they were either scared of my parents or scared that my lack of a cell phone meant that I was Amish —a myth that I’ll admit I perpetuated on occasion.”

This winter, CWCP lost the validity in her name. Her parents decided it was time for their daughter to brave the cell phone-handling world; one cold, December morning, I received a text. The text was funny. The text was original. Right away, things began to change.

A few boys noted the mystery in her smile and the intrigue in her voice. Slyly, they asked me for her number. Numerous rallies of texting ensued, as she used her quality charm to its full extent, roping in the men like none other.

Her life is now as straightforward as a caveman’s, and much more relaxing.

“I’m working on my thumb stamina and may soon be able to type four or five words without resting,” she said proudly. “I never thought I would reach this place in my life.”