Dear Miguel — I have a burning sensation “down there.” What should I do?

I’m not going to sugar coat this STD ice cream: you probably have an STD. You need not worry, however; according to the trusted and reputable site Wikipedia, you have a 60%-100% chance of successfully removing the warts or HPV infection that you have. Contact a doctor to see if a prescription is needed to lessen the burn.

Dear Miguel — Why do guys only like me for my body?

Look, it is proven that for a woman to have both a bangin’ body and a good personality is nearly impossible. That’s just life; I don’t make up the rules. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for you, you’re in the hot body but horrible character category. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, however. At least most men will have something to look at when they’re talking to a rock, and a very attractive rock at that.

Dear Miguel — I like this girl, but I’m really nervous when I’m around her. Help?

I would recommend that you initiate McKay Breuner’s own (Butt) Fast © plan, but I see that you need more help actually interacting with this girl. Depending on whether you are at a loss for words or your pants get a little wet when you’re around her, I suggest you either sac up and talk to her or else just like a lonely life and die.

Dear Miguel — Glenn Brooks said “Hi” to me today. Am I a part of Street Fam now?

Don’t get your hopes up, kid. Even a man with as high a social status as me can’t get it. I figure you have as good a chance at getting into the Fam as the New Jersey Nets have at winning the NBA Finals this year. You’re just going to have to do what the rest of us do: admire from the outside.

Dear Miguel — I’ve been invited to a Valentine’s Day party by my crush, but I feel a little heavy. Have any tips for looking slimmer?

A common misconception women believe is that loose fitting clothes will make them look thinner, but that just isn’t true. While wearing clothes that are too tight should also be avoided, you should instead just wear clothes that fit you. Others will not find the ripples or chunks of you fat, created by wearing tight clothes, sticking out very attractive but you don’t want to make it obvious that you’re trying to cover up by wearing loose clothes, which will created unwanted curves. Try to stick to a single color scheme when dressing so that you crush’s eyes don’t single out any part of your body. Also try to find tops that end either above or below your widest part to keep  unwanted stares away from that area.

Dear Miguel — Boxers or briefs?

For you or me? If I had to chose one, it would probably be boxers. Although I like the support that tighty-whities offer for my person region, I find them a little creepy overall. It’s easier to switch into shorts from pants in a public area when you have boxers on. Also, most of them have a small opening in the front, so you don’t even have to pull them all the way down when you use the bathroom. They’re the clear winner.

Dear Miguel — Why can’t I stop crying? You. my friend, have feelings, and that’s very unlucky because, as we all know, chicks only dig guys who care about themselves and stare majestically at sunsets. Now to answer your question, it seems that you have either one out of two things: you are either depressed or you are pregnant. Your hormones might also be unbalanced, so you could be feeling a bit oversensitive. The only real way to conquer this problem is to face it straight on. Find yourself an adorable kitten and choke it to death while holding back the tears. If you don’t cry, congratulations, you’ve just healed yourself. If you did cry, congratulations, you just choked a poor, innocent kitten to death.

Dear Miguel — I’ve heard rumors that I’m a bad dancer. How can I fix this?

Well if you’re a guy, just stand still and you’re basically dancing. It’s a little harder for girls however. Ideally a girl should dance to the rhythm, shaking their junk to complement the mood of the song in a good way. You’re not bad, you’re probably just really awkward. Realistically, though, as long as both guy and gal are standing next to one another, then you’re dancing.