Never at any point during Jennifer’s Body did I think that I was going to get my money’s worth of great cinema. Worse, never at any point in the movie is Megan Fox naked. So for 102 minutes I sat in my seat, hoping that maybe I would be able to give the film four stars, but no; my hopes were soon crushed as the credits rolled to end of what was seemingly the most run-of-the-mill horror thriller I have ever seen.

This movie in theory has all the ingredients to make an awesome horror film. It has a smokin’ hot lead in Megan Fox, a bloody and horrible script filled with satanic references and unrealistic comedic dialogue (written by “the creators of Juno,” no less), and a high school dance scene. Yet what keeps it from cult classic status is the poor execution of any memorable cinematography and an uninteresting story.

The story involves two BFF’s: Needy Lesnicky, the dorky, could-be-really-hot-if-she-tried but reliable friend, played by Mean Girls’ Amanda Seyfried, and of course Jennifer Check, the bomb, I-bet-she-really-likes-Cuban-boys cheerleader, played by Ms. Fox herself.

One night they both go to a concert for a band called Low Shoulder. After the show, Jennifer flirts with the band members and ends up leaving with them where one thing lead to another and they wind up in the woods where we find out that the band has a man crush on Satan and is planning to sacrifice the “virgin” Jennifer in some kind of ritual. Okay, I could believe this. Then we find out that Jennifer is actually lying about being a virgin and because of this an evil spirit takes over her body, ipso facto, she needs to eat boys to stay alive.

Up until this point, I was okay with the film. It’s not every day that you find demon souls in your best friend, but things happen. The one aspect of the film that just killed it for me was the total lack of personality. Not only are the characters themselves one-sided, but because of the uninspired writing, they are forced to repeat monotonous lines that, like in Juno, don’t sound human at all.

The film also seems to fall in the classic horror movie trap, which I, ironically, found quite pleasing. The character of Needy we know right from the start is just an “average girl” due to her glasses, pulled back hair, and plain clothing. When she finds out about Jennifer’s man-eating behavior, she seems pretty reluctant to save her best friend and instead opts to just kill her straight up. Quite astonishing, considering the fact that they have been best friends for years. There are a few cheap laughs to be had in this awkward, hour long cat-fight. The real laughs, however, were in the movie theater. The audience was not at all shy about shouting comments both hilarious and angry.

For a film made in 2009, the special effects in Jennifer’s Body are reminiscent of something seen in a Nick Thompson production. This is a sixth-grade effort disguised as a Hollywood blockbuster. Let me clarify, however, that no amount of makeup or blood can make Megan Fox look ugly. But the true dagger in the heart is the fact that the movie isn’t even remotely scary. There is no tension or suspense to speak of, and the movie is as predictable as a broken traffic light. It tries too hard to be funny in some places and too little to be scary in others, and it ends up coming off as neither. You’re left with super hot Megan Fox, dead end special effects, and zany-yet-unfunny one liners.

If Jennifer’s Body had been scarier or more stupidly hilarious, then maybe the film could have warranted its ticket price as an amusingly bad film, but instead it can’t. It doesn’t have anything in particular that makes it truly bad, but it doesn’t have anything that makes it decent either. I suggest this movie to everyone, because honestly I don’t think it’s fair that I had to see it and you didn’t.