Life at sea can get pretty dull. One can’t fill the time with normal activities available on land. Unless you make friends with passengers on the occasional passing ship and journey together, all you have is yourself and the other inhabitants of your boat. But, the open freedom of international waters is also an endless playground full of opportunity, with none of the physical or legal constraints of traveling on land under the authority of a nation.

The Ratings:
★ — Shark Bait
★★ — Bottom Feeder
★★★ — Great White
★★★★ — Titanic

Summon the Kraken
★★★
This is something you can do nowhere else. The Kraken is a giant sea monster. If you had the opportunity, how could you not summon it? You might need Davey Jones to do it for you, or a copy of Pirates of the Caribbean to find out how this works. If you were planning on engaging in multiple activities while out at sea, it’s best to try this one last, as it may be the last thing you do — ever. If you survive, make sure to take a video and put it on YouTube, titled something like “OMMMMFGG I SUMMOND THE CRACKIN!!”

Piracy
★★★
No, I’m not referring to crossing sabers with scallywags. Instead, I’m speaking of a much more common and practical activity: downloading illegal material from the Internet. Obviously, no one does this at home already, so as long as you can find service out there, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Record companies wouldn’t prosecute you. Prosecuting a citizenship-less person would be like prosecuting no one, and that’s just silly. Imagine how nice and peaceful it would be watching those crappy quality movies that turn out to be pornos and listening to all your underground mix tapes while gazing out at the endless, beautiful sea.

Start A War
★★
One may scoff at this, claiming that a war is never a good idea, but starting your own war in international waters carries none of the problems that have been plaguing good old playful, free-range combat for millennia. There aren’t any countries involved and no one can get bogged down in blame or silly peace treaties. Just insult the captain of a passing boat to begin a conflict. No one can call for supports out at sea, so the teams are even, and everybody is equipped with the same weapons — probably not much more than old fish bones and a few battered wooden spoons.

Whaling
★★
Inspired by Gregory Peck’s intimidating portrayal of Ahab in the movie version of Moby Dick I watched in Ms. Taylor’s class, I would love to grow a strange beard, lose a couple limbs, and yell ravenously at a huge white whale that I’m trying to annihilate. Unlike my unsuccessful trout fishing adventure at Seward Park, whaling would be a much more satisfying and unique opportunity, as they are a type of fish you can only hunt out in the deep, open sea. This may require long harpoons, a mild amount of insanity, and neglect of shampoo and napkins for you to be successful, but it’s worth the risk.

Bury Treasure
★★★★
Of all the pirate activities you could imitate while out on the ocean, this is undoubtedly the most satisfying. It’s particularly more positive and less permanent than giving yourself a peg leg or replacing your teeth with chunks of battered gold. It’s much harder to dig up treasure from the deep blue sea than to find the pet worm you buried on the playground in fourth grade to save it from the bully trying to smush it (or maybe that was just me). To leave your very own artifact at the bottom of the sea is a rare opportunity. Put something really interesting in the box that will mark it distinctly as yours, such as a paper-mâché figurine of yourself or twelve multicolored socks.

Monkey Knife Fights
★★★★
Sports writer Simon Fox thought this was a good idea, but after attempting and failing to justify it as a legitimate sport, he let me take it instead. When you’re out on the open water, as far from civilization as can be, it’s a perfect time for inhumane and immature activities. A ratty fishing boat poopdeck is the perfect arena for monkeys to ruthlessly battle with knives, accompanied by loud jeering and betting by unshaven sailors. It’s just so devilishly entertaining, and it’s really not that different from froshing, except for the fact that it won’t get you suspended. And it’s with monkeys. Who have knives.

Commit Adultery
★
If this offends you, leave now. Unfortunately, though, this is a newspaper, not a room, so you can’t leave. Face the facts: You’re a captain out at sea, you’re getting pretty lonesome, and all you can think about are the seamen on your poopdeck. And the crewmembers on the exterior level of your ship. You want to put your hands on the mast and see if you can go all the way to the top of the crow’s nest. But enough with the nautical terms, back to adultery. There are no rules against it out at sea, and we all know that on a lonely, isolated fishing ship, anything goes.

Jaywalk
★★
It’s the simple, victimless crime that we all want to get away with. And, one may say, many of us do. But there are still others who always wait for the light to change even with absolutely no cars around. And there are those few unfortunate ones who get caught. My mom got cited for jaywalking in 1974 when she was rushing across the street to a TV to see Nixon resign. In international waters, there’s legally no such thing as jaywalking, as there is no right of way. There are also no roads. You may need to build a road to pull this one off. Then just saunter across it without a walk light and chuckle to yourself at your clever act of mischief.