Standing in Barnes and Noble at the psychology section, it comes to my attention that I harbor a “holier than thou” stigma when it comes to self-help books. As a relatively avid “chick-lit” (mother’s term) reader, I’ve met dozens of protagonists who swear by them; these same protagonists, however, are often dysfunctional and insane.

Seeing as I’m in the psychology section, it seems fitting to dish myself out some self-prescribed psychology. Who am I to dismiss self-help books as solely for the psycho? Bridget Jones is funny and (at least in the movie) quite hot — and she likes them! Who’s to say that a little Dr. Phil therapy couldn’t completely alter my entire state of mind?!

I’ve got thirteen bucks to spare, and Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus has a sorta funny title. Among books called Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem and The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, it strikes me as the perfect buy. And thanks to that shiny new twenty I made babysitting, it’s mine!

I creep into Starbucks, order naught but a water, and read my book start to finish. Let me clarify that I didn’t intend for this to happen. My aim was to skim approximately a chapter, self-importantly declare myself above the phenomenon, and return home. Later, I planned to share a somewhat romantic dinner with a boy. Unfortunately, now I was too preoccupied with the notion that I give him too much advice and “speak a different language” than him.

Don’t read a self-help book unless you need to. Don’t copy my “Why not?” thinking — life will seem overly complicated and you’ll analyze every little gesture.

See, before Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus I was a carefree lass, content to interact with boys in whatever way I judged appropriate given the situation. Now John Gray, the book’s author, tells me that I probably talk too much, offer my opinion too often, and altogether don’t understand the male race.

The book arches around the idea that women and men are an entirely different species. They met in space, interacted in harmony for a good while, and eventually flew to Earth. Upon reaching Earth, they forgot their differences and unrealistically expected one another to have the same needs as themselves. You’re probably asking yourself: wacky sci-fi or a keen metaphor? Remember the genre in question and problem solved.

Among John Gray’s observations/advice: men take advice as a challenge to their competency, women seek their men to listen rather than give advice, men go into caves to hide from their problems, and men want to feel needed whereas women want to feel cherished.

It’s relatively intuitive stuff, but Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus spells it all out for you. All of it. In a way that dictates readers to follow its advice word for word. Someone more well-versed in love and life than me might solicit this advice, but as of now I just know things I wish I didn’t. All told, I crave the carefree lass I was of yesteryear.